Contact! What's normal?

[Henrythehoover]

I split with my ex about two months ago and wanted to know what's normal for Contact? I don't want to sound like I don't want my children but he's currently using it as a way of control by doing things like only having one of the three and getting me to do all the running around. The one night I've had off over that time was because family members had them and had arranged a night out for me.

He's having them all for the first time tonight but keeps trying to change it. He seems to think that if I'm kid free for an evening I will suddenly move someone else in. (When in reality I'm going for dinner with my elderly grandmother).

Like I said it's not about me wanting to get rid of the children as I miss them like he'll when I don't have them i just want to sort something that he can't keep messing around. I'm sick of him trying to control me even now we aren't together but I want him to either actually want to see them or not bother. Urgh I'm not sure I'm explaining myself right.

Anyway what is the normal arrangement?

Technically it's every other weekend and a weekday night, but of course it's different for everyone.

My ex is the same though. He will not let me have a break!

He's a game player and probably always will be. Sadly you can't control that. But he is not and never will be in control of you. You are in control of yourself and how you deal with this situation.

Does he text you a lot? Start to limit communication via text. It's very tying because the person who is texting expects a quick response. Can you avoid and ignore non essential communication with him? That will help you get some control back.

Tell him that once plans have been agreed they need to stay the same as the kids need to know where they will be, and for how long. Occasionally you may be able to be flexible depending on the circumstances but in general from now on you will not be changing it.

Then when he texts about changing plans you can legitimately ignore it because you have told him this is what you will do.

Having kids with him doesn't give him the right to continually contact you when there is no legitimate reason to do so.

If he persists with being flaky then you may need to go through a mediation service and/or court to get a contact order which states the contact times.

The main thing is to keep any communication dispassionate and purely business in tone. Ask yourself 2 things: 1) is this communication absolutely necessary? and 2) is this purely about the kids and not us?

Never enter into discussions or arguments about your past relationship, or play the blame game when it comes to how the kids are coping. Ignore those types of messages because they are another way of control through manipulation. Ignore, rise above, be businesslike, gain control over things you can control.

Thanks for the advice. He does text alot or call to speak to the children then ask them to put him onto me. I try to say I'm busy most of the time.

I honestly think this would be easier if he was blaming me for stuff I ended it but he always says he can't believe he lost the best thing to ever happen to him etc. Not that he would try and change anything that caused it. He also blames his mh alot.

He's always used the children against me like when I was trying to end it he would gather them together and tell them I was making him go. He also was very jealous of me spending any time with them as he is scarily fixated on me even now I am the only thing that makes him happy, he just needs to hear my voice etc. It's scary as he doesn't actually like me I don't think just what he thinks I am. He also sends alot of scary stalker like texts. He used to pressure me every night into sex as it meant I loved him (I bloody dispised him and myself for giving in). Would do stuff to upset me and then turn it round so I felt bad.

Sorry I'm going off topic there. But what I'm trying to get at is everything he does is to stop me from moving on. He is scary when I see him as he goes into control overdrive so now I just sit in the car when the kids run in. He just knows how to get in my head and it's so hard to deal with.

It sounds like you are dealing with it really well - saying you are busy so you don't have to speak to him, staying in the car etc. Ignore his texts about your relationship - it doesn't help anone. You can be a completely closed book. I am sure from what you have said that he will keep trying to guilt trip you but if you don't let him draw you into conversations there is nothing he can do. It sounds like you know exactly what he's doing so he has not brainwashed or managed to manipulate you so that's good. Keep doing what you're doing and don't give him an inch or he'll take a mile.

Also if he sends any abusive or threatenig messages you or harasses you in any way please tell the police.

You haven't been split up for very long. Do you think he's trying to test the waters for getting back together with all this contact. That's what I'd suspect. Sorry if I'm completely wrong. I agree if things aren't working get the contact on a more formal basis and don't be messed about.

He wants to get together he won't believe it's over and says once he's better I will see the real him and fall in love again. No matter what I have said he won't believe it.

Why not just tell him that if he wants to see them he has to cone pick all of them up at once and to drop them after because it's too much trouble otherwise and you don't have the time for it?

Potato Salad has it spot on. You need to go "grey rock". It's hard at first and goes against most people's nature, but it's often the only way to deal with the situation, especially at first.

He can't accept the split, but that's not your problem. However he's making it your problem by the way he's behaving towards you. Remember, all you have to do is make the dc available to see him. You don't have to see him, or talk to him, or endlessly change your plans to suit him.

Every situation is different, but shared or alternate weekends, and at least one or two nights per week is, in my opinion, fair all round. Clearly this is affected by how far away he now lives, working patterns etc.

You need to agree with him what the set up will be. Obviously there will be times when you both need to be flexible, but these should be the exception, not the rule. If he tries to mess you around just don't engage with it. It's very hard, but once he sees he's not getting the reaction he wants, he may hopefully be able to put the dc, and not himself, first.