Changing surname

[Gingerbreadman1]

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to get some opinions from anyone else who has been through this.

So I moved about three hours from home to be with my ex partner, and the plan was we'd start a family and that's that.

Well we started a family, and my son has his dad's surname - because at that point the plan was that we'd be getting married. We got engaged a few months after he was born.

For basically all of his life, I have been the main care giver. I organised everything, was in charge of making sure we had milk / nappies etc, and was basically a live in babysitter for my partner who spent a lot of nights at the pub and most weekends hungover.

Just after my son was one, we broke up and called off the wedding. I later found out my ex had been having an affair, and had essentially pushed me into calling everything off.

After some difficult decision making, I decided to stay where I am - so three hours from my family. The only person I really have here is my son, but I didn't like the idea of taking him so far from his dad so decided to stay put.

He pays no maintenance or anything, but has him three days a week (two of those days are the days my son is at nursery, at his dad's insistence of having those days!) We both pay half for nursery, even though it's only on his days.

I am still the main care giver and spend much more time with him.

My question is, I want to change his surname to my name. As far as I am concerned, I am enabling his dad to still play a large role in his life and he really has it exactly how he wants now - all weekend nights off and a part time dad without anyone asking why he's out so much!

As the main care giver, I want him to have my surname. I am his mother and shouldn't have to be proving who I am and that I'm allowed to travel with him if I want to go on holiday!

I don't for a second think my ex will agree to this, even to double barreling which I would accept but I'm really not keen on because I don't like the sound of the name.

Has anyone had a similar situation where the other parent hasn't granted permission? What are the chances of me being able to change it without permission?

I would always want my sons dad to be a part of his life, even though we don't get on. As far as I can see, my decision to stay here shows my commitment to that. It would make my life so much easier in terms of organising stuff for my son, and also feel much more secure, if he had my surname.

Thanks!

Without permission - not a chance. Sorry. Unless he's not on the birth certificate?

I think if it was something you really wanted and he didn't you would have to go to court which would be costly. If it's for holidays and such just take his birth certificate which would name you as the mother so you shouldn't have any problem.

My sister did this with her ex and he signed the forms ( he is also a dick) so it's worth a try.

If he's on the birth certificate, he needs to sign the forms. If you took it to court, because they'd likely deem him to be an active part of your sons life and your son is old enough to be aware of his own name, I suspect they'd be unlikely to grant an order for it. It's generally if the father has been entirely absent for a long period and or is uncontactable that the courts will step in.
My child legally has two surnames, they're not double barrelled, By deed poll, i added my surname after the ex's. So on a form that asks for first and last name, my DC writes only my name, has my name on passport etc. It was changed when DC was 4 months old with the fathers agreement. My child has made the choice not to use the first surname at all, though knows there are forms that need it including.

Hi. I feel your pain, I also really value having the same name as my DS. Different for me as we were married and I took my husbands name. Its been 3 years divorced and ive kept my married name just for this reason. I detest my ex he's an abusive man and very unreliable parent...but me and my son have the same name. We have redefined what the name means. Now it's our name. Mine and DS. Its our family.

At the end of the day it's just a word. Lots of pepole share names who arnt related. Could you change your name to your child's if ex won't sign forms? Radical idea and probably make you cringe! but if it's that important to you, and you can make it work it could be worth thinking about ??