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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Mediation Today

43 replies

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 08:30

I have been awake since three this morning because i have to go to mediation this afternoon. I hate it. Last time x brought a list of my faults which included that on one of his visits into my house my laundry basket was full. All in the company of two women smiling inanely asking how i feel inside and would we both like to wipe our emotional slates clean. No i would like to wipe the smile off his face actually, and no i don't want to list his positives. Oh ok then heres a few, he is a constant amusement to my friends and family and has brought many an hour of laughter, he makes me feel extremely intellegent in comparison, he thinks i am Sylvia Plath, which makes his disillusional which is obviously why he left me in the first place.
Half past five in the morning and i am deep breathing, the joys of separation is there no end.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 17/07/2004 22:00

Hi FF. Sorry you are finding mediation so unhelpful. Given that you are finding it so unhelpful, do you have to participate in it, or would it look bad to a family court judge if you didn't want to participate and your dh did? Do you think your H is happy with the approach to mediation - could you get him to agree a less airy fairy approach and more of a nuts and bolts approach?

Original poster

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 22:00

Well i just hate it because he never visits or phones and then tells them he does and i look insane. If he is in a bad mood remember he is not allowed to raise his voice, speak over you, be abusive etc. also he has to listen when you speak.

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Original poster

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 22:04

Thanks Mummytost. no he hates it also. But he just wants to visit when he feels like it and i have to make him see that it is unreasonable, all i want is a structure. I can't change his personality though, its very frustrating.

OP posts:

essbee · 17/07/2004 22:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 22:11

and then what go through a court case, i already have one going on,i will crack up with two. i just have to learn to not rely on him and let it all go over my head

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nutcracker · 17/07/2004 22:17

So they haven't changed then. We all had to go to family mediation when my parents divorced as they both wanted custody.

It was a bloke and a woman and they were both hopeless and bloody ignorant.
They already knew what they thought was right before anyone opened their mouths.
They had me in tears on several occasions because they used to completly ignore me when i mentioned living with my dad.

I'd hoped they would have been improved on since then. Sorry thats not the case FF.

Original poster

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 22:32

Sorry you went through that Nut, it must have been dreadful as a child. It was all to obvious and text book to me, they spent ten minutes explaining why i shouldn't ever bring my children with me to mediation. I don't need to know that. Even when you explain that you are aware of these things they still go on and on and on, it was like parenting school, but that is not why i am there. I realise i am probably a very annoying client i just hate being told what my children need.

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mummytosteven · 17/07/2004 22:39

Hi FF. When will your other court case be over? Just that I think you are more likely to get the result you want (formalised contact arrangements) by "going legal" rather than by mediation, as it sounds like he is manipulating the mediators. Is there anyway you could agree a list of issues with your H for discussion at mediation meetings and try to get the mediators to stick to that?

Original poster

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 23:00

Thanks MumSte, i will go next time with a list and ask my x to do the same. i have no idea when the other court problem will be over, it depends on how his plea goes at the begining of August. part of me wishes it was fixed access and then i could prove he is unreliable but it is just so extreme. This isn't working though so you proabably have the best idea

OP posts:

beetroot · 17/07/2004 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wobblyknicks · 17/07/2004 23:28

FF - sounds like it was s**t but sounds like you acted very well in it all - good on you!! Did any of them turn into taters or start wearing red knicks while you were there???

essbee - poor you, will be thinking of you tomorrow, hope it goes well. I'll probably be off all day tomorrow but if you need to chat, ring me or text me anytime xx

Original poster

fairyfly · 17/07/2004 23:45

Hi Beetroot, thanks wk, but i was a bad tempered git.

OP posts:

wobblyknicks · 17/07/2004 23:48

I'm SURE you came across as a sorted, calm, perfect woman ff.

sykes · 18/07/2004 01:36

FF, only just got in and can't phone as the phone is down - I'll call you tomorrow. Lots of love.

wobblyknicks · 18/07/2004 22:29

Essbee - how did your mediation sesh go?

gettingthere · 18/07/2004 23:21

I can't stand mediation either and have refused to go anymore! However, i did make it clear to the mediator at the beginning (he's actually OK) that there needed to be ground rules or i would not continue, and he did do that. i.e. listening, being honest, not shouting. I did always say that i would stop the discussion if these things happened and he made sure they didn't. Just a thought which might help - but i agree with you all - I'm sick of the 'how do you feel about that?' mentality. How do they think i b*** feel? and what's more i have to find someone to look after the children and then pay for the session so its a real joy and a half! sorry to sound off. another thought - can you change mediators to someone who's actually on this planet and realises that the past influences the future?? Big hugs xx

MeanBean · 19/07/2004 00:32

Sorry to harp on about it, but I'm gobsmacked by the not discussing the past thing. I understand that it's because they don't want to go over old ground over and over again like a broken record, but on the other hand, you can't be like PolPot and pretend it's Year Zero today and every day, and nothing that has ever happened has ever had any influence on the family. Frankly, it's mad. Glad I didn't have to go through it. Hope those of you who do can do it without going bonkers.

Original poster

fairyfly · 19/07/2004 00:39

Thanks Meanbean for thinking it is ludicrous too. Getting there, i think i will stop aswell.
I really have been thinking about it and all the entire process does is knock me back for a couple of days. I have to not trust this man to protect my children and i. I have put up with far too much in the past (even that apparently no longer exists) and
will not sit there and take this crap anymore when i am holding everything together. He puts me down accuses me of all sorts, it is not an environment i need to be in at the moment. I could go ballistic, throw the furniture, tell everyone to f~~~k themselves, calmly sit down and explain that my behaviour is in the past now and could we all move on.

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