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DS wants "a proper daddy"

3 replies

Squeaky3590 · 17/08/2017 23:23

My ds is 7 nearly 8. We left when he was 2. He saw his dad every week with overnight contact for the first 3 months. Overnight was stopped due to welfare concerns with advice from solicitor and social services. He then had unsupervised contact alternate Saturdays / Sundays ( I work full time and ds was in nursery full time). This was stopped as again there were welfare concerns over where he was taking ds and also ds was not being fed lunch (packed lunch provided every week) and was coming home with bad nappy rash. So after 3rd birthday was on supervised contact via child centre. Again this was stopped as ex only turned up 6 times in 10 months. No contact except christmas / birthday presents once a year (birthday is around christmas) for 3 years then ex requested mediation. Mediation failed as he would not stick to agreements over 6 month period and since then there has been nothing... no christmas or birthday or any contact. He has got married and has other kids now. Ds now keeps telling me he wants "a proper dad". I tell him his dad still loves him in his own way but he has it in his mind now that mummy needs to find a boyfriend and get married so he can have a proper dad. I have never bad mouthed his dad or anything so just wondering if anyone else has had the same or can advise??

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DangerMouse17 · 17/08/2017 23:30

No advice but my 5yr old ds does the same...even to the point of suggesting suitable candidates that pass us in the street and helpfully advising me to out some lippy on. It's cute in a way but also makes me sad as I can't suddenly give him this amazing dad he craves. I've not had a single date or boyfriend for the entire time....life is too busy! I like the idea of someone else for ds' sake more than anything, but it's all such hassle. Confused

Starlight2345 · 18/08/2017 10:18

My DS hasn't seen his dad since he was 3..

We have had various stages...

However a couple of things. I never do the your dad loves you in his own way...My reason been IMO this is not love..So at 8 I would be saying that seeing your dad had to be the best for you and your dad wasn't able to give you the care you needed. I do not want my DS to worship someone to be honest I do not want him spending his life waiting on someone who will not be in life or would be damaging if he is.

I also think they think they miss out on something..I have told my DS there are lots he is not aware of..His friends say Dad took me fishing, what they don't say is dad sat on the sofa all day watching football, Dad went out cycling with his mates all day.. They don't have a realistic idea.. The get a boyfriend..I either reply..When do I get time or I am fine as I am thank you.

Squeaky3590 · 18/08/2017 10:51

Dangermouse my son does the same! And I feel exactly the same. I wish I could give him the dad he desperately wants but I'm not going to rush into something new just to give him that. I dated someone last year for 6 months but it ended catastrophically.

Starlight I thought the same but didnt want it to be seen as bad mouthing him. To be honest though my son has started to realise the truth. As he gets older he asks a lot more and I have tried to tell him as much of the truth as is appropriate. He has stopped asking to see his dad or asking any questions about him. Just focusing on playing matchmaker. But I like your replies and will probably pinch them. I am not interested in a new relationship at the moment so just surround him with male family members and friends who can be good role models.

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