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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How do women do this?

22 replies

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 15:26

NC'd for this as I'm a long term poster (circa 10 years) and don't want to be identified IRL. So here it is; I can't cope with life anymore. Sounds dramatic right but I absolutely mean it. Divorced just under a year ago, usual story; husband left me for his secretary and has never looked back. I've got my own career but I earn a fraction of what my ex husband makes and I got shafted during the divorce settlement as my lawyer was quite crap. I'm saddled with a humungous mortgage and 4 children that suck me dry both financially and emotionally. Ex sees the kids once a week on a Saturday 9-5 so that means I don't have a single night off. Children are 3, 7, 14 and 17 and need lots of attention. I had to drop my hours in work because I frankly couldn't cope working my 60+ hours a week role and now work 3.5 days a week. I have taken a significant cut in pay but had no choice whatsoever as I was so on the edge.

I met a chap on OLD whom I have really hit it off with him but struggle to see him as childcare is an issue for me and I can't afford formal care. He's invited me on a break away as I desperately need some rest and recovery but when I spoke to friends and family about this they were outraged that I was even considering going away without my kids.
I should say that whilst I am completely into my guy he has not been an angel (been together 6 months) and my friends won't give him the time of day which just adds to my stress and anxiety.

I don't know where to turn or what to do. It's got so bad I wish my kids would go and live with their father full time - they are such hard work at the moment and won't listen to me. Just needed a vent, not sure there's too much I can do to get myself out of this predicament but it helps to share

OP posts:

Original poster

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 17:40

Anyone?

OP posts:

Mrscropley · 17/08/2017 17:44

Why can't your eldest babysit while you enjoy spending time away from home? Maybe a night?
At 17 my dd had younger siblings overnight happily. .

Original poster

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 17:48

My eldest is exceptionally lazy and has refused to babysit point blank. My guy has met my kids but he's pissed about so much I don't yet feel comfortable inviting him back into our lives which means stolen moments of contact often during my lunch hour and Saturday's when the kids are with my exh. Exh loathe to have the children more but I need a break even if it were two days a week.

OP posts:

dowhatyouwish · 17/08/2017 17:48

To ease the stress can you ask you ex to take the children more often?

I think it's worth sorting your home life out and getting in to somewhat of a routine where you have some time to yourself before you plan any time away with your new fella.

Valderal · 17/08/2017 17:49

yy to 17yr old babysitting?

Can't you ask dad to have them all for weekend, or doesn't he want more access?

Original poster

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 17:50

dowhatyouwish - I wouldn't disagree with you there but my exh is selfish personified so much so I think he enjoys to see me struggle. The kids end up suffering in the end though because all they are left with is a knackered mom.

OP posts:

Valderal · 17/08/2017 17:50

Ah x post.

Mrscropley · 17/08/2017 17:50

Your eldest needs a lesson on growing up then.

No more laundry /ironing /lifts /extras that make their life easier.

Original poster

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 17:51

Valderal - exh quite happy just seeing them 8 hours per week and has refused point blank to an overnighter. Looking into an au pair but not sure I can stretch to cover the expense

OP posts:

Original poster

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 17:52

MrsCropley - privileges for both my teens have been revoked they are currently grounded for a week (no game consoles, sweets, tv etc). They don't seem a bit bothered which adds to my frustration. I sometimes wonder if they play up on purpose.

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Valderal · 17/08/2017 17:56

Are you being pressured by new fella? As in do you feel you will lose him if you can't find more time?

I think you need to break down all these aspects, separate them and deal accordingly.

New fella will just have to wait
17 year old can sort them self out. Don't be responsible for a lazy bugger!
Ask dad if he would have them for weekend - suggest one weekend a month? If he says no, then don't react. Don't let him see that he has irked you...seeing his kids is for his benefit. Not yours

BeautifulLiar · 17/08/2017 17:58

Hi Need. My children are younger than yours (8, 6, 4 and 1) but I do understand how you must feel. My exH fucked off just after the fourth baby was born, and although I'm almost certain there was no OW, his mistress is alcohol, and he still puts drink first. This means that he has seen the children twice in five months (and never overnight) and subsequently I don't have much free time at all! I also have a boyfriend (of 9 months) and we spend all our time with the kids.

You're not alone. Sertraline is my friend xx

Valderal · 17/08/2017 17:58

Again. X post. I'm sorry

You say you have no additional help.

Your 17 yr and 14 yr. Do they have friends? Don't out know the parents? Could you organise them to sleep out?

Younger two go to bed and invite fella round.

I know this isn't a long term solution. I'm just trying to figure out ways to get you some adult time x

NerdyBird · 17/08/2017 18:06

Why are you so anxious to pursue a relationship with a man who has been no angel, pissed you about and who your friends aren't keen on?

cheminotte · 17/08/2017 18:08

Would your ex consider having just 2 out of 4?

Valderal · 17/08/2017 18:08

Nerdy that's why I wonder3d whether new fella was pressuring for time?

Nancy91 · 17/08/2017 18:10

I don't think your 17 year old should be expected babysit just because she was born first! They are your children, not hers. Is there really nobody you could talk to in your family and explain that you really need a break?

Original poster

Needanewlife · 17/08/2017 19:23

My guy isn't pressurising me but I don't blame him for wanting to see me, surely this is a good sign? Sometimes the teens will stay out but more often than not on different nights. When I say he's no angel I mean he's been a bit of a commitment phobe and has backed off a few times because he didn't know if he could deal with being a step-dad. He was actually fantastic with the kids I was maybe premature in insisting he not come to the house anymore.

Just got off the phone to exh where I basically pleaded for him to have some of the kids this weekend and he told me he had plans and that his house is not built for kids (more like his gf doesn't want them there).

Family live in the North so not around me very often but my lovely parents have offered to take the kids for a week next week which will be bliss. I can clean the house from top to bottom and lounge around for a change.

Feeling more positive; thanks gang

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Valderal · 17/08/2017 19:34

Oh shite. Well your ex is a prize twat isn't he?
Cross him off the list, he is obviously useless and you my dear are well rid. But you know this.

How awesome for your parents to take the kids to give you a bit of space. Relish the time, refresh and recharge.

I think it's only natural you have days like these when you feel like just telling everyone to fuck off, even the kids.

If I can offer any advice I'd just say, stick to your guns, to your routine and let the kids follow your lead.

Good Luck and enjoy next week

Mrscropley · 17/08/2017 20:00

Nancy it's not about being expected to babysit your siblings but my eldest dc appreciate all I do to make their lives easier /nicer /etc and are happy to invest some time to me in return. . Its how our family world turns. Surely the older ones should begrudge their dm a life too?
I hope all goes well op.

NerdyBird · 17/08/2017 20:55

If he's reluctant to commit then I would be wary. Don't commit to someone who can't or won't do the same for you. I would keep things casual for now. It doesn't seem like your divorce was that long ago so it's a lot for you all to deal with.
Your ex sounds pretty rubbish although I'm not sure how you could change that. My DH's ex sticks pretty rigidly to EOW so we always have to organise around that and it is a bit frustrating. They live with us and we have a toddler so childfree time is rare!

Get your boyfriend to come over for a night or two when your children are with your parents, but keep time and space for yourself.

Starlight2345 · 18/08/2017 10:36

I don't think from your post B/f should be the priority.

Your 17 and 14 year old need to seriously pull their weight in this house. The 7 year old can do there bit..The 3 year old probably enjoys "helping".. If he is lazy then raise your expectaions from him..My 10 year old has jobs he is expected to do in the house daily, Take rubbish and recycling out, feed pet, Tidy his own room. He is also expected to do other bits and pieces when needed. Get the 17 year old and 14 year old to cook a meal once a week.

I assume you are getting Maintenance from Ex.

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