At a loss and missing my children...

[onceuponawhim]

Hi, I'm a first time poster, go easy on me :)

My ex left the family home in Feb and since then I've been struggling to come to terms with my 'new life' without him with us. I have a son, 6 and a daughter, 3.

At first his contact with the children was erratic and he didn't have them overnight. Mainly saw them here and then went home or took them out for a few hours and brought them back.

The past few months though he's insisted on having them every other weekend plus one night in the week (pushing for more but I am pushing back).

I love family life, always have done and have pretty much always done everything for the children. I love spending time with them and I never imagined I'd have to not see them for a few days at a time etc.

The reason for my post is that now with every other weekend on my own, I kiss them so much and I don't know how to get used to this situation. It makes me blue and I dread my weekends off.

Does anyone else have this experience and can you offer me any practical advice about how the hell I ever learn to deal with it?

Thank you xx

I meant miss not kiss

Is he wanting to have them more because his maintenance would be reduced? On the Child Support calculator it asks if the other parent has them 52 or more nights a year.

It's very tough, isn't it? Would it be possible to change your working hours so you work the occasional weekend and have time off in the week?

Not really, I work in a mon to fri office job (with some travel but that's a different juggling act!!). I have recently requested to reduce my hours to give me some extra time but even if that's agreed (not looking great!) I will have the doom weekends! I can't deal with them. I either end up going out on the town which makes me more blue the following day, or I'm at home missing them. I hate it!

Yes I suspect he's trying to lower his costs.

Do you have a hobby you could get more involved in or take up a new one. It's hard but their dad is part of their life

I do feel for you, it must be very hard.
Can you book appointments of some sort, or make arrangements to be placed on the weekends they're with their father? Could you visit your parents? Or do you have any friends in a similar situation?

Try to remember it's about what's best for the kids, they don't exist to keep you from being bored!! A good relationship with their father will stand them in good stead later in life. Lots of evidence for kids doing better when two parents are consistently involved.

I used to make sure I was super busy.
Finish work on Friday, meet friends for drinks, Saturday meet up for coffee (sometimes with 2 different groups), go for walks, Saturday night out or round at friend's house, Sunday visit parents and then get ready for DC to come home.

I know, their dad is part of their lives and for them I have not been resistant to the current level of contact.

My mum lives a long way away and not easy to pop by sadly :-/ I really want to try and find a way to get used to spending time in my house without them. I just don't know how you get there so that it's not sad?

I don't know maybe it's an unanswerable question.

All of my friends have relationships, so weekends are precious for them - don't even get me started on how the hell you meet a new man at this time of life, they're all married!

Wow some people are cutting on here! I'm not 'bored' I miss my children. I think that's a huge difference

Thanks Ditsy1980, I think I need similar structure. Do you find it easier now?

I have no advice, but I feel your pain.

My children 5 and 4, barely sleep out. But they had a sleepover at Nanny's recently (2nd time for my 4yr old and maybe 5th time for 5yr old). And I missed them SO much! I can see her house from my house. The next morning I could see my youngest happily in her garden.

I hope you find a way around this x

I get you

I think it's perfectly fair for ex to have EOW as otherwise where is your quality time with the children?

It's difficult because most people are enjoying their own family time at weekends and you feel you are interrupting them.

It does get easier though over time I have to say, I enjoy having a lovely long lie in and a soak in the bath with a bottle glass of wine, watching post watershed things in the daytime, catching up on reading etc

You can't force it really, it'll happen naturally.

I miss my kids when they are at their dad's too. Yesterday I spent hours in tears.

I should be used to it by now- it's been 2 years. Maybe it's just always hard? I have 0 interest in meeting anyone else, so I don't do dating and have no intention of doing so.

Like PP's have said, it is helpful to keep busy as it takes your mind off missing the kids. I joined a sports club and so usually try and spend a fair bit of the weekend doing that (injured at present though). Runners and cyclists tend to be busy at weekends. Also, you might have a local meetup social group (look on meetup.com). Our local one does walks, cinema, bowling, cycling...all sorts.

Booking up weekends in advance is also useful...e.g. putting a thing on facebook if you notice an event that you'd like to go to (e.g. cinema), and see if anyone else wants to go. Often people with kids and relationships are still up for time out, or there are things that one partner wants to do that the other doesn't.

He might miss his DC too.

Just think how you'd feel if you saw them only 4 days a fortnight.

The DC need both parents. And if he wants more, up to 50/50, than that's a good thing (assuming he cares for them properly).

This really, really isn't about you. Parents away from their DC often miss them. That's natural. But it is no reason whatsoever to 'push back' against the other parent who wishes to have a larger fraction.

I completely get you! My children 6 and 2 tomprrow go away with their father for 5 days. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm keeping myself busy but there will be times I'll find myself in their rooms looking at their toys with that gut wrenching feeling of missing them and just wanting to give them a cuddle. I know they'll have a great time and they need the time with their dad but like you never chose to 'share' my children. It was my ex's decision to see them less frequently which sadly means we (my children and I) are frequently separated.

Someone once told me I should try dropping them off at their dads house, as if he collects them it's like he's taking them away from me and when the door is closed there is this sudden silence.

As others have said over time it gets a little easier. I'm no longer crying my eyes out the minute they go. I try and immediately go out for a run - running have saved me in many respects. This clears my head and gives me a boost! I blitz their bedrooms and the house and feel I'm ready for their return refreshed and ready to tackle the general mayhem that is our family life.

Go easy on yourself, what you're feeling is normal. My ex gets my children to FaceTime which I absolutely love. Maybe you could suggest that?

X

Some good suggestions thank you. I've just looked up Meet Up and downloaded the app. I've asked for FaceTime, but never get it so maybe I need to insist rather than ask!

I don't want to go into the details about access on here as it's not appropriate. But the access levels at the moment are adequate

OP I think there are some on here being a bit unecessary

You did not ask for this situation, as you said, your ex was the one who left the family home. Therefore, regardless of what others say on here, I feel little sympathy for how much your ex misses his kids on his 4 days a fortnight. Those 4 days a fortnight are pretty standard, and in most situations 50/50 parenting does not work in the best interests of the child.

Thank you dangermouseisace I am a first time poster and did sorry I'd get some unhelpful comments :-/ I truly hope that the people being a little unnecessary as you say, don't have to experience the split of a family and all the associated heartache.

Thank you for your support x

Of course you miss your children! It would be really sad if you didn't. I don't think there is anyway to stop missing them. I'm suppose 'keeping busy' will help,a teeny bit but I think the thing that will help the most is time. You are still very much in the early stages of your separation. Your must still be getting used to your kids being away. I don't think you will stop missing them but I'm sure it won't be half as bad in a year or two.
What would help would be to try your hardest to keep things amicable with your ex. If you can try and get to the point where you feel you are sending your DCs to someone who you don't hate etc it will feel better. You are going to have to do-parent for many more years.

Try and remember that it's in your children's interests for you to be happy. It's ok for you to try and do things for yourself when they aren't there.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and I can totally empathise with you xxx
I'm having lots of issues with contact (see my thread for full story!) so wish I'd started with less contact and built up as my ex insisted on almost 50/50 even saying his csa would be reduced this way and I gave in and it's been awful so whilst I agree with people the children have a right to a relationship with their dad sometimes it's better built up so every other weekend and one overnight during the week in my opinion is fine as a start point (I'm going from experience not what works in every case).

In regards to how you're feeling I feel the same and over 18 months on still hate it. I had children so I would have a family and to do family things with and I hate that because my ex cheated and was abusive for half of my life I have lost the one thing I always wanted.
Yes I positively promote contact and understand the importance of their dad in their lives but it doesn't make it easier xxx

Things I've found do help are:

Writing to do lists, it doesn't matter how small the things are i.e hoover living room, put battery in clock, it does help to give me a focus and purpose.

Go for a day out somewhere even if it's just a shopping centre further than you normally would go and you just window shop means you aren't just Sat in at home and it always makes me feel better. By going further away as well it normally takes a full day and I'm exhausted after!!

Go for walks, I love hiking and finding new walks. I've just joined the national trust so now have plenty of walks to do which are mapped for me!

Join borrow my doggy (if you like dogs) and get some pet therapy!

I don't live near my family so understand how lonely it is but you will find ways to fill your time and it does get easier. I know I said I'm struggling still but that's for other reasons.

You have every right to feel how you're feeling and it doesn't mean you don't support your children's relationship with their dad but are going through a huge adjustment period and it will take time xxx

Morning. Hope you are feeling s little better about things. I'm new to this. Not so do walked out 3 weeks ago as there was no spark. Code for I'm shagging someone else although not popped up yet.

Yesterday he took the kids to his parents for 4 days. I hate it. It wasn't what I wanted or planned when we had a family.

I am working so it is easier to keep busy. I know when the weekend visits kick in that will be harder. Over joined ginger bread to find local mums who might like to go out and do things.

I'm also going to look into volunteering with the local homeless hostel as there will come a time that over Christmas they won't be here so thought that would give me something to focus on.

It is shit. We didn't ask or want this. Hope you can make some space for yourself. I plan to decorate every room because that will put my mark in the house.

I could have written this so I totally feel your pain! I'm 7 months in and struggle with this. I'd never had much time away from my children so this is so hard.
I've literally booked up every moment of the last 7 months with doing things, seeing people, going out. I find being in the house makes it worse as it's so deathly quiet. I have to have the radio on if I'm here alone on my weekends without them.
I've also booked a couple of weekends away so I've got something to look forward to in the coming months. I'm slowly getting used to it. Last weekend I had my first night alone in the house without them since my ex left. And it was ok, I survived!
It will get a bit better I promise. Just plan things for when they're not there. That's the key. X

Sounds like you are doing well pass the biscuit. I hope in a few months that I will be adjusting. Just got to build a new life.