Pregnant and don't know where baby stands with father

[Toriamayrose]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant & me and the father arnt together, we was together for a few months back last last year & it only took 2-3 months for me to see his actions never measured up to his words & was just after a relationship with someone anyone as he was miserable with his own life & thought a relationship was answer to all his problems, I already have two girls from previous relationship & he already has a son from previous relationship, I ended up ending the relationship a week or two after losing my father as he wasn't supportive at all & just completely let me down & always about him, I ended up blocking him & changing my number a few weeks later as he kept on with the your the only girl for me texts & love u texts but I genuinely believe its all cause he's so miserable with his own life not because he actually loved me, he'd texted things like I'm going to live my life on my own & bugger women if I can't have u hopefully my life won't be much longer (all the while knowing I only just lost my father who I adored & am still heartbroken that he's gone) so he's a pity me type of guy too poor me poor me when in fact I don't see whats that bad in his life to be so miserable about he also messaged my FAM/friends during this time, anyways moving forward I later find out I'm pregnant with his child to say I was shocked was a under statement I'd only just lost my dad had the funeral to go through & dealing with all his affairs was hard as his will was invalid & he had estate/land/ vechicles.... Only thing that kept me going was my girls & the fact i wanted to make my dad proud by how ive dealt with losing him i really dont think ive grieved at all & have just gone through the motions of what had to be done, because of this it took me awhile to accept this pregnancy & face it, I then made contact with him & explained I was pregnant & I was so happy that he responded that he was happy & we spent months of this pregnancy getting along ok, oc I had my resavations about what he was says ng to me as I'd previously learnt from our relationship that his word meant nothing but as father of this baby I decided to take him at his word that he wanted to be there for all of it & he couldn't wait for her to come etc.... He come to my house when I was 8 months to talk about arrangements such as delivery & him spending time with baby we made agreements arrangements that were fab for baby & I was so happy about it all, only problem we had during this time was he would say he still loved me still only girl for him & wanted us to be a family I would be as nice as I could & say I wasn't interested in being with him & we both had to put baby first, then one night it just got touch for me texts that had nothing to do with baby & was totally inappropriate & even rude I texted a rather strong message that we was over & he needed to accept that & consontrate on baby as I felt maybe he needed to hear it like that as polite wasn't working, then bang it all changed nasty messages he got a new gf within one day of me texting that & just all fell apart I tryed to keep my side tidy as poss but no matter what I was texting about hospital appointment etc he would either be funny or just ignore, then 4 weeks ago I thought I was in labour so I texted him as we had planned as he said he wanted to be there for delivery I didn't hear back off him at all, next day I texted him that I wasn't in labour & had been diagnosed with SPD & it was that I had been feeling not contractions & asked him outright did he want to know when his daughter was born or not? He replied a message that was so long & paragraphs of how he never stopped loving me & how it was all my fault things was like they was & this was how I wanted it as I didn't want him and right on the end he put yeah be nice to know when my daughters here, well it broke me to be fair how selfish he could be how he spend months acting like he was happy about this lil one & really it was just to try & get back together broke me that we gone from two separated parents who was still going to do it all together for baby to this mess, yet still I just replied that was all irrevant now & course I'd let him know when she was here, next thing I hear is he hasn't told his son about this baby & has told his new gf he dosnt know if this baby is his 3 weeks before she is due to be born I decided there & then I'd stop messaging him updates of appointments & that if he wanted to know he'd ask is generally what my FAM/friends was saying ain't heard anything from him & from what I hear he has replaced me with this new girl ie things they do is what we planned to do before we split its all such a mess & with under a week to go I'm at a loss that all I can do is just texted him when she is hear & just wait & see if I hear off him or not, he also only lives down the street so will be extremely awkward for all involved if he keeps on the way he is all I want is for us to get on & do beat we can by baby but I see now it isn't going to happen & I really just like some advice on how I get passed all his done to this one & she ain't even here & what u would do depending on his moves if that makes sense sorry for long post I tried to make it as short as I could without missing any big details out tia x

I have found it very hard reading due to lack of paragraphs..

However at this point in time.I would not let him know you are in labour..Tell him after the event then inform the CMS...

At this stage you are very vulnerable and the last thing you need in labour is him obsessing about you..If you have someone there it should be someone who can support you.

If he wants to see the baby then.. I would be clear there will be no further discussions about your relationship..Anything he texts about relationship ignore..Respond only to things relevant to baby

He either just wants to be with you or he's finding it to hard to know he can't be with you but still see you, either way not much you can do about him.

Your choice now is to get on with your life he may come to his senses he may not.

However from what I read he's not in a good place, and it's not your place to fix him, you will feel like you want to so your child has a dad but it won't work.

I know men who give up on their children because it's too hard to be around their mum etc.

Be prepared to do it alone and that wa you won't be disappointed or stressed.

Good luck

Yes I know deep down I just got to get on with it & let him make his own choices weather he's going to be there for her or not as nothing I have done to try & sort it out got anywhere, no I don't plan on telling him I'm in labour anymore just once she is here & see if I hear off him or not & yes I have a very supportive family who can be there instead, yes he does seem like he's in a bad place ATM but just wish he be straight & say exactly where she stands with him & if any & how much involvement he actually wants with her its such a wide space of I want to be there for it all even told me he'd taken a week off around due date to be there to bond with her to don't know if she is mine isn't it, nothing worse than the unknown as they say, I know I can't fix him no matter how I much I want to & right now he's angry & hurt at me but surly not that much that he walk away from his child just to get away from me, he could see baby via my mother etc if its that much of a problem for him, guess I just gotta ride it out & just deal with it as it comes with him

The thing that strikes me is he let you down when your dad died and now you are 39 weeks pregnant he is also making it about him.

Focus on your life with your little girl when she arrives , and resting while you can at this stage.

Yes inform him but let him make the effort if he wants to see her. You have enough to deal with.

Thanks for advice, she was born last Wednesday & had my mother message him that baby had arrived,
He never got back to her & hasn't acknowledged in anyway that he has had a daughter now as far as I'm aware as his sister contacted me after passing mine & seeing banners/balloons asking could she come she & her children come see baby as he hadn't told any of his family she had been born & they come to see her on Sunday & made it clear whatever he decides to do she wants to be in babies life,
So baby is going to at least have her auntie and some cousins in her life, she also said she would let they parents know & her other sister that baby is here & can they come see her too if they wanted too I said corse but havent heard back about any more of the family wanting to be apart of her life yet so not holding out any hope as they must know by now living so close,
Also found out on babies aunties visit he dosnt bother hardly with his other child he has & sees him about once every few months which is not what he told me when we was together, told me he spoke to him nearly every day on phone & would see him him every two/three weeks at least feel like a idiot if I'm honest would never of been with a man who treats his own children like this, he's told so many lies to different people,
Anyways baby is amazing & doing fab & I'm on cloud 9 with her & I think maybe its a blessing in disguise for baby that its turned out this way, I was so upset for her at thought her father wasn't interested anymore but now im hearing the different stories hes told to me/tom/dick & harry is so different & the truth about everything is coming out its like seeing the real him his wardrobe has burst open in front of me from all the stuff he's hidden in there & although it still makes me sad to think my little girl has to grow up without a father/ a father living down street who dosnt acknowledge her she won't be messed about by him as the son is & only surrounded by people who do genuinely care & want to be in her life, my next little dilemma now is the birth certificate do I have my mam message him asking does he want to go or no...? I think no as he hasn't done anything to show he is interested in baby but if he is asked he can never through it back at me that I didn't let him know I was going it will be another choice he has made but then again hes not stupid he knows she has to be registered & he has to be there for his name to go on there so he's already made the choice he dosnt want to go on there choosing not to acknowledge her, my last dilemma is how would u be with the grandparents who live down street if they choose not to be apart of her life, would u continue to be friendly & say hi nice day that sort of thing when passing as we've always done or make it clear them choosing not to bother with grandchild isn't a cool thing to me & take the ignore them walk past them option when we do see them xx

Firstly congratulations on the arrival of your little girl.

A few points....RE birth certificate...Absolutely do not give a man who is not involved with your DD an opportunity to go on birth certificate...It gives him PR which can make it more difficult wanting to travel abroasd, he has a right to say in things. My Ds's dad has no contact..( we were married when I had my DS so has PR) life would be easier if he didn't..

RE his family.. I would tread carefully. With sisters visit..Be clear you do not want to discuss him with her. Do not tell her dates of appointments.. Family tend to support family with few exceptions.

As for grandparents...This clearly is the second time they have shown no interest in a grandchild...So unsuprisingly their DS thinks his behaviour is fine. I wouldn't be making any small talk with them..As your little girl gets older..Who is that questions come out? Do not add his family to your FB.