Does it get better? Please say it does.

[Stella08]

I'm just posting as I'm really fed up with everything at the moment.

Back story. I spilt with ExH just over 2yrs ago due to mainly, financial, emotional and phycological abuse. All 3DC came with me, leaving ExH in the marital home of 13yrs( only his name on Mortgage). He was a professional, I was SAHM. I got a job as soon as I left to support the DC as getting money from him was difficult.

CMS managed to sort it with him and from August 16 I was receiving £650PM maintenance for the children based on his tax return. Novembers payment came and that day I got a text to say he wouldn't be paying for a while as he was going out of the country for a few months due to family issues (he's African).

I took this opportunity to gain entry to the house to retrieve what I needed (on advice from my solicitor) as he wouldn't let me have anything other than my clothes and personal stuff. I left with nothing, no furniture, pictures of the children, nothing.

I'd just moved house and had nothing so basically took the furniture. He kept both cars and the house and wasn't willing to discuss any terms of dividing any assets. So I took the opportunity to get what I could.

Since then, he hasn't been back to the house, has left his job (60k+) and is claiming carers allowance for his sister whilst living with her down south. It's now August and I've still not had a penny from him. CMS advised me that this week I would get a payment of about £30 as they were taking it direct from his benefits. I've not got it, so I've phoned and have been told that due to a clerical error the Benefits agency haven't taken it from him and the request has to be submitted again and hopefully a payment will be made in the next 4 weeks or so. I have £4 in my account and I'm really struggling. I had a bit of a melt down with CMS and told them that since he last contributed to his children in November he's spent 3 months in Nigeria and has just come back from 3 weeks in New York!!

How is this fair?

After having £7pw taken from his benefits and having a clear conscience about providing for his children he has about £50pw to do as he pleases with. I work and don't have that spare to spend on the kids!! I'm pretty sure he's defaulting on the mortgage so I doubt I'll see anything from the martial home. I am so blind with rage at him and the system. I have a headache from crying. I just want him out of our lives, it's not worth it for £7pw minus the charges from CMS as they're forcing him to pay! And he's not seen the youngest 2 since November either (he's disowned the eldest).

Please tell me it gets better!!

If you've managed to read this, thank you. I feel loads better for getting some of it off my chest.

That is a big drop in money, and he is selfish with regards to the house if you'd been with him so long and have children.
Are you claiming all the benefits you can i.e. Working tax credit etc.
It doesn't seem like he is going to change. I hope you find a way to raise your income. Being a single parent is hard enough without the burden of having no money. I hope you feel better soon. Sorry I'm not really any help. life can get better try to be positive X

Thanks for replying

I'm claiming everything I can. I ended up with quite a lot of debt after moving out as I had to furnish a house again, fridge, washer, beds etc (all while waiting for benefits to come through) so I'm paying off an IVA now as I could manage it when he was paying maintenance. As soon as he stopped I was in way above my head but sought help quickly. We usually struggle by the time Thursday comes but I get paid on Fridays and TC and child benefits go in on Mondays so it's not too bad.
I'm more hacked off that the system think it's reasonable for him to pay £7 towards 3 children. If I spent £7pw on them, SS would be involved, they'd be taken off me and I'd be facing prosecution for child neglect!
He's a tool and always will be. I on the other hand have 3 beautiful, intelligent and happy children. Times will ease and it'll all be worth it in the end

Yes I agree it's disgusting, and hardly worth all the paperwork involved. Sounds strange that he had such a well paid job and now just getting benefits I hope he's not lying to get out of maintenance. But your much better off without him, and yes be proud of yourself your doing really well coping. I have 3DC too it's hard work.

He worked for the NHS but did LOTS of agency work on top. He was on a supervision order by the NMC for messing up on a shift and then ignored the supervision order so was suspended from NHS. He knew what was coming so left before he was pushed.
All very good timing for him but he's lost his beloved career and everything he worked for. Stupid man.

yes he's lost a lot a good job, a house and more importantly you and the kids definitely not a smart man. Hope your feeling a bit better today. X

I am thanks

It was more frustration yesterday. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around though.

I fled from my Exh... so I also ended up in an unfurnished house. I also get £7 a week from ex although I only have one child.

It does get easier. How old are your children? childcare costs drop once they start school.

My DS's dad hasn't seen him in 7 years..

I get to have the pride of raising my ds ( as tough as it is sometimes) all his achievements I know I can take pride he can't, I reaised him his money hasn't even paid for his dinner money. I only continue to ask for it to annoy him and so I know he is alive.

I can't understand a parent not wanting to see their children.

Mine are 15,13 & 8 so luckily no childcare costs. Ex only really bothers with 13yr old DS. DD 15 hasnt had any contact at all with him for 2 years now at ex's request as she wouldn't write him a letter of apology after questioning his behavior towards me just before we left and he occasionally asks to speak to DD 8 if DS manages to get him on the phone.

Honestly, right now I'd settle for the divorce and him to leave us alone. DS always acts up when he's been in touch and it's really not worth it.

You're doing brilliantly. I can't include cms in my budget it's too risky. Anything I get is a bonus it goes in a different account

A bit of progress has happened today

Spoken to my solicitor and his solicitor has agreed to send his financial statement. Apparently the marital home is in the process of selling and they want me to remove the marital hold thing I registered with the land registry so that the sale can go ahead. We have agreed to do this once we have seen the financial statement and come to an agreement on dividing the equity and his pension.

Fingers crossed that I may finally be divorced and have the financial settlement sorted by Christmas!!

I think he's finally realised after getting legal advice that I wasn't going away and it's better to just pay up and get on with the rest of his life.

CMS still haven't managed to send me any maintenance though hopefully that will be sorted at the beginning of September.