how do other people see us?

[nightowl]

recent threads have perhaps prompted me to ask this question. do you feel as lone parents that we are looked down on? (i dont mean on mn by the way, just in general). i for one am sick and tired of feeling the need to explain myself, why i am a single parent etc. i always feel that i need to justify it and have received more negative comments that positive. the only good comment i have ever received was from one of my previous work suppliers. we were on a night out with them and i was pregnant. i was chatting to one man and when he found out that my partner had left me (it was just mentioned in conversation, nothing more) he turned around and said that he admired me for what i was doing, bringing a child into the world when i knew it would be difficult and that his mother had done the same, he never knew his father etc. i was touched. he was the ONLY person that thought this way when even my own family were telling me to have an abortion. has anyone had the same experience?

oops, meant to say that on my list of priorities, how other people see me is about 4,345th at the moment

Do any other single mums really find it sweet when someone else takes an interest in your child and can actually play freely with them because its only you there and not 2 parents hovering over and sometimes 'getting in the way'?

I have a couple of friends that, when I go round to see them, are really happy to play with dd and entertain her while I can just sit there for a few minutes and relax. It really makes me happy to see someone else being able to interact with dd because she hasn't got a dad permanently 'monopolising' her (not saying all dads do this of course!!). One of these friends is a man and I don't for a minute see him as a dad replacement but its nice seeing another man be comfortable with my baby, rather than being stand-offish because I'm a young mum. Hope YKWIM!!

It's an interesting thread - I have to say it honestly has never occurred to me what other people think (although I might be tempted to start wondering now!) and i don't think i care very much! I do care what people think of my parenting skills, my kids etc but not the fact that I'm on my own. Strange world isn't it?

I know single parenting must be hard work, making sure your children are appear extra well cared for, having to be twice as good as two parent families to get half the credit. I also think MI has a good point about it being even harder to balance childcare with mancare when the man in your life is no good.

I've never been a single parent, but I used to live in close proximity to two women, both of whome were single parents. I khow they had things hard and I hope I don't sound as if this is sour grapes, but I had things hard as well at that time. In each case these single parents had lots of supportive family living nearby. One of the parents also had an amicable relationship with her ex partner who took her son every weekend, leaving her two days to herself. The other woman's parents took her child for a couple of days a week also, and did lots of school pick ups and evening babysitting when required. They really enjoyed their time off and had no hated ex hovering in the background to bring them down. Although finances were tight for them, they had this informal network to draw on if things got really tough. Contrast that with my then set up - a dh fighting depression, no family nearby, no free babysitting, no time off at all with my dh (unless we paid someone) a heavy financial burden which meant I was doing two jobs, working six or even seven days a week. I felt really unsupported and at times (despite loving my husband) I really envied my single friends' life. They knew my situation, yet offered me little sympathy. Every time I had a moan about things, the answer would be 'well at least you are not a single parent like I am, at least you have your dh' as if that made everything fine. They seemed blind to the fact that I was having a very tough time too, day in day out with no break from it. I'm not in contact with either of these women now, but their attidude still annoys me.

I think the lack of a nearby family or very close friend support network for any parent, single or not, is a potentially serious problem. Having the most loving, supportive dh in the world is not a neat subsitute. I think you need to further categorise single and couple parents - those that have a good support network and those that don't.

its right what people have said about having to work extra hard at to get a bit of credit. i always used to take pride in the fact that i wasnt what people expected me to be. i owned my own house and had a good job. when i had to move to a council house i still took pride that i worked and didnt claim benefits, and that my house was nice. the council's attitude used to annoy me when if i ever phoned up for a repair it was "are you in tomorrow?" "no, i work full time" "well are you in the day after that?" it took them 3 years to add it to their records that i worked. unfortunatly i got made redundant this year so i am now exactly what they all expect and people are so judgmental. when i went to the jobcentre the woman looked at me very sympathetically and said "now, have you ever worked?" ggggrrrrrrrrrr.

tigermoth, i find at times like christmas especially, i look at the families wandering around the shops with their kids looking so happy and i do feel envious. then i have to remind myself that everything is not always that rosy for anyone and all families have their problems.

Dp and I both work weird hours, and we've found that people's attitudes to us vary depending on what time we take we the children out. If I'm out on my own with them on a weekday daytime, no-one bats an eyelid, but if either of us take them out on our own at weekends people often assume that we're lone parents and their attitudes change (for the worse in my case and more favourably for dp). If we're out with them together in the daytime people, especially shop assistants, seem to think that neither of us work, so their attitudes change accordingly (not too polite etc).
As I spend a lot of time on my own with the children I have a huge amount of respect for lone parents, and so will your children when they grow up and realise what you've coped with single-handedly.

Just to let you know, DD and I have just come back from a week away in Greece. Fab experience. No tantrums, either. Met some lovely people with children. Felt a pang when I saw a guy putting suncream on his girlfriend. Sufice to say, have burnt back, but still we did it. (our 4th hol alone).