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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

how do other people see us?

57 replies

nightowl · 14/07/2004 07:43

recent threads have perhaps prompted me to ask this question. do you feel as lone parents that we are looked down on? (i dont mean on mn by the way, just in general). i for one am sick and tired of feeling the need to explain myself, why i am a single parent etc. i always feel that i need to justify it and have received more negative comments that positive. the only good comment i have ever received was from one of my previous work suppliers. we were on a night out with them and i was pregnant. i was chatting to one man and when he found out that my partner had left me (it was just mentioned in conversation, nothing more) he turned around and said that he admired me for what i was doing, bringing a child into the world when i knew it would be difficult and that his mother had done the same, he never knew his father etc. i was touched. he was the ONLY person that thought this way when even my own family were telling me to have an abortion. has anyone had the same experience?

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wobblyknicks · 15/07/2004 23:53

Don't know if this has been said before but does anyone here LOATHE that benefits advert with the single mum? It makes it look like all single mums are idiots with nothing more to do in the day than cock-up their friends hair-dye and go and get their benefits!!!! Stupid f-ing advert!!!

Tinker · 16/07/2004 15:23

Interesting thread. I can't recall any negative comments about bing a single parent, only admiring ones. But then I was 32 when I became a mother, was working and owned a home. I'm sure I'd be subject to negative views if I was claiming benefits. However, I've just realised that if I see a very young woman with a child I think I assume she's a single mother.

Yes, being in hospital after the baby has been born, ante-natal appointments etc are quite uncomfortable on your own but with regards to school forms etc requesting the father's details, I quite like drawing attention to be a single mother because my daughter is confident, bright, happy, popular etc and I think "I did that" (I didn't, but you know what I mean)

What I do wish people would ask about though is her father. It's this great unmentionable subject once people cotton on to you being on your own, as though it's embarassing. Which just makes it more difficult to mention him

Chocol8 · 16/07/2004 23:55

I'd like to add my name to all the single parents out there - lone parent sounds much more hip - i just can't get used to saying it (possibly too old!!!)

It's been nearly 5 years and love the freedom it gives me but I really take my hat off to those of you and my friends who choose to have a child by use of a fertility clinic (or a turkey baster in my friend's case).

Having recently recieved my ds's school report I was really annoyed to see on the envelope "to the parents of ..." and was going to kick up a stink - but then realised it actually said "to the parent of...". I was very pleased because at last because it means that the school have finally realised what a waste of space his "father" is.

For at least the first year I wore my wedding ring but then one day someone said to me what a marvellous job I was doing and I should be proud of myself - I took my ring off and in a few cases endured the looks - but generally I am very upfront about it now, and proud that I am a single working parent, and think all of you in the same position should feel proud too.

Original poster

nightowl · 17/07/2004 03:00

lol at wobblyknicks, i hate that sodding advert. im surprised there havent been complaints about it. which idiot thought of that i wonder?

OP posts:

wobblyknicks · 17/07/2004 12:23

nightowl - there haven't been complaints about it because the people offended by it (single mums) have actually got lives to lead, babies to look after and a job equivalent to 4 full-time jobs to do, so whoever did the advert knows they won't have time to complain!!

Original poster

nightowl · 18/07/2004 02:08

aha! i see. like we have time to watch telly anyway eh? eh?

OP posts:

wobblyknicks · 18/07/2004 11:56

Of course - I haven't watched a minutes telly since dd was born, I only know about the ad because someone else told me about it of course!!!

(that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!!)

boudicca · 18/07/2004 12:09

I was an 'unmarried mother' thirty years ago-I always felt my Dds had to be especially clever/wellbehaved/clean/polite and altogether not give anyone a reason to look down on them.I think living in Belgravia saved us a lot of humiliation though!......fifteen years later and living in a HA property we are regarded as 'the norm' but I still slightly feel the need to overcompensate at times.I've loved having my Dds to myself,though do feel slightly selfish that none of them have had contact with their respective fathers(their ,fathers,choice not mine)

motherinferior · 18/07/2004 12:11

Can I add something? My attitude tends to be not so much 'I don't know how single parents cope' as 'I don't know how women in very traditional arrangements where they do ALL the childcare/cooking/housework AND look after a husband AND look immaculate cope'. The first situation I can get my head round. The second I can't.

Fizog · 18/07/2004 12:14

I wish I had time to read the entire thread. I will come back later and find time!!!

sorry if the conversation has moved on but yes as a single parent I do think we are looked down on but there are many more aspects to it. I will come back and contribute more fully later

wobblyknicks · 18/07/2004 12:14

boudicca - there is a sort of unspoken pressure to 'prove' that you can do as well as a two-parent family.

mi - I totally agree with you. The only reason I CAN cope is because I've only got myself and dd to think of - if I had a DH too I'd give up!!! And I also don't have to look immaculate, I don't stress about housework etc.

ggglimpopo · 18/07/2004 12:17

Message withdrawn

wobblyknicks · 18/07/2004 12:21

gg - totally agree with you!!! Since leaving UH things haven't got harder, they've got a lot easier. I've only got one baby to look after now, not one baby and a tantruming toddler!!! And, like you said, I used to do so much for him - and he never lifted a finger to help me so of course dd and I are better off.

boudicca · 18/07/2004 12:26

Oh how true MI,
Ggg-mine all have different fathers--after all ,I couldn't make the same mistake twice could I???

picking fathers,not my Dds!!They were my reason for getting up on the bad days,and a complete joy (most)of the time,at least untill the dreaded teenage years.

Pes · 18/07/2004 12:56

I agree with MI too. I had ds on my own and had to go back to work full time, and yes it was very hard work. But I could put all my energy into him, and had noone else to worry about. Now I have dp, whilst obviously a good thing in many ways does mean I seem to have even more to do.
And I do think that there is still some prejudice against single mothers. Which is totally ridiculous given the numbers of families now headed by a single parent.
In the hospital when I had ds there was a young girl who had a baby at the same time. No-one came to visit her. Obviously I don't know what her situation was but I did feel sorry for her because she seemed to have no support at all, and no-one to share the happiness of a new life with. And because a couple of the midwives were really patronising to her. She left the hospital as soon as she possibly could, and I didn't blame her.
I personally have never experienced any prejudice. I went to antenatal classes with a friend and did feel a bit funny as all the others were with partners.
But I think its more likely to be experienced by younger mothers who might 'appear' to fit the stereotype more closely. Being an older mother of 37 when I had him, I suppose I didn't.

motherinferior · 18/07/2004 13:05

Oh good, glad I'm not completely off on one with this. I'm not trying to underestimate the amount of work - and emotional responsiblity - that lone parents have, but as I say, I can imagine doing that. The idea of a partner who never changed nappies or did cooking or took the kids in the morning...well, where's the point in that?

juniper68 · 18/07/2004 13:11

Haven't read the thread properly but I'm in awe of single mums TBH. And let's face it any of us could be a single mum on any given day so who are we to look down on anyone?

One of my bessie mates is a single mum to 3 under 7 and she's a better mum than me even though she's 10 years younger. I never hesitate to ask her advice

juniper68 · 18/07/2004 13:13

Bl* H** how dare anyone ask if they're all from the same dad

MeanBean · 18/07/2004 13:42

MotherInferior, you're absolutely right, the amount of work single mothers have to do is probably less than mothers who have useless layabout husbands, but I think the major strain is the sole responsibility and never having anyone else to lean on. Knowing that the buck stops wholly with you is quite frightening, but is also much easier than having a man around who is half there, half not (emotionally) ? at least you know you?re on your own, and can plan accordingly. And it's also good if you're a control freak!

I actually do think that poverty aside (which is a major issue for many lone parents), the biggest problem we face is not so much how we do it, as how others perceive us. I have no doubt whatsoever that my life is a lot easier and pleasanter than that of a mother in an unhappy partnership (particularly since the introduction of tax credits!) and that my children are happier and more well-adjusted than they would be if their father was still around, but the overwhelming gut reaction of a large section of society is disbelief that that can be possible. And it?s very difficult to shift that perception, as others have said, your kids have got to be better behaved, cleaner, brighter, more shiny than other kids, because as soon as they do anything remotely naughty, which in a child from a two parent family is accepted as normal naughtiness, it becomes a symptom of an underlying dysfunctionality in children of a one-parent family. A bit like being a woman in a ?man?s job? ? you have to be twice as good to get half the credit.

curlysue · 18/07/2004 14:29

Very well said MeanBean! I also agree with Tinker that it might have been easier for me because I was in my thirties with a good job and a house, nice car etc and not on benefits. People just think I'm superwoman which I'm not (obviously!!) but I am one for keeping up appearances - a control freak too MB!

I do think it would be harder if I was on benefits and/or my kids were a bit wild. People are too quick to judge!

Those of you who talk about how hard it is in a crappy relationship with a man who doesn't help or support you are very true. I felt things got a lot easier once I was on my own and the buck stopped with me. Also no man to clear up after and to create an atmosphere. Heaven!

Fizog · 18/07/2004 14:57

MB - I could be you. excecpt you make the point much more succiently than I would.

I am also a control freak

Am I alone in loving being a single parent? I love everything about it. When/If I meet someone that will be the only thing about singledom that I miss.

I love proving people wrong with their negative expectations, I love taking all the credit for my wonderful dd, I love having so much time where it's just the two of us... I love everything, in fact I could start a whole new thread about all the good things about being a single/lone parent and how much I enjoy it

There's such a high parental seperation rate these days that in another decade people really won't really think twice.

curlysue · 18/07/2004 16:45

I think I did start that very thread fizog!! I'm determined not to meet anyone - I love being on my won too! Living with someone now would be too hard!

hana · 18/07/2004 21:38

I haven't read the tread but I have great admiration for parents - mothers - going it alone. When DH is away working I always think of how difficult it is on my own and don't think I could cope. Really - I don't know how you manage and I think you are fantastic for doing it. It's a tough job and tougher for one.

bundle · 18/07/2004 21:43

the only single parent I know well is a dad, and he's terrific

irishjewels · 18/07/2004 23:26

I think because i was pg alone and always a lone parent it has been easier for me to cope as i know no different. Had i been in a relationship with the support of a loving partner and that had been taken away from me i imagine that it would have been SO much harder to deal with.

Having never had someone to give me a break/cut the grass/check the babys' temperature has made me very strong and independent. It will also really make me appreciate the contribution that "Mr Right" makes to my life one day when (IF) i am ready.

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