Parent making themselves uncontactable

[Whoknows11]

So my ex went away this weekend and turned his phone off. My youngest was ill and I needed him to pick him up from nursery but got his voicemail. I found this hugely irresponsible and I'm quite shocked he did this. What happens if something awful had happened with no way of contacting him. Is this a man thing? A useless father thing? An immature thing or all of the above? I very rarely ring my ex for help to do with our children as he's very unreliable. Def won't be in the future!

Any comments positive or negative welcomed please? As upon telling my ex I felt it was v irresponsible his reply was 'no in fact it was very responsible' Clearly we're not on the same page 😉

I'm confused, he went away this weekend but you needed him to do a nursery pick up? Do your kids go to nursery on the weekends?

Sorry no on Friday I tried contacting him with no such luck, straight to answer machine. When I asked him he said he'd been away and turned his phone off fri-sun (night)!

Is he the 2nd contact for the nursery? Does he usually pick up when Dc is sick and you can't collect?

I very rarely ring my ex for help to do with our children as he's very unreliable.

Why are you surprised then? You know him to be unreliable and he was.

You need to arrange your childcare as if he doesn't exist (this is what I have to do). You need a back up and a back up back up that doesn't depend on him at all.

Whilst you might never turn off your phone in case of emergency - which is what probably most parents do - he clearly thinks he can. All I can say, on advice from a good friend, is where ex is concerned have a Plan B, C & D so you're never left high and dry. My childminder is the second person named on the emergency contacts list, not my exH - do you have family or a friend who can grab you dc in an emergency?

Thank you for your comments. Yes I do normally have a back up plan which isn't my children's father but my mother is currently away. As I very rarely ask him for anything I do find myself wondering occasionally why doesn't he have to leave work when our children are ill. Please don't get me wrong I'd prefer to be there for my children but his line of work is so much more straight fwd to just leave. On paper it makes sense but logistically it doesn't and this has reminded me that I'll never ask him again.

No I deleted him as 2nd contact after I realised he has nothing to do with nursery e.g. I pay etc

Just thought as a decent human being he'd like to help out when his children are ill and not just get the 'best' bits! However it's reminded me he's not a decent human being as I wouldn't be in this situation if he was!

Yes I do normally have a back up plan which isn't my children's father but my mother is currently away.

Ah, well, do you think If might have been an idea to check with him first of all that he was available before assuming he would be your back up? It's generally best to inform your back up that they are your back up.

I've been a 50/50 parent for over 8 years - it's only worked because both ex and I have the freedom to go away for work, hobbies, and socially without being "on duty" when DCs are with the other parent.

He assumed the duties as back up plan the day he became a father!

You can't just decide you don't want to one day, without consulting the equal parent!

Castironcookware - when you aren't on duty does the other parent know not to contact to you in emergencies?

He assumed the duties as back up plan the day he became a father!

So he is never allowed to have a weekend away??

when you aren't on duty does the other parent know not to contact to you in emergencies?

We don't rely on each other, no.

On occasion there has been emergencies - and we've called each other to try and get in touch.
If we can help each other out we do, but it's certainly not expected or relied on.

You can go away for weekend and still be contactable. In this day an age you can read a bedtime story over Skype to make your child feel better. It wouldn't help OP in terms of picking up at short notice from nursery. But I think it's a bit sad a child's father wouldn't want to be reached if his child needed him.

MeanAger

Of course he is and he does. I've just never experienced him not wanting to be contacted in case of an emergency and was shocked he turned his phone off all weekend!

grassoigeons - I think from this experience it's made me feel sad for him that he doesn't want to know if they need him. I can't imagine feeling that way as a parent. Nothing is more important than my children.

But I think it's a bit sad a child's father wouldn't want to be reached if his child needed him.

Plenty of parents choose to be uncontactable for periods of time - because of hobbies, interests, voluntary commitments, even careers.

That doesn't make them bad parents.

Yes completely understand but not for 60 hours when you know your child has been unwell!

TBH, all the criticisms you've directed at your ex could apply to me - I leave my ex to parent alone sometimes, I'm not always contactable and sometimes I've made the decision to leave the country when I know a DC is unwell in their dads care.

I consider myself to be a decent human being - even if others judge me differently.

But I'm sure you make your ex known to the fact you'll be uncontactable for however long and if you've left the country when your children are ill you know that you ex will contact you if they need to?

I think that's the difference as my ex did none of the above