does he really need his dad?

[beansmum]

i've just become a single mum, I had a boy 6 weeks ago and so far no regrets about not having a partner. I broke up with his dad when I found out I was pregnant and after struggling for a few months to remain friends we eventually gave up and the father said he wanted no further contact.

Since I had the baby he has changed his mind and has been to visit a couple of times. I feel really selfish but I would rather he wasn't involved at all, especially since he has refused to tell his family and friends that he has a son.

I just can't see how he can be a proper dad if the only contact he has is a couple of hours a week or less and the baby wont even get to meet his other grandparents. Is it just me being selfish and not wanting to share my son? just really confused about what to do about the situation, if it was just about me I would be happy never to see him again and to leave it up to his son to get in contact with him when he is older if he wants to.

Has anyone got a child who has no contact with his/her dad? Do you think they need contact? I'm confused.

Anyway, he's a lovely baby and I'm glad I have him however the dad situation turns out

hi beansmum. my exp (dd's father) hardly ever sees dd. he comes every 3 weekends to see her, and even then doesnt do much with her. as much as i dont like exp, i do want dd to have a relationship with him. although ive said that dd cant stay with exp until shes old enough to make her own decisions (when shes talking in other words) and then we can ask her and see what she wants. i think it is important that your ds has a relationship with his dad, but i think its a bit funny that he hasnt told his parents that he has a ds. sorry if im not much help, but i have to grit my teeth every time exp and his parents come round to see dd because i would rather tell them to sling their hook and never come round again. but i dont for dd's sake

i think i should wait a while and see how it goes, maybe if he told his parents it would be easier and i'm still not sure why he hasn't. I'm not certain but i think he has a new girlfriend who doesn't know about me or bean. its not too much of a problem now but when bean gets older i'm sure he'll want to know why his dad doesn't want anyone to know about him.

No sorry as much as he needs a father he needs a father who is willing to stand up and be proud of him and if he is that much of an emotional cripple that he is keeping hs son a secret from his family and girlfriend then he doesn't deserve to see him.

I probably am the worlds biggest bitch at the moment but I would turn up on his parents doorstep or at least send them a photo - they might actually want to be part of your sons life and might be able to be of some help to you!!

I have to admit i'm quite tempted to tell them, He is their grandson and they would probably like to have some contact, although judging by how their son turned out you never know.

I would without a doubt - they deserve to know and if they don;t want anything to do wioth him fair enough but they might and you might be doing your son a great service allowing him to have another set of grandparents.

at least ds wil hae a chance to know part of his fathers side even if its just his grandparents. they do have a right to know, and would probably be upset for not knowing. the early years are the most prescious i think

Can you discuss it properly with him, or is he not the type you can have an adult conversation with?

My children don't see their father, in spite of the fact that when we split up, we discussed him remaining part of their lives, and agreed that it didn't really matter how often he saw them, as long as it was consistent. I didn't want to be in the position of never knowing when to expect him, and having to mop up the mess when he regularly let them down, as so many single mothers have to do. And he agreed that that is a shitty way to treat children and he would never do that. So he seems to have made a unilateral decision to go the other way, and not see them at all.

It's not ideal and if I had any control over it I would like them to have a relationship with their father, but I believe that it is preferable to him breezing in and out every few months and turning their world upside down, only to disappear again for what in their timescale is an age. I think consistency is all for children.

If he is at all amenable to reason, I would try and discuss with your DD's dad what role he sees himself playing in his son's life. And also, think about what role you want him to play. You might find the two ideas clash horribly, but you never know, they might tally up!

hi beansmum, i would say it depends a lot on the circumstances but i have to be honest...what id give for my baby's dad to want to know her. ive begged him to see her time and time again yet he denies she's his (not to my face mind) and he has changed his number. i havent seen him since i was three months pg. i dont think you are being selfish, i just wish my dd's daddy wanted her. ive got a thread on this anyway in lone parents if you fancy reading that xx

cant do fancy links but its carred "just wondering...how many were pg alone?"

called even!!

Thanks everyone for the messages, I suppose some contact is better than none at all at this stage and i should be glad that my ex is wanting to be involved at all. I just hate the idea of my son growing up and thinking that his dad is ashamed of him, I'm sure he'll wonder about the other side of his family and why he never sees them. maybe by then we will have sorted something out, i think i need to have a proper conversation with my ex about this and explain why i tjhink it's so important that he tells his family and friends. i just can't see how he can be a proper dad if noone knows. nightowl, just going to have a look at the pg alone thing.

beansmum - my dd is 12 months now and has only seen her dad for 30 seconds (I'm not joking) in the last 6 months and IMO she's better off for it. Not blowing my own trumpet but I've come to realised that I can do a good enough job by myself, and she'll be fine without a dad.

beansmum, your ds is still really small so maybe you don't need to worry too much about his male role modelling now. In the beginning, I was very disappointed by exp's behaviour and very worried about how ds would develop, as I grew up in a two parent home. However, this has become less and less of a concern for me. Ds has plenty of good male role models (I mean honest, decent, kind, paternal, hard-working, not just being male), eg my dad, other daddies from nursery, my male friends, my male colleagues from work, men we see all over the place in daily life. He is now 4 and when asked to make a fathers day card he happily makes it for me, when asked to draw a picture of his family he draws me filling up the whole page. His attitude towards his stable longterm one parent family is much cooler than 2 classmates the same age, whose parents have broken up recently, who miss their daddies a lot and have had behavioural issues following the breakups. I think that you should expect his father to make some sort of financial contribution, unless you are really very rich yourself, and if he is prepared to have contact in a mature way that recognizes it is for the child's benefit, and not about the two of you parents quarrelling, then it would be something that I would feel a duty to encourage as a mother (although my exp (and his horrible family) is so feckless that it is easy for me to say because I know he will never be interested, never get in touch, and never interfere in any of the choices I make for ds; but I finally went through csa and now have some extra money, so I can tell ds when he grows up that I did not fail to claim his statutory rights, although I could not enforce his moral rights). Now he is older, we can discuss in a matter of fact way how strange it is that his father does not want contact with him, and we say that we feel sorry for his father because it is lovely to be a parent, and he knows that his father is not in our family. Ds plays that his teddies are his babies and he is a good daddy, taking care of them, and he also says that if I meet a boyfriend who is really nice, then he can become his daddy, but if I have a boyfriend who is rubbish, then we will not have him in our family. Small children are very sensitive and have a lot of intuition. If you are happy and fulfilled, or working towards becoming happy and fulfilled, I believe that your child will grow up happy and fulfilled, whatever the family structure. When your baby is only 6 weeks old, you are still in the postnatal period, so don't let anyone bully you at this time. Has he brought any gifts for the baby? When he visits, does he do any jobs/ errands to help you, eg bring some nappies with him? Some nonresident dads have lovely relationships with their children and wouldn't you want that for your ds? But on the other hand, if he is just popping in whenever he is at a loose end for a couple of hours all top secret from his family, why should you be providing a free show at a time when you will be feeling tired and in need of help?

i actually don't know why my ex is bothering to see us at all. he comes round once a week for about an hour and just sits there doing nothing. he doesnt hold the baby or talk to him, he's refused to change his nappy and he leaves as soon as the baby wakes up and cries. its really strange, it takes him about 40mins to get out to my place and back and i cant see what hes getting out of it. I'm away this week but when i get back i'm definitely going to sit down and try to have a proper conversation about what we both want. don't know how far we'll get but i have to try. i'm not worried about ds not having a father figure, I've got some quite good male friends who have already been really supportive, i know they will be there if i need them. also my dad has been down every weekend and is so excited about his grandson. I'll be the best mum ever anyway, so bean wont even notice that he doesn't have a dad around!

Beansmum, it sounds like your DS's dad doesn't really know what he wants. Perhaps he needs to be told!

Hope it works out for you.

beansmum

Your last post is fantastic. Your boy is very lucky to have a strong, caring mummy like you.

Best of luck to you

congrats on new baby son beansmum.

hope that you're recovering nicely and enjoying your beautiful baby boy x Have been in your situation and it is very very hard. I am going to think really hard about your question and give you a few suggestions tomorrow.

i dont think they NEED a dad but its nice for them to have one. i would certainly prefer that but circumstances wont allow. i think i would only tell the father to get lost if he kept letting the child down and upsetting them, or of course if he was violent.

i suppose that at the moment the baby doesn't notice if his dad visits or not so i should just let him come whenever he can and not worry too much about whats going to happen in the future. maybe when bean gets older and is a bit more responsive his dad might actually want to talk to him and play with him a bit instead of just sitting there.

In your position I wouldn't want him involved but it's not about what's best for the parents but about what is right for the child. IMHO if a parent is willing to get involved in a child's life and is not abusive then that child has a right to have both parents. I do understand though how any mother might wish for a clean break from an ex.

I agree that a child has a right to both parents except in exceptional circumstances, but a child also has a right to be protected from sustained attacks on his/ her self esteem, self confidence and sense of self worth. A right which a child is powerless to exercise isn't much use to him or her; and being constantly let down and treated as an afterthought is not a particularly valuable right, in my view.

feel i should post on this beansmum but am struggling to find the right words iyswim.

ds has never met his father-he didn't want to know. ds is now 3 1/2 and we have never heard from him.

on one hand it is perfectly possible to bring up a child successfully with no father. ds is a happy well adjusted sensitive little lad. he has never mentioned not having a father. i asked him if he minded not having a dad and he said no cos he had other people who did a dad's job ie grandad, uncles etc. quite profound for a 3 yr old!!

they talk about familys at pre-school, different sorts etc and he loves knowing who is in his family, he knows he is loved loads-i think he feels very secure in that.

he has a consistant stable life- i know mums with kids who's fathers are in and out htier lives and have seen kids v upset by this-it's times like this that i'm glad ds's father buggered off altogether.

i can't understand the mindset of someone who doesn't want to know their child (or grandchild-his parents knew i was pregnant).

i don't know how ds will feel in the future, i do worry about it. i think maybe i should try to contact his father- i worry that he might htink he can't get in contact cos i wouldn't like it.

i don't know-tbh i would let your ds's dad see him at the moment-at least he is showing an interest-then when your ds is 5-6 mnhs or so ask his father to make a descision-to see him regularly or not at all maybe.

however things turn out your ds will be just fine knowing he has a mum who loves hima nd will always be there.

please excuse any typos, dodgy grammar or any uter b*locks i've written- if i read thai back i won't post it!!!

xxx

feel really selfish and horrible now, i've been thinking too much about what i want and not about whats best for bean. at least his dad is showing ab interest and i shouldn't even be thinking of telling him not to be involved even though thats what i want. he just annoys me so much and i cant believe we were ever together!

going to leave the situation as it is for the moment and sort out something definite in a few months.

i still feel that if he's not going to tell his family he has no right to see my son, i'm sure he'll just end up letting him down but maybe i'm being unfair?

this is completely unrelated but ds slept nearly 6hrs in a row last night, can't believe it!

feel really selfish and horrible now, i've been thinking too much about what i want and not about whats best for bean. at least his dad is showing ab interest and i shouldn't even be thinking of telling him not to be involved even though thats what i want. he just annoys me so much and i cant believe we were ever together!

going to leave the situation as it is for the moment and sort out something definite in a few months.

i still feel that if he's not going to tell his family he has no right to see my son, i'm sure he'll just end up letting him down but maybe i'm being unfair?

this is completely unrelated but ds slept nearly 6hrs in a row last night, can't believe it!

how did that happen? wasn't paying attention when i clicked post message! whoops!