I desperately need advice, my 17 year old son is losing everything

[Valerie55]

Hi, this is my first time posting here and I have nowhere else to go, I am in real trouble and I don't know what to do.

My youngest son is 17 and he has caused so much trouble for the last year or so in particular (but really, since he was 13) that it has left my family, myself, my 19 year old and the 17 year old homeless if I do not kick my 17 year old out. We will be evicted 100% solely due to his behaviour.

For the last year I have sorted him a bricklaying apprenticeship which ended up costing just over £500 as he messed his CSCS test up TWICE. I forgave him that and tried to help him find something else, I got him interviews (my efforts) and I even travelled to London with him when I was ill to one of his interviews. He didn't bother to follow up with any of them. Then he started smoking weed and drinking and hanging out with the worse kinds of people ever. My neighbours complained, FIFTEEN times in the space of two months. We were warned and because my youngest would not take it seriously, I sent him to live with his dad.

He was there for a month, he was kicked out, he went to my sisters, he was there for a month, he was kicked out. I forgot to mention that I spend lots of money on his bedroom and I made it look amazing, he totally destroyed it. He didn't clean up anything after himself, he was shower and leave water everywhere, his clothes, his washing up, wouldn't work, wouldn't go to college, had friends over destroying our home etc. etc. Well, my sister ended up sending him packing too after a month. During this time one of his uncles on his dad's side took him under his wing, he got him loads of new clothes, a new phone, gave him a job at his estate agents and for a while, things seemed to be going well. I thought he was on the right track, he came back home, my other son and myself gave him another chance. Within a few weeks he was back doing what he did before and this time the landlords gave us a final warning. ONE more thing and we will be evicted.

My neighbours can't bear the sight of my son now, he cannot be at the flat any more. I arranged for him to go to his grandads, his grandad said he was willing to take him on. He has a beautiful house, even has a swimming pool!!!! But my son was there for a day and then left, he went to the police station and said that I had kicked him out. I have now received a letter from the council.

My son is staying in the flat above the estate agents where he works with his uncle. Although, I spoke to him earlier and he said he doesn't want to work there anymore, nor with his grandad (yes he offered him a job too) and he doesn't want to live with either of them.

He said he doesn't care about anyone, he only just cares about me a little bit. I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him, to get through to him, but he doesn't seem to understand. If I allow him back to the flat, all three of us will become homeless. My 19 year old has failed his first year of uni because of the stress his brother has caused. He has been the best son a mother could ask for, he goes above and beyond for me and anyone out there that is a single parent will know, that is really appreciated! How can I make my 19 year old suffer more? Because of what his brother has done, and this is all 100% on his brother.

But, where will my 17 year old go? I tell my sons I love them, because I do, this is killing me, quite literally killing me, I am really not very well, I don't eat, I don't sleep well and I have just started working as a care assistant, so I am really being put to the test here. I have to do my job well, yet I am still trying to save my son, and failing it seems, but I am just broken! I mean, totally broken. I cannot help my son, I'm intelligent, I have tried every angle, I have also experienced a lot in life so I can come at it from more 'unusual' angles, NOTHING works!!!!!!! Absolutely NOTHING!

This boy will listen to NO reason, he makes no sense, he is damaging himself and those around him and I don't know why?

But if I help him, if I CHOOSE my 17 year old over my 19 year old, if I do that, my eldest will never forgive me. How can I defend the one that has caused all this grief and misery and believe me, my son truly has, he has done some real damage. I still love him dearly of course, but I also love my other son just as dearly. Do I punish the one that has tried so very hard and risk EVERYTHING on the one hell bent on destroying everything?!?!?!

I think the last 18 months of my life would resemble hell. No mother should be in this position. I can't see a way out of any of this, I have thought about suicide, it has actually become an option.

I don't know what to do. I cannot afford to lose the flat, we would be homeless, my eldest sons degree would be ruined, I'd lose my job, or do I turn my back on my youngest son.

There is no help, I've been asking for years now, they say in this letter they want to help, only, it is too late now. This 'problem' affected my neighbours, they won't have him here now. It's too late for mediation.

Everything's a mess, my whole life is a mess.

didn't want to read and run.

There seems to be no reason for him to stop living in the flat he is in now, except him not wanting to. Not his choice though, if he is wrecking your home. I think you have to prioritise your older son right now.

If he is in or near London I recommend the Spear programme - give them a call tomorrow. They work with people just like your son

I don't think you should let him back. It's not fair to you or to your other son. It sounds like you have done everything possible to help him. Lots of people have helped him and he has thrown it back in their faces. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him.

Hopefully someone with more useful advice will be along soon. You sound like a wonderful mum, and I'm so sorry that your family is suffering like this

Abolutely prioritise your older son . You have given your younger son many chances deep down you know letting him back in will only end in disaster for everyone why play it out?

You have to love your younger son enough to let him suffer the consequences of what he is doing. By constantly saving him you are unwittingly supporting this lifestyle because he always has you saving the day.

You want there to be an angle you haven't thought of, and for him to suddenly become fine. It's not going to happen. Not at the moment. And continuing like this will make you really ill as well as harm your other child. So have the strength to stop this cycle. Give him some pointers, give him a little bit of money for accommodation for a week or so and close the door.

You're killing everyone with kindness. X

It sounds like your DS has made some terrible life choices.

He has also been supported a huge amount by you and your extended family.

This is perhaps part of the problem. However many times he has behaved badly, he's been offered another and another chance. Jobs, housing etc there have been no consequences to his behaviour apart from on people other than himself - predominantly on you and his brother.

I think you have to cut him loose, not just for the sake of his brother but for himself.

He needs to learn pronto than people will not continually pick up the pieces. The value of the opportunities he's been given he has squandered - because he doesn't recognise just how lucky he has been to get that level of support.

I strongly suspect the weed is a significant contributor to his attitude. The disconnection you describe and apathy are very common traits of heavy users.

A pp mentioned a support organisation, start there. Maybe look at some drug support programs.

However I think you need to be clear that the fact he seems hell bent on self destruction does not mean he can pull everyone else in the family down with him.

And remember, you're not "kicking him out" you're just "not supporting his current lifestyle" - don't allow him to turn this back on you. He's used to playing his sympathy card. Tell him you wouldn't dream of "trapping" him any longer and you have every faith that he will step up to the plate and cope really well.

You poor thing , I can't imagine how hard that is. My DD has been rather urm spirited over the years and I too have had neighbour complaints when she's screaming and smashing her room to bits. However my neighbours are lovely and understanding I've been to chat to them to explain the difficulties and did say I'd be absolutely fine if they reported noise disturbance to police, in the hope it may shock her. They never did but they were very understanding and I feel awful for the noise they have tolerated. Thankfully DD has settled down and these incidents are very rare now. I think in your situation as hard as it is you probably need to tell him he can't come home and explain why. It's not like he's short on support and has somewhere to be. I would just make arrangements to still be active in his life , maybe go to his flat a night or 2 a week have dinner with him etc. He is in self destruct mode and it's not fair that he destructs your life and your other DS's. It would make finding another property really really hard and may not be entitled to housing support due to being evicted they may say you made yourself "intentionally homeless" (rubbish but probably true.

This may or may not have been great advice but when DD was struggling her CAMHs doctor said "some people need to hit rock bottom before they can move forward , your help and support is enabling her and she will never see the need to change till you stop". I felt like shit after hearing this but did reflect and detatched from helping her fix everything and it did make a difference!

I'd also echo what @CauliflowerSqueeze said.

I think you need to reframe your mindset here - though I appreciate that's a difficult thing to do.

You are not choosing one son over another.

You younger son has chosen, repeatedly to behave in such a way that he clearly does not value the family unit that consists of himself, you and his brother.

He has chosen to disconnect from that unit in every possible respect - empathy, support, consideration and compassion - other than it providing a place (not a home) from which he can assert his independence by acting as he pleases.

What you are doing is giving him the gift of true independence - not just the semblance of it - so he can appreciate the value of of the family life he has so assiduously sought to undermine and destroy.

If you do not give him this freedom there is the very real possibility there will not be a family unit for him to re-connect with in the future (should his behaviour improve) because it will be irretrievably broken as your elder son, rightly concludes that his life and opportunities are repeated being sacrificed in support of the one member of the family who clearly has no regard for anyone but himself.

I don't think you have a choice OP, you can't risk him making you all homeless. I would try not to debate the rest too much because the eviction element trumps all other considerations really doesn't it?

I actually think it might be a good thing for him to not have everyone trying to help him, he needs to come to his own realisations about what he needs to do in life to get by and not alienate the people he cares about. It's a moot point though, you can't risk the roof over you and your elder DS's head because DS17 can't abide by the law/social norms enough to not upset the neighbours.

There are times, as hard as it is, to let the train wreck happen. You have to tell him he cant come home. There isnt a 3rd way. Really sorry OP, Im sure its heartbreaking, but you have to look after yourself and your other son. You cant help anyone if youre homeless too.

Hes got time to turn his life around, but you doing it for him isnt going to work. He has to.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your advice and support, I really do appreciate it.

I am going to have to do the least damaging thing. It's just one of those situations where it feels a bit like lose/lose. My son has done this to himself though, I have no idea why he would do this, I mean it really makes no sense.

I'm going to take this day by day, that's all I can do really. My son won't be allowed back home, I can't allow my other son to pay for his brother's mistakes. I hope my youngest comes to his senses before he does any more damage.

I sometimes think these teenagers should come with a hazardous to health warning, I'd have toddlers over teenagers any day of the week haha!

Hopefully I will make it through this in one piece. Thank you all again for taking the time to reply, your words have actually, genuinely helped me as I don't really have anyone else I can talk to on this.

Take care OP, & be kind to yourself. Teenagers can be dreadful sometimes, & as a PP said, weed can cause terrible attitude problems. People who say it's harmless are lucky enough to not be affected like that.
It's a bloody awful drug for some people.

Keep posing on mumsnet. There will always be someone here to chat.

OP keep posting if it helps.

You are doing the right thing even if it hurts.

Teenagers can be dreadful sometimes, & as a PP said, weed can cause terrible attitude problems. People who say it's harmless are lucky enough to not be affected like that.
It's a bloody awful drug for some people

Smoked it myself when I was a young 'un, but lived independently too.

A friend of mine has a similar problem with her son and marijuana. She deserves a medal as mother of the decade, having joined Al Anon and umpteen other organisations just trying to find a solution to save her son who seems set on self destruct.

One thing that might be relevant though is that her son was sexually abused as a child. They got him therapy at the time, but I think they may have overestimated the benefits of therapy.