Posting for support mummies

[bettyetty]

My DC is under a court order due to DV towards me , in the order it states that I give permission for one 14 night holiday with full disclosure of details of accommodation and flights and have DC contact 4 x over a 7 day period.

During the 6 weeks he has asked permission to book a holiday as he will give me full details.

Now he only given me flight details.

I suffer ptsd with agoraphobia due to his behaviour .

I feel like my DC is a bargaining chip :(
If he doesn't give me details I'm within my right to stop him picking him up.
But the DC misses out on a lovely holiday.

He has never hurt DC so I'm not worried, he has strong ties to come back I.e work his new GF is going with her DC they need to come back , this will be the 5th time he's done it but I had a new ruling last year to stop him potentially doing it again.
He isn't the father of the year, he uses DC as a control weapon but would never physically hurt him, emotionally well that's another story.

I honestly can't stop my DC going. DC is so excited. His dad obviously told him. He knows the truth, DC is double digits so understands, but by stopping him i feel it's me that's using DC.

Please I know it's a public forum and people are entitled to opinions but I do suffer PTSD I am hard enough on myself that I'm not good enough.
He abused me for years.
I've just started going out after he stalked me for years so I locked myself away.
( DC knew and he never missed a days school or appt with planning in advance )
I don't know why I'm posting I just feel it's all my fault he's nasty I know logically it isn't but I'm only asking to know where my baby will be.
I've just finished over the phone CBT.
Why do men do it.
He's already destroyed my life why not just let me go and stop using DC to hurt me ( he can't get directly to me now as house marked to police and it's in order he's allowed no where near )
Wwyd,
Sorry to ramble but it's such a lonely place to be, I affectively letting him break the order but the judge doesn't get to look in my DC eyes if I had to tell him can't go and I don't want DC to resent me.

I can't stop contact it's not fair on DC , just as stopping DC from going on holiday I feel the guilt, ex then just blames it on me to DC I'm the bad one.

I have a kick ass solicitor but even she can't drag it out of him.
No point going to court as he just uses orders as toilet paper. It's already in order he has to tell me!

Not sure if this should be in legal or here.
Just after some support or nice words I don't here them often

Hi new here and live in another country so no legal knowledge I am afraid. I get the guilt and scared bit I also have lived DV and my dd also sees and adores her dad.

What frightens you about him not giving you all the information? Maybe write it down for yourself if it is something deep then maybe like you are scared your dc will live or witness DV? If you are and being able to be in touch and in a little more "in control" of the situation eases you then remember that and ease the guilt on yourself if you have to say no.
You are not using your child as chip he is. You have to protect them, you know how tough it is.
Sorry it is a bit late and I am far from an expert, but don't let him shake you. If it's ok that your child go then they can go, if not you are not a bad mother you are a protective one.
By the way reading your post helped me realize though you also sound like a good mum it is hard to forgive oneself for living in DV and giving them such bad fathers. Don't fall into his game of lessening you.
Big hug 🌺