Should I meet xh's gf before ds does?

[lexiwest]

I may be too late as ds is with xh this weekend and could be meeting her this very moment. If ds hasn't met her is it reasonable to want to meet xh'x gf before ds does? I might like her then it may make everyones lives more settled. I wouldn't be just a story that xh has told her about, she wouldn't be this stranger in my sons life that I have no idea etc or it could go the otherway then what would I do?! Ds is 4 1/2 and from another thread I started people are telling me he will be resiliant meeting gf. In obvious need for advice!!

yes i would want to meet her before.

How do I go about trying to meet her? Should I ask xh to get her to come to service station on sunday when I pick up ds? I have not a clue where she lives and xh lives 2 hrs away so proximity is difficult. Xh is very controlling and may be awkward to arrange with.

Ask if she can come to the service station when ds is picked up and you could maybe have a coffee with her?

Great idea. I wish dsd's mum had done this, I would have been more than happy to meet with her. A coffee at the service station sounds like the best way to start off. Hope he's receptive to the idea.

dont know what the fuss is about. my ex has been thru a shit load of blokes since we split and kids met them all. i only ever met one of them after a year or so - he seemed normal enough...then she dumped him of course

no I don't think it's reasonable, it's up to him to introduce gf

I wouldn't expoect tpo meet her at all or any other of his friends or relations once we split

I would want to, yes. I wouldn't want my ds to meet her until I had some idea of what she was like. Also if you break the ice and establish a fairly amicable relationship beforehand, she is less likely to feel overwhelmed/apprehensive about being the other woman in your ds's life, which can only make things easier for everyone. Also if your ds knows that you are all on speaking terms, he will a) not feel that awful 'divided loyalties' feeling about being friendly with her, and b) not be tempted to do the 'playing one off against the other' thing.

but would you expect exh to meet your new bf before your ds did? and what if he said no he didn't approve?

what are you going to do if you hate her on sight? say no to ds meeting her?

I think it is a minefield best left alone and meet her later on when anbd if it seems a good idea

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am new to mums net and already have had such great advice from people who have been through the same! I am still not quite sure which way to go with this problem for the best.

My situation is the same as JustUsTwo's ... ex left us for her and introduced ds within a week of leaving us
I wanted to meet her at beginning for ds's sake, so he could grow up without the divided loyalties bit and I hoped to be able to set him the example that whatever ex had done to me and our family that I would try and be amicable and "friendly". However, ex couldnt deal with that (probably because he has told her a pack of lies about me and why we split and was scared I'd spill the beans).
Now it doesn't wory me so much, I can see ds is happy being around her and as much as that can niggle sometimes overall I'm pleased as I wouldn't want him to be there and resenting her. Also, I think some of it was I wanted to see what he' left us for whereas now I can see that it wouldn't have done any good meeting her at the beginning - ex wouldn't have taken the slightest bit of notice if I had concerns and the chances are I wouldn't have liked her anyway (purely for the fact she quite clearly went after ex knowing he had a baby at home but thats a whole 'nother thread!)
I totally belive what goes around comes around and have no doubts that one day it will all come back and bit ex on the bum

sorry about the spelling in my last post - my keyboard is full of crumbs and the keys keep getting stuck