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Original poster

Will my partner get custody as he's the SAHP?

16 replies

zigzagger · 10/07/2017 15:24

I'm in a not very nice relationship and have two young children (one school age, one not). When I went back to work after maternity leave after my second child, my partner left work and is a full time Dad. If we split I would want the kids to live with me and visit their Dad every other weekend and a couple of nights per week - is that realistic? I don't think I can end the relationship if I'd lose much more time with the kids than that. If I wasn't supporting him, he would have to work, so wouldn't be able to be a SAHP. What would a court decide, if it went that far? Does anyone know? There is no physical abuse and he's an OK Dad.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 10/07/2017 15:29

is that realistic?

Not at all. He is their main caregiver. It's more likely that you will end up with closer to EOW and a couple of nights per week visits.

if I wasn't supporting him, he would have to work, so wouldn't be able to be a SAHP.

If they are under 5 (or maybe 3?) he would eligible for income support and possibly housing benefit if he rents. Even if he wasn't, plenty of single parents with full time care of their DC work either part or full time. Working doesn't mean he should lose his children! He has enabled you to work and build your career by sacrificing his.

MeanAger · 10/07/2017 15:29

The best you could hope for in court is 50/50 care.

Asparaguswee · 10/07/2017 15:31

If he gave up paid employment to became a sahp then he would also be entitled to claim spousal support from you too, assuming you are married that is. But no, what you are hoping for will not happen if he is the main caregiver.

demirose87 · 10/07/2017 15:38

I don't think it matters that he is the SAHP, you're still a parent and you support them by working. I think you would most likely get 50/50 as he has lived with the children too. I think in most cases where the dad sees the kids on say, 2 nights a week only is normally dads who haven't been as involved and have fought to see their kids. Have you spoke about this with him? What does he want to do? It might be worth sorting it out between yourselves before it went to court as could be very costly and stressful x

Original poster
zigzagger · 10/07/2017 15:41

We are not married. Is 'caregiver' defined merely by time if you get to a court situation?

I am the one who does most of the washing, most of the cleaning, most of the cooking, organises life, buys the kids birthday presents, gives medication, arranges when they need to go to the dentist, takes them to parties, does crafts with them, reads school books etc etc. He is at home with them more in a strictly time sense, but I spend more quality time with them. I don't know how I would/could prove this, he is a master at argument and I am very averse to confrontation.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 10/07/2017 15:44

Oh well he might as well not be there as he does barely a thing with them. Hmm he probably doesn't even know their names does he?

demirose87 · 10/07/2017 16:03

One parent usually spends more time with the kids, unless you both work exact same hours. It doesn't mean the other is any less a parent. As an example, a child who spends most of the week in childcare while parent works, the parent is still the main caregiver. I'm not an expert but I think in this case, you would get 50/50. Every other weekend is unrealistic, but I don't think he'd get more custody just because he's at home with them all day.

NaiceToMeetYou · 10/07/2017 16:05

What would your childcare plans be if you split?

OuchBollocks · 10/07/2017 16:09

Would he actually want to be primary residence if you weren't around to do the shit work?

Asparaguswee · 10/07/2017 16:09

It doesn't matter in law if you take them to parties or do the laundry. How would you be able to care for them if you work full time? You would have to pay for childcare which is pointless when their father is at home?! I think you have to go into this expecting 50/50 and consider anything else a bonus. He's given up work to become a sahp, you want out of the relationship now, you only want him to see them every other weekend and 2 days per week, where is he going to do this?! He doesn't work, he needs a home of his own for overnight contact, somewhere suitable for the children to sleep. You shouldn't stay in the relationship if you're not happy but you're currently not acting fairly or in the best interests of the children.

Onedayoneday · 10/07/2017 16:14

The point is would he want to be the resident parent if you split? I worked full time and exh was stay at home parent but he left anyway and did not want the children. It did get to court and he asked for once a week contact, no overnights as he didn't have his own place, which I agreed.

I bought in childcare to allow me to keep working and in time had to reduce my hours as it was hard.

I would discuss with him about how it would work out between you and get legal advice too before you agree anything.

RhubardGin · 10/07/2017 16:16

If we split I would want the kids to live with me and visit their Dad every other weekend and a couple of nights per week - is that realistic?

No. Why is it that you seem to think you can call the shots when it comes to your children? Does your DP not have a say?

You both need to see a solicitor and draw up a childcare agreement you both agree on.

BoraThirch · 10/07/2017 16:20

Courts generally look at what is best for the children, and usually that is maintaining the status quo. Going from one parent being the main carer to suddenly seeing them only eow probably wouldn't be in the children's best interests.

He would likely be able to stay in the house with the children. Do you think he would want weekends? Could you suggest something like you having them Friday to Sunday night/Monday morning, and he has them Monday-Friday? Then it is essentially 50/50, you can still work and your youngest won't need to be in child care.

Original poster
zigzagger · 11/07/2017 10:34

Thank you for your thoughts everyone

OP posts:
Daddy89997 · 17/07/2017 17:58

He's stay at home dad and you think he should only see his kids EOW? Is he ok with that? Would it be fair to him?

rollonthesummer · 17/07/2017 18:03

No, I think that he would get custody. Who owns the house you live in?

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