Over nights/ access/ babies - help please it's a minefield knowing what to do for the best

[coffeeandchocolate4]

I have a 9 month old baby, STBXH and I separated when the baby was 3 months. Since then I have moved to be nearer family and I have a new job starting in a few months. I've done all this whilst on mat leave and with full knowledge of my STBXH.
STBXH was initially supportive of my move (2.5 hour drive away) but isn't anymore. Lots of background but briefly when I don't agree to what he wants, he uses me moving away against me, threatens me with emergency court orders to make me move back, threatens me with social services and generally sends me horrid messages.

Access discussions between us fell apart and we have mediation coming up. I'm very nervous and would be grateful for mumsnetters to share their experiences of what's normal access for a 9 month old breast fed baby now and through to toddler hood. (I plan to breast feed until 12 months and this was a joint decision before the baby was born).

I know over nights will be on the horizon and I want STBXH and the baby to have a good relationship going forward. I'm not against over nights I just think the baby is too young at the moment. When is the normal age? My concern is the baby is too young to understand spending time in two different homes and being away from me for 24-48 hours. (STBXH has seen the baby every weekend both days since we separated, but not over night).

STBXH had said he wants over nights now, when I don't think the baby is quite ready (see below about night feeds), he wants 50/50 despite the distance between us, he wants to see the baby every weekend or during the week depending on his shifts (meaning I won't get any quality time when I'm back at work and week days will disrupt nursery, also due to start in a few months). I proposed EOW and over nights from 12 months but that did not go down well with STBXH and is what caused discussions to break down.

Please don't label me that I'm trying to be obstructive, I'm really just trying to do what's best for our baby and tbh I am concerned whether the baby will be ok as as the baby still wakes 2-3 times a night to feed and won't take a bottle.
Any experiences/comments would be helpful.
TIA

I don't think you're trying to be obstructive at all.

Not sure I've got any helpful advice for you, sorry. Really do feel for you.

I planned to BF dc3 till 12 months, but he won't stop.

17 months in now, and still feeds at night when teething or comfort needed.

Hopefully someone with good advice will come along soon.

Was split amicable? Keep a record of the horrible messages. He sounds awful threatening you. I had this, but my circumstances were different. He was abusive so I went all out to stop overnights and one on one contact.

Thank you for replying. I've got it in my head 12 months but he only feeds morning, evening and night I can see it going on for longer, which is fine too, I guess I'm just conscious of STBXH demanding over nights and I have to get the baby ready for that.

Yeah, I've kept a log and all the messages just in case.

The split wasn't amicable to start with (rug pulled out from underneath me 3 months post birth, OW, i was told it was all my fault etc) but im doing a lot better with it now and just wanting to get practical things sorted. Any animosity about it is largely from STBXH oddly.

You sound very child centric and pro a good relationship with Ex for your DC. I think this will stand you in good stead in mediation. I don't think anything you are suggesting is unreasonable.

I think you are being entirely reasonable. I didn't let my dd have overnights with her dad till she was 2. Thankfully he was fine with that.
Have you spoken to a solicitor? Legal advice would probably be v reassuring for you - at least you would know where you stand.

And can I just say that an arsehole your ex with for threatening you with SS. That's the last thing he should be doing to the mother of his child. What a twat.

Thanks for the replies. Yeah I sought advice and it was EOW and one week night but given the distance it'll be EOW.
STBXH wants the over nights during the week and not weekends (presumably to not disrupt his social life with his new gf) and proposed taking the baby out of nursery two days every week. (He chops and changes his stance a lot) I just dont see how that'll work long term with me working 9-5, his shifts changing every 6 months, 2.5 hr round trip to drop the baby off with him half way, on a selfish note I'd have no down time ever as I'd work all week and have the baby all weekend too. Also it wouldn't necessarily be STBXH looking after the baby, it'd be his family meaning the baby would stay over night at 3 possible houses, STBXH, his parents or his new gf's. I just think it's too much too young to travel 2.5 hours each way in a car every week, too inconsistent with STBXH shifts, different houses etc and effect the baby's routine etc. AIBU? I feel completely lost with it all!

He is not putting your child's best interest first, I wouldn't allow my child to sleep over for more then one night after the age of 2 with dgps. Your child needs stability and to be eased into the new routines when he is weaned and ready to, not when df says so. Him visiting is the best solution for baby atm and he needs to consider what is best for his child rather then try and force him before the time is right. You both need to work towards overnight stays and he needs to be prepared that your child will be wanting his mother and not be upset with this. But right now, your child is too young, 2.5 hours to too far away and this isn't on his terms, but your child's terms and needs. He needs to understand that 9 months is too young and that you are the one he needs right now in his development towards toddlerhood. And when overnights start, 1 night a week moving to eow after a couple of months is what I would recommend depending on how things go. Encourage the father to visit, but to ease off on the overnight visit talk until your child is older.

Thank you Shiftymake, knowing I'm
not being ridiculous /unreasonable really helps