Being beaten up by my 2yr old

[JustDontGetItAtAll]

Cannot take this anymore.

My 2.5yr old DD has severe anger issues. (Isn't looking like ASD/Aspergers at this stage, just a very angry child!)

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I say no or anything she dislikes in the slightest, she starts hitting me and I'm cowering as a reflex.

Before I get loads of thrown at me, I am disabled and therefore cannot jump up and remove her from the situation etc. I struggle to walk at all. She seems to take full advantage of this and is CONSTANTLY climbing allllll over me, kicking me, kneeing me, and this is not only infuriating but is agonising. I have amongst many other severe ailments, sore 'tenderpoints' all over my body. The best way to describe this, is like those aches & pains you get when you have Flu. Except for me it is 24/7. Add onto this a very very strong 2yr old that is frequently angry and kicking - I am yelping in pain.

I have cried all day today. I have nobody to help me. I cannot even THINK about contacting SS or Outreach as they have already told me that they would have to immediately inform my (abusive & violent) ex partner that I am struggling and have asked for help/guidance as his name is on the birth certificate. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. I can't go into detail as to why, so please don't press me for justification as to why I cannot allow that. I am legally prevented from discussing it.

All my DD does is that god awful monotone "whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine for 14 hours a day (because the poor child is bored whilst not at Nursery) and I have on several occasions banged my head very hard against a door frame in absolute frustration!!!!!! I cannot bear it anymore! I have started tapping her hand back whenever she hits me. Now I'm thinking that I have made a mistake in doing this, as maybe I'm sending the message that it's ok to lash out when angry?? I know I'm going to be called some kind of abuser for doing this but when you're being beaten up and are in more agony in EACH joint of your body than you ever were during any point of childbirth and the only way you know how to stop this from happening is to tap her hand sharply - you do it. I cannot describe the pain I have been in today. Not just physically but emotionally in terms of guilt. For being such a crap, cripple of a mother that can't even run around a field with her....

Nursery advised me to "take her to a different room, tell her what she's done wrong, and ignore her. Keep doing this until she get's the message. If it takes 30 tries then so be it." Yeah! Right. I cannot physically do this! I would collapse. So there you have it. I'm incapable of parenting...

I need to give her up for adoption don't I?? 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

OP this sounds so difficult, I'm so sorry to read that you're in such distress. I don't have kids so I haven't a clue what to say, except that a crap mother wouldn't be giving herself as much of a hard time as you're giving yourself! It sounds like you're doing the absolute best you can. But hopefully a much wiser person than me will be along soon to give you some actual help

Thanks Ziggy. Doesn't help that my Mum is zero support. Just calls me a 'disgrace' when I suggested that she would be better off with a new family that can better care for her. Got accused of 'not wanting her' and "a real mum wouldn't even consider doing that" but unfortunately I haven't a choice! I can't care for her like this. It's just an existence!!!

to you.

One thing that jumps out for me - 14 hours is a long, long day for a 2.5 yo. Does she still nap? My DD has a 12 hour day, 7am-7pm, and I am absolutely rigid with this because otherwise she's turns into a horrible fucking monster, even more so now she has dropped naps. May be worth shortening her awake hours to see if that makes a difference?

The tapping of her hand is probably not the right way to go as you don't want to teach her that violence is the answer (would you like her to do that to another child at school), but I think the nurseries advice to ignore it is also flawed - they are real emotions your DD is going through so they should be acknowledged. I have found been consistent with discipline/following through on 'threats' works. I have no other advice but just hand holding; I'm sure more posters will be along soon with words of wisdom x

Just I recently had SS involved with my children as my mental health plummeted. They never contacted my exH to discuss things as I too was worried about him finding out. I don't know if your ex is involved in your daughter's life, but don't assume SS will contact him.

Do you have fibromyalgia? Are there any support groups offered if so.

Do you have a health visitor? If so, please talk to them about how you're struggling.

don't smack her, it doesn't help. as much as you want to when they are laying into you really hard

try to give her choices, both of which fulfiul your desired outcome.

keep her well fed, well watered and well exercised if there is a safe space.

try to remove missiles from your home. (some objects hurt more than others. ) pack away any precious things that you do not want broken.

put locks on the knife drawer and cupboards in the kitchen

think what your really important rules are and tackle those first.

praise her for the things she does really well, and maybe she will repeat them. (worked with ds for saying thankyou, ) but this does not always work well with some autistic children.

bribery and corruption. make there be something in it for her.

look at what is causing her tantrums. what can you do to change it? what is she trying to communicate by her anger.

can you reduce sensory overload? (noise, talking, bright lights, uncomfortable clothing)

can you reduce the demands you make of her. (sometimes ds is just presented with food insted of being asked if he is hungry or what does he want)

rocking in one direction helps calm down, as does deep pressure. (carrying heavy things, joint massages, foot massages, weighted blankets. )

With my just turned 3 year old I really over the top praised her when she did good things. It actually worked wonders
Also maybe check her food my little girl loves friut and it makes her bounce around exactly the same as if I gave her a sweet.
Also she needs to burn off that energy that she would have at nursery of you can find a local park with a gate shut it and let her run around like a headless chicken for an hour and a half.
Last thing ask her about nursery there was a really annoying boy at my little girls One and she came home angry and violent for 2weeks I then pulled her out and put her in a different one she's been good since.

Good luck

Total sympathy OP. I have a 2 year old DD who has been extremely violent to me (and her older brother) for a while. Very physically taxing for me, I can't imagine what it would be like with health issues. We are finally coming out the other side now she is nearly 3 (but she still bites and kicks and scratches when she's not happy about something).

Smacking doesn't work, I tried it.

Suggest a very fixed routine, lots of outside time. Frisbee is great, honestly, I'd throw it and she'd bring it back.... Like a dog I know, but sometimes I just couldn't physically chase her. Also do you have friends with children similar age? My DD now will play with them happily in playground giving me a break... Takes time for her to feel settled around them though.

My DD only started taking notice of the naughty corner when her crèche put her in there repeatedly when she was pulling clumps of hair out of other children's heads. And they admitted that they shouted at her on that occasion, I don't blame them.

As they get older there is the powerful peer effect of realising how awful it is when other children don't want to play with you because you're being violent.

Hang in there. It does get better. I wouldn't have believed that a few months ago, but it does. She's still hard work but it's not as all consuming.

Really hang in there, I understand what you're going through xx

I agree with minimising the number of objects/toys lying around which can overwhelm and be used as weapons/missiles and take effort to tidy up.

Do you have space for a mini indoor trampoline (a kids one with a handrail)? I have found this excellent for letting my energetic and boistrous 2yo burn off energy while heavily pregnant and unable to do as much with her.

We also play games like sleeping bunnies, where she will lie down on the trampoline (or rug) and I will sit/lie on the sofa and sing the first part, then she jumps up for the hopping. Other action songs are dingle dangle scarecrow, head, shoulders, knees and toes, if you're happy and you know it. None work quite so well as sleeping bunnies though for its dual calming and energy burning effects! I have recently used it to calm down three over-excited/heading towards out of control play visits and all the children reacted the same. It is quite amazing how long one song can keep her occupied.

Another indoor success for us is a mini pop up tent. Because it's not always up it is seen as a treat and recently (at coming up 2.5) she has started to take herself away to it with some books and teddies. She has started doing the same with a nursing chair in her bedroom. Maybe a quiet den space could give your DD somewhere to retreat to and you some space/recovery time?

Do you have any outside space? A bucket of water with a few toys also provides good entertainment but otherwise, you could consider daytime baths (esp when it's hot) or even a kitchen sink with some toys to play washing up?

Can you drive? Finding local places of interest e.g. A parking place by an airport runway or a trainline/motorway where you can sit in the car and let them watch what's going on while you have a hot cup of tea/coffee from a flask in the front can be a sanity saver.

Any local children's centres or playgroups where staff might step in and help give you a rest if you explain some of your circumstances? Try different ones, not all are the same so don't be put off if you have one bad experience. My mum who had several of us under 3, inc 2 with disabilities sworn by volunteer led groups run by the likes of local churches or charities (Salvation Army, baptist churches etc) one of our local church groups, runs a free monthly soft play session at a local gym club with plenty of volunteers to help you supervise.

What help/support are you getting? Do you work? Or can you talk some time out when your DD is at nursery? Are you getting enough sleep? Could any relaxation treatments help you? Could you get support for you and your daughter from a charity like Homestart or Gingerbread?

Please take or ignore these suggestions as you see fit. Just things which have helped me survive a rough few months of boistrous toddler and painful pregnancy. Sending and and for you xx

Great suggestions there ^ connecting with community has certainly helped me a lot. Also because there's another grown-up to chat to. A problem shared etc

Meant to also say, I agree about locks on cupboards and stair gates to minimise the space and things she has access to. We have a range of locks - some with a magnetic key, some which you clip on from the outside and can move around, some which stick on and you push on to close. All work brilliantly. Stops me constantly having to say no or physically pull her away. In fact she's even stopped going near them since she knows she can't get in. We also have foam door stops (that clip around the top of the door) to stop banging and trapped fingers.

What is her sleep like? There is nothing so exhausting as not getting any respite. Our DD is pretty good at sleeping luckily. However we recently moved her to a toddler bed instead of a cot. I worried if it would work or lead to carnage but she has taken to it really well. No more lifting in and out of the cot for me, and in the mornings she can get herself up (in her childproofed room) and read or play with a couple of quiet toys. Surprisingly she often stays in her room but will then quietly come through to me and climb in for snuggles. I let her watch kids to on my iPhone while I doze next to her. I perhaps wouldn't advise this straight away but might be worth considering if you have been worried about the transition from a cot.

Instead of removing her out the room move her to the side of you and say no hitting. Your voice firm and clear. At that age no is only temporary so this will be done many times. Use the same clear language.
Lots of praise too.
Set up lots of small activities. Water play in a washing up bowl. Energy activities on a push along.
Give her choices.
Be consistent.
Give her jobs. Copying you dusting. This makes her feel grown up.

She sounds frustrated and/or tired, and like she's been given far too much power to hurt/upset you. That's uncomfortable for a toddler.

I second the 12 hour night thing, plus often still a nap at that age. Nursery is very tiring for most children. I doubt she is bored, at her age. Agree also to consider any sensory sensitivities. Are you consistent with her? Does she have a predictable routine? If not, both are very important. Also second lots of outdoor time.

Don't smack, send to her room, ignore, bribe or go OTT with praise. She's trying to tell you something when she is hitting, you need to get to the bottom of that. Nursery advice is awful.

Don't let her climb on you, ever, if it hurts. Not once. Tell her you won't let her and follow through. Remove yourself if she won't listen and calmly tell her why. With hitting, can you use your hands/arms to block any hits, hold her hands if she continues and again remove yourself if you can't manage to stop her. Tell her calmly and kindly you won't let her hit. Don't overreact but be calm and consistent. She's 2.5. Don't let her do it. She sounds uncomfortable with the power to hurt / upset you so much. Show her you are in charge, just not in the old fashioned authoritarian way. Be a kind and confident leader for her so she can relax. It sounds like she has seen that her behaviour is unsettling you and therefore it has become a testing area. She wants a different reaction from you.

Make sure the house is child proofed as already suggested, so if you need to move away from her while she hits you can do so safely. Gate any dangerous areas e.g. Kitchen, stairs etc.

Allow her to release her feelings if she tantrums, just not through violence. Empathise with her. Comfort her when it has passed.

Oh and

I needed to read sobs of these comments. My 2.5yo has been beating me and his baby brother up since he was born a few weeks ago. It's exhausting and upsetting, and I also flinch when he's near me

Some of^