How flexible are you with access arrangements

[Dandelion54321]

STBXH left me last April and we have agreed that he has DS5 for alternate weekends and visits him on a flexible day after school each week. Ex works shifts so I have to be flexible on the week day access. However now he is saying the contact weekends do not work for him either and is demanding that I be more flexible to swap weekends to meet his changing needs.

I don't want to be flexible as we tried this when we first split and it ended up with him swapping weekends every month and I would often go with 5 weeks without a break. I also feel that it isn't very stable for DS if he doesn't have a set schedule of when he gets to see his dad.

The reason ex wants me to be flexible is that he has a hobby that involves going to lots of events all over the country. He is finding he has to miss a lot of these due to having DS. (This was also a problem in the relationship when we were together as he was never around.) I have offered to completely swap all contact weekends going forward to fit in with his event schedule, but he has rejected this as he practices his hobby on his current free weekends and doesn't want to miss out on this either. I have also said I will have DS on his weekends whenever he needs me to, but he says he will miss him and doesn't want to lose out on having him just wants me to be more flexible with regular swapping.

I am very reluctant to agree because I feel like both me and DS need a schedule. I've offered to swap occasional weekends (up to 3 a year) but he is not happy with this either and caused a scene when returning DS about me trying to make his life difficult.

Am I being unreasonable? What is the norm re flexibility with access?

Yanbu. You'd never be able to plan anything with your son, which means you both miss out. Your ex sounds very selfish. He has his set weekends, if he chooses his hobby first then it's him missing out! At least you and your son will know where you stand each week

He is BU, not you. You've offered to swap to other set weekends, he's declined. You've offered to stick but change up to 3 a year, he's refused.
Does he really expect to just call and see dc that weekend instead? It's v selfish of him. As pp said you'd be unable to plan anything for you and your child as you wouldn't know if you're coming or going.

Yanbu. He is basically saying his hobby is more important than his son. Stick to the schedule and let him work it out.

Tell him it's about time he got his priorities right! And looks like he needs reminding what the priority should actually be.

I'd tell him he takes the three swaps or you get a formal agreement. That would be the only choice I'd be giving him now.

Could you work on say a three month schedule. So agree weekends now July, Aug, Sept. End Aug agree Oct, Nov, Dec. End Nov agree Jan, Feb March etc.

ExH and I have a polite formal method of contact that appears to be working for now. I email on the run up to each term end and just confirm my understanding of all dates for next term. He then sends me all the oh I can't do dates and we work through it.

Talk about wanting to have his cake and eat it. Access is ment to be about childs needs, flexibility to accomodate parents ones is great but his hobby would appear to be at the expense of your sons.

YANBU.

OH and his ex agree an annual schedule for the upcoming year, covering weekly contact and holidays, at the end of each preceding year. Once agreed, that's it, contact is set in stone unless there's an important event such as a Christening, wedding etc. that the children are invited too.

If OH later on can't do a particular evening or weekend, he loses the contact. I think he's missed 2 evenings so far this year, due to work. He hassn't missed any weekends as the schedule means he plans around the children.

Your ex needs to plan his hobby around the children or lose his contact periods.

Thank you for all your comments. Very helpful and reinforces my feelings on this.

My main worries about being that flexible with him is that he is a very forceful character and does completely take advantage of the situation if the lines are blurred. I also don't think swapping weekends is ideal as it means DS going without spending time with each of us for longer periods at a time and he is only 5. It also causes arguments when he swears he's told me about a swap that I know nothing about.

I will tell him it stays at it is but will swap up to 3x a year or if it is for something that benefits DS.

I do everything like this by email. If XH says any changes verbally, I confirm my understanding by email. Our relationship broke down I don't trust him or his word. Its sadly been beneficial many times to be able to say I'll just check the emails.

Your ex is definitely being unreasonable and very selfish!

My DD is 5 too, my ex and I both have one night overnight each weekend, generally she is with him on a Friday overnight and all day Saturday then back to me Saturday evening. We are both pretty flexible and change things where needed but this works for us and means she spends time with both of us each weekend.