Giving up baby for adoption

[user1488122513]

I have a beautiful nearly 9 month old baby, his dad was a short fling. The dad told me he didn't want anything to do with the baby but I continued the pregnancy as I couldn't face abortion. I do love my son and I want the best for him. Mostly I want him to have a proper family. I was considering adoption when he was a few days old but my dad told me he would never speak to me again if I did. I'm 21 and feel like I have no future. I want to get qualifications to go to uni but I can't get the childcare without a job and the jobs I have found are all uncosiable hours. I have support from my parents but not often. I have lost most of my friends and I feel completely alone. I know I've made my bed and I should have been more responsible.

Is there anyone with experience in the same situation of giving up for adoption, how they felt etc. Or anyone who kept their baby and where they are now?

Oh love, what a hard place you're in.

Is there no one who could support you? Any colleges that have Creches?

If childcare could be sorted for you to get a job or qualification would you still want to give your baby up?

You sound quite lonely and depressed, (I honestly don't mean that in a patronising way). Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you feel? I'm a few years older than you and now a single parent and honestly I have had times where I have felt like this. But do you honestly think you could do it? Never see him again? With most adoptions you might be able to write letters but i wouldn't think you would get proper contact. Do you go to any baby groups? I really think
making some new friends would help you feel less isolated. It does get better, I promise.

Some universities have childcare facilities on site. It does get easier as they get older I promise. I was 22 when I had my son, I felt for many years I had lost so much of my life. I'm 32 now and can see that while I took a different path being a single parent, the outcome is much better.

I was 17 when I had my first child and felt the same as you. It took a few years but i go to uni now while they are at daycare. I probably wouldn't of bothered with uni if it wasn't for my children and wanting the best life for them. You still can go to uni and make the life you want it just might take longer than if you didn't have your son.

I think you should keep your baby, not because of what your dad said (he sounds very immature) but because I think over time you will regret it. You are very young and have the rest of your life to go to uni/college, whatever. In any event lots of people going to uni do not get a good job after 3 years hard study and a £9000 debt. It used to be the case that uni guaranteed you a good job but not any more. You sound a bit isolated - can you go to a mother and baby/toddler group or ask your health visitor to put you in touch with other young single moms or groups.

I too had a baby when I was in my teens and it was tough going but I've been so glad I kept him - he's my everything.

Thank you for all your replies.
My parents don't live that close so it's a couple of hours to get to me and I can't expect them to look after him when they have to travel so far and have jobs etc. I stupidly moved to somewhere where it's nice but pretty secluded and you need car really to get about, which I can't afford. I have tried a baby group and the people were lovely but I was so much younger than all of them and I think they were all married or had partners and I just felt arkward and like I didn't fit in. I also have a hard time trusting people and I don't want to give away that I'm on my own because that would make me even more vulnerable. I am going to see if I can try another group. My health visitor is nice and I tried to talk about how I was feeling when my son was a few weeks old but I felt like she just ignored it and moved on to how he was sleeping etc but not about me. I find it hard that I really want to do a degree but I can see myself settling for a low wage job that I don't like but I have to because I don't have the support for my education. I really love my son and I have no idea how I would feel if he was gone. I'd hope there'd be a couple that can't have a child but have good jobs and will support each other to bring him up. I've always thought that if you really love someone then sometimes for the best you have to let them go.
But yes if I could get the support for my education then that would be everything. I'd then feel like I could support him and he could look up to me. I'd have to do an access course at a college which is quite far but manageable if I had the child care. But they don't have childcare on site and I'd have to take him to a nursery which would mean I wouldn't get to college on time. And then I'd still have to look after him on the days I wasn't in college and do my work which would just be impossible at his age. And I know it's so selfish of me but the friends I was close to are all going on backpacking adventures and festivals, something which I'm never going to be able to do.

Could you not move back to be nearer you family? Also I think young Mums in your situation usually get help with nursery/free childcare with a chidminder etc to get back into education. Would your parents consider having your son for a short time while you get sorted?

Sorry things are so hard at the moment.

If you move back will your family help? Will there be more job opportunities elsewhere?

Oh sweetheart, I was in the exact same position as you. Had my eldest at 20, her dad bolted and like you I needed to do an access course before my degree. No help from family whatsoever.
This was fourteen years ago so maybe things have changed but check what sort of financial help you'd be entitled to at uni. Back then they paid for two thirds of your childcare costs and they also had another grant that not a lot of people knew about, I found out about it at the student finance centre. I think it was called hardship fund maybe? But you didn't have to pay it back. This was on top of the usual student loans and grants. I know times have changed now though so probably not as generous but worth looking into.
I completed my access course and then did my degree over six years, it was much more manageable - that might not be for you, some might prefer to get it out of the way in three.
I put my dd in childcare near the uni and it wasn't long before she was three and attending nursery. Honestly, time will fly by when you're at uni and he's little. I remember before I started the access course thinking how overwhelming it was that I'd be studying for so long so it went so quickly.
It was bloody hard at times I won't deny. But it was worth it to have that piece of paper telling me I'd been awarded first class honours. I have my own successful business now that works around my children. I wish I'd known back then when I was struggling that it would all work out.
I guess the point I'm making, not very eloquently, is that it will be tough but you will get through it and it will be worth it. I have an incredible relationship with my dd, I feel that we have a strong bond as we faced those tough few years together and came out the other side and are now reaping the benefits of our sacrifices.

Also, I know it must be hard seeing your friends go to festivals and things but you are so young, when your ds is a teenager you'll only be 33, still young enough to go out and relive your youth :)

Sorry keep thinking of more to add. Look into childminders, their costs can be very reasonable.

Have you looked into funding help available whilst at University, as others said some Universitys have childcare on site and there was additional funding help for lone parents a few years ago.

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My niece was adopted as a baby. I can honestly say she is one of the happiest, most balanced young women imaginable. She hasn't suffered because of adoption, far from it. Her mother too was very young and wanted university and to defer family life until she was older.
Niece gets annual Christmas letters and a photo was sent each year to the birth mother. Niece transformed my sister in laws life as she'd tried for years to conceive without success. The birth mother met my SIL before placing her child for adoption and specifically chose SIL and BIL. I think they have now met as adults but as it was never a secret, it wasn't a big deal just curiosity.
It is an incredibly hard decision to give up your child but it's not necessarily the wrong decision.

You poor thing.

Firstly, well done for reaching out for support, it can be the toughest thing to do when you feel depressed and alone.

I can completely understand your feelings but I think you have options which don't mean you'd have to give the little one up.

1. You obviously love your son. You mention that you want him to look up to you, Thant you don't want to give him away, so Its clear that you care for him. Please, if you do nothing else, please speak to a doctor about how you are feeling before you make any decisions! I have a friend from school who fell pregnant at 19 and had PND. Her little one went up for adoption and she still regrets it to this day.

1. Have you explained the situation to your parents? Maybe if they understand more about how you're feeling they'd be more inclined to help out more?

1. There are a number of options through Open University which can help you build up your qualifications? A good few are free access courses too and they don't always have a time limit so if you take a little longer than usual it's not an issue.

1. The fact that you are wishing for a better life shows how good a mother you are. No one and I mean literally NO ONE is prepared for a baby. I'm in my (early) 30s at it has changed everything in my life!

1. After everything else, if you do feel like it would be best to give the little one up, then you need to do what's right for both of you but please please don't consider it a selfish move, it's quite the opposite.

I hope you get the help you need and the strength of self to get you through this.

There are various benefits and grants available to student parents and they include help with the cost of childcare. My local university has a nursery on site too. It might not be so impossible to go to university with a baby/young child

Hi OP, I read you post with great sadness. My mum had me when she was 17 but my parents stayed together and she had lots of family support. Now I'm 31 and a single mum to a toddler and it is hard. Adoption is certainly an option you can look into and many children grow up very happy with their adopted families.

Take some time to do lots of research

Have you looked into financial help as you may be entitled to help with childcare/living costs as well as tuition fees. Also part time courses and open university can be manageable.

I have no family support and started my degree at 23 with two under 5's whilst on benefits. My course was part time so took me a year longer than full time but it was just a day a week term time only with longer holidays at Christmas and in the summer so not actually that many days attending overall. I had to budget out of my benefits to cover sending the children to a child minder for the day until they were old enough for school then it was cheaper as I just paid for the out of hours club. But there can be grants available depending on the course. You could ring and ask your local uni who can advise or there's lots of info online. Work wise, it was hard to make sure I had the balance right and I would study at night after bedtime, during the day on my course in the breaks,during naps, school time and whilst I was taking the kids to their activities. But it was fine once I got a timetable in place and I'm quite bad at procrastinating so someone more organised would probably find it much easier than I did. There was a lot of writing an assignment in a whole weekend as I left it until the last minute. Halfway through I also started working as well and still managed it around working two jobs once they were older and in school. It was hard at times and there have been times I wanted to give up. Life gets in the way and it can be hard but keep going. I didn't know when I started that one of my children had a disability and the impact that had on us and at one point I had to take a year out as we were made homeless and it was very dragged out before we were rehoused and spent a long time living out of boxes but I made it and I am graduating next month. I found if it's something you really want and are passionate then you will find a way.

If you want to go down the adoption route and you feel it's right for you and for your child then it's worth considering but if you are just struggling to see how you can have the best of both then I hope my story can help as you can have both it just takes work and dedication. It may seem hard and not worth it at times but I promise you in the end it will be worth it and it feels amazing to know you have done it despite odds that may be against you.

Thanks for all your messages.

I've had a good read through and I'm going to have a think, go to the doctor and see how I feel. I do love my baby and I just want him to have a stable upbringing, I'm not sure I can give him that. I know that he'll never know his dad because he's completely not interested and has made that clear. I want him to have a family and if a couple who can't have children will love him as their own and make him feel secure then maybe that's what's best for both of us. My mum was telling me of families abusing the adopted children and the child feeling different and really unhappy, that is what scares me. I know my family would hate me for giving him up. Part of the problem Is where I live and I don't have the money to move. I'll look into finance options but what I've found is that you have to be attending a college and not anything private otherwise you don't get the bursarys. Once I can attend uni I know there's various funding and I'm not too worried about that but it's just getting the qualifications to get to uni.
I think pinapple is right that if you really want something there's usually a way round and maybe I just have to be patient.

What qualifications do you have now? When I was looking at university in almost exactly your situation (DS was born when I was 20) I went to my nearest college and asked about access courses and they surprised my by saying I should look into applying directly as a mature student, as the requirements are sometimes waived if they think you have the necessary skills to cope with the university course. If you've done any study at A Level level, it might not be necessary to complete the Access course first.

Then once you're in the system of university, many universities have specific housing reserved for students with children which you can get if you apply early enough. You'd get either housing benefit or a grant (I forget which and it may have changed) to cover the cost of this and there is usually childcare on site.

If you can't do this then as others have said the OU access course is doable from home.

Where do you live, op?