Crying after shouting at my DS :(

[Buttonmushoomex]

At the weekend my DS (12 yo) told me that school planned a bike ride for today to the swimming pool in the next town.

He doesn't have a bike as I can't really afford one, and I haven't really had much time to go and buy one and teach him to ride. I was always asking his father for help but it was ignored.

I told him to tell the teacher that he didn't have a bike but he was too embarrassed.

This morning came and he asked if he could call in sick. He was afraid the teacher would be angry. Turns out that a few weeks ago when the trip was being planned he did tell the teacher and his reply was that he should get a bike and learn to ride it.

I told him to just take his swimming stuff and go to see if there was another option to get there, or tell the teacher he couldn't go and that he should stay with another class for the day.

He burst into tears and we had a huge argument. Apparently it was all planned and he should've have a lunch packed and drinks, money etc. I didn't know any of this. Because he didn't say a thing last night.

It's always the same, each night I ask him if there's anything planned for the next few weeks, anything I need to take care of etc. He loses letters for school constantly and is totally disorganised. They plan training days etc and he tells me on the morning that there's no school and I have to stay home and tell work that morning.

So I lost my shit this morning. I can't take anymore time off work. I'm already covering all his hospital and physio appts with work. (He had a health problem for the last few years). And have worked around these with my FT job. Everything is so last minute with him and as a single ft working parent it's really stressful when this happens.

But mostly I felt guilty - I should've taken time and found the money to somehow buy a bike and teach him. But I'm angry also - why his father hasn't fucking done this (he gives me no child support just EOW visits) and does so very little in supporting him in real life. Why I have to shoulder every responsibility. For example he had appts to attend hospital during a holiday with his father, they weren't going away, but he just couldn't be bothered to take him. So he kicked off with me.

But this morning I took it all out on my son, ranting about how I do enough. God I'm ashamed and crying just thinking about my behaviour this morning. But it all just came to a head. (I didn't mention his father, just how I had to do everything, and that his lack of organisation was a huge problem. I sent him to school with just his normal bag and told him he needed to be mature and deal with the situation. Didn't even kiss him goodbye.

Now I'm late for work and sat in the garden in tears. I feel awful and I just want to run down to the school, take him in my arms and bring him home and hide from the world.

I think he doesn't like to bother me with these things as he knows life runs on a knife edge with work and home.

I'm so ashamed of myself, but also feel pathetically sorry for myself and him. I also feel furious that I have to deal with everything while my ex sits on his flabby arse working part time and playing Xbox games every weekend but is "dad of the year" while I run round like a stressed headless chicken and my son tries to deal with the fact that life isn't simple for him, and that the support for him only goes so far.

Sorry for the rambling post. Someone please hand me a grip and a tissue.

Oh I think you should have let him stay off to be honest.

Mistakes happen.

Yes exactly I'm thinking that now. That's why I feel terrible.

But I just can't take another day off.

And it's a lot of mistakes, every time there's a hike or a trip he never gives me letters or tells me in good time. I'm always here at bedtime trying to find suitable shoes, put together a packed lunch etc.

I get sad because I can organise everything in time if he communicates with me. But then he's the kid without the proper stuff for the day/trip etc. And it looks like he's the kid with the single mum who doesn't give a shit.

Maybe it would be worth phoning the school to explain what happened this morning. They will be able to help DS more if they know what's going on

Do you have to take a day off, if he's 12?

Aw poor you 💐 Mum guilt is the worst kind of guilt, but you will see your son later and you can say sorry for how you reacted this morning. I would speak to his school, maybe phone up if you can and explain communication between school and home is poor, your son always loses letters or forgets to tell you, and ask them to email copies of letters to you or post out or anything like that. I'm sure they could be accommodating. Then make a point of going out this weekend if you can and getting your son a bike and teaching him to ride it. If you can't afford a brand new one could you look for a good second hand one or buy one on a payment plan? Could you ask his father for support in doing this?

Don't beat yourself up too much about this hun as all mums lose their marbles sometimes and you can make it u to your son later. This may reinforce be point that he needs to tell you more what is going on. He is 12, and will mature soon. Hugs to you

marmite I would totally do that. But they don't have an office to call.

If your child doesn't come into school for sickness etc you have to inform another parent on a round robin system.

Once I had to get a message to my DS that my ex would pick him up after school. (He didn't reply in time for me to tell my son directly.) So I texted the teacher as class had started already and I didn't want to disturb him. Apparently the teacher went apeshit on him as you're not supposed to do that.

I don't live in the UK and that's the system here for communication in school. It's frustrating and ridiculous.

It's really a set up where mums are home all day around the school hours. Not great for single working parents at all.

You should absolutely call the school this morning and explain. They will be able to sensitively make arrangements for him. Thete may even be a kind teacher who is willing to help teach him to ride?

Sorry, cross post.

What country are you in OP?

Every day you get up and you do the best you can. That is enough, it is not perfect, because nothing is, but it is good enough. Please don't feel bad. Respect yourself and what you are doing.

Calyrical maybe not the full day, but I'd have to get organised and get him some lunch together etc. I work an hour away and already he's on his own from 4-6.30pm Monday, Tuesday, and Friday then from midday until 6.30pm on Wednesday and Thursday. And that's if I get home ok with traffic.

There was a bit of me this morning that thought "you know what, you're 12, you need to deal with it", as I used to in school. But now I just feel bloody awful.

Yes I will ask my friend to help me find a bike and teach him this summer. I've learned the hard way on empty promises from my ex just to go ahead anyway and do what needs to be done. I'm partially disabled after an accident to my arm so I can't ride myself anymore. But I can run after him I guess, until he gets confident.

Will have to be second hand as bikes are really expensive here.

I bought him a bike years ago when we were all together. But my ex took him out on a bolt on bike and was being really dangerous and they had an accident. Ex was fine but DS was hurt and shaken up and he was afraid for quite a while to go back on it.

Ex told me he was taking him out on it but he never was. He was a stay at home dad while I worked but he never used to do stuff like this, just lie about it. And my son would cover up for him sadly.

Thankfully it's the last week of school next week for us so we' ll muddle through somehow. And I'll get the bike sorted as soon as I can.

I have to pay for holiday clubs for a few weeks though and that's 400 a week.

It's never ending stress. I'm sick of feeling this way, then I m sick of feeling sorry and guilty for him and selfishly feeling sorry for myself.

I've paid out 20,000 in divorce legal fees, kept a roof over our heads, am owed 26,000 in maintenance and I'm just so fucking fed up!!!

It comes down to every penny but then I look shit because I can't buy the nice things for DS.

Aasarghhhh! Sorry I sound so self involved.

I'm in Switzerland Ginger

Thank you Rick most of the time things go fine. Today is just a massive pity party for one.

My ds was the same with notes organising stuff etc and he has a dad and mum in same house so l wouldnt feel guilty there . Its just personality. Im sure he will be fine. Sometimes its good to let off a bit of steam. Apologise when he gets home.
Is there any sites selling or giving away stuff like bikes. Or a friend who has one they never use who would loan it.
My ds who forgot notes etc hated riding bikes as he was a bit awkward so maybe your ds has been dodging bikes as my guy did.
Look youre doing your best. You obviously love your ds so let it go now.
As for a school with no way of contacting it thats shocking.

june that's exactly what my DB says - my DN never gave in notes etc and they'd find party invitations and all sorts weeks later.

It's frustrating because I am organised and capable when I know these things in advance.

Yep summer goal, find an affordable bike and get him on it! I might see if there are proficiency type courses here too, if he's lacking in confidence.

Trying to put everything to one side to get on with the day. And telling myself that he can't be the only one not going and that school should make concessions for this. Now I'm worried that maybe he didn't go to school and is hiding somewhere.

Yes it's a really shitty system. So different to UK.

Last year his teacher said if they don't get a message from another child and a kid doesn't turn up, they just assume he's sick until they do!!! WTAF!!!!

I know it's easier said than done, but please don't feel too much guilt over this.

You are only human and sometimes us humans can only take so much pressure before we lose it. Your son will probably be upset that you have snapped, but he'll be over it, more than likely before the days through.

My DM was a single parent with no help from my useless father, who would just turn up at the weekend to play the 'hero' role of doing fun things like cinema and such, all things my mum couldn't afford to do as he didn't pay any maintenance. I would often get the brunt of her breakdowns when she had had enough, and she'd yell at me about how she can't cope with all the pressure anymore, she would then feel awful afterwards and I knew she didn't mean to aim it at me, it's just I was the only one there to rant at when she couldn't take anymore.

By my mid teens I really began to appreciate how much she had done for me, rather than seeing what she hadn't done for me, because I realised she always did everything she could, so if she didn't it was simply because she couldn't and not because she didn't want to.

I have a very close relationship with my mum now I'm an adult, whereas I have no relationship at all with my dad because I saw how little he actually wanted to do for me.

Also I'm a single parent myself now, and I know where you're coming from, sometimes it's just too much to take on by yourself, feeling the guilt that you can't give everything you want to give your child due to finances and time. It's so hard, and if anything it's made me love my mum even more because I understand more how she felt.

Your son will probably see you as his hero in years to come, as you did everything you could for him all on your own.

Also, in regards to the bike, I know you probably can't do much about it today but for the future, have a look on things like eBay or Facebook selling pages, that's where I buy many of my son's toys as they're often as good as new and many people sell them for much less than the cost of brand new.

He's being spoiled. He deserved to be yelled at. He's twelve not six. He needs to take responsibility for getting what he needs sorted and discussing with you.
That said, have you checked this is a genuine trip with school and not a lot of kids bunking off to go to beach? I don't know any state school that would arrange a group of thirty cycling to a beach on a working day. I can't imagine many governors or county outdoor activities advisors signing off thevrisk assessments. Far too risky in the current litigious society we have. It's still mid GCSEs not the end of term even. Did school plan the nice weather too? I'd be wanting to see the letters and discussing arrangements with the school. I smell a few porkies. Speak to school and then descend on him like a ton of bricks if I'm right.

Sorry just seen you're not in UK so school won't be so risk averse. Yes buy him a cheap, secondhand bicycle. He shouldn't need teaching, just practice.

@Crumbs1 ... wow... that seems kinda mean spirited. The kid is likely to embarassed and upset, not to mention how his mum is feeling today. You just sound mean.

Summerisdone what a touching post. Glad you have a good relationship with your mum and appreciate all she did for you.

And yes Crumbs not risk adverse at all here. Children walk to school/kindy unaccompanied from the age of 3/4 here and there are many last minute activities out of the school grounds planned such as hiking in the mountains, week long camp in summer etc.

The society is very used to having one parent at home so they can plan to go on a hike and just write a note saying the kids will come home a few hours early on that day.

Great if you're home. Logistical nightmare if you're not.

And no he's not spoiled at all. He's been through hell and back with health issues (him and me), money issues when I lost my job through illness and his father walked out. He had to change schools and make new friends and learn a new language in the last 2 years. He is responsible for himself for a lot of the time after school, and now even goes alone to physio appointments when I can't make it in time to take him.

He went to a psychiatric group for kids with divorcing parents (not in his native language) because the recommendation of the school psychiatrist was that he'd had so many "life abortions" in a year it was having an effect on his mental health.

On the whole he's come through an immensely bad time and generally is an amazing kid.

The guilt I was feeling is also that he doesn't want to put pressure on me sometimes and then he doesn't tell me stuff. That's way too old a way to think for a 12 year old. I know he'll feel guilty about asking me for a bike and to teach him how to ride it. And it'll no doubt all come out in the wash tonight when we speak.