I know it's been done to death but...

[callmehannahbaker]

I see a lone parent as one who is alone. WITH NO FATHER AROUND!
It is awful and stupid of me I know, but, lone parenting isn't having the children 5 days out of 7 etc.
I have posted on here under many guises and asked for help/understanding tonne met with replies such as "when XDP has her", "on your weekends off"... I have none. It is just DD and I.

In no way do I mean I have it any harder, it's just I thought lone parents would mean lone parents.

Sorry. Massive glaring error...

OR NO MOTHER AROUND

Well, you do have it harder.

I am a co parent to my eldest 2DDs because their Dad is around and he's fantastic.

I am a lone parent to my youngest DD because her Dad is a deadbeat.

I've stressed this constantly even before ExH fucked off. Boils my piss.

I was a lone parent (in the way you describe) for 9 years. I wish I could have had every other weekend off!! However, I do feel that having kids on your own for 5 days out of 7 qualifies you! It's just as hard trying to have that routine and no help throughout the week!!

I'm not going to agree with you here OP. Sometimes people find themselves in a situation where they do get weekends off , only to pay for those by undoing the damage an abusive ex-partner has done for the rest of the week.

Also these abusive ex-partners often find ways around paying for their offspring which means the other parent has to provide everything for the kids.

Please don't try to compare as nobody is competing OP. It's lose/lose all round sometimes!

I don't think anyone is necessarily competing.

OP is addressing the assumption that all single parents have another parent in the picture somewhere.

They don't.

Possibly , Calyrical , I got the impression that it was stated that using the phrase 'lone parent' is wrong if you the absent parent spends any time with the kids.

I would admittedly say that's a single parent rather than lone but it's semantics really.

My ex used to have ds once a week and before that the whole weekend every other week, I was a lone parent because we did not communicate, he did not help with any decisions, he wasn't the person I could tell the good and bad things to. He now doesn't have ds at all, nothing and it's been that way for 2 years. My mother has ds every Friday night but she and I are nc other than a text or two about picking up ds. I have no one to consult on decisions relating to ds, no monetary input, no support outside of the Friday night, I do everything on my own with NO input from anyone else at all so I am a lone parent and so are many others out there. Ds is autistic, I'm very ill and I do a fucking awesome job considering and absolutely refuse to have someone decide that I am or am not something.

Is it a competition?
My ExDP has DS 3 out of 4 weekends a month and I work those weekends. Would rather have my son and not have to undo the fuckup to routine every Sunday night.

I'm not creating competition, I just see lone and alone. I feel for any parent in a shitty situation, I really do.
All I'm pointing out is that there should be somewhere on MN that distinguishes between single with ex and alone completely so posts can be answered more easily.

To me lone parent means alone, no other parent around. Single parent means not in a relationship but other person with PR is in the picture (to s greater or lesser extent).

I agree. I wish people would use the term co-parent when they have an ex who takes their child over-night etc.

Lone parent, to me , should be when their is only one parent looking after the child all the time.

When my ex and I split, I used to correct people who called me a lone parent and tell them I was a co-parent. When the use bastard co-parent fecked off and never returned, I still never called myself a lone parent because by that time I was with DP and he helps me out a great deal, so again, I'm not a lone parent.

there

There's a stark difference between me and my eldest two and me and my youngest. ExDP really is as involved as he can be and I feel 100% supported and not alone. ExH is a complete twat though - he was incredibly abusive and an alcoholic, he was insidious sly and gas lighted me constantly and I am so grateful he is not around.

I am on my own with my DS. not seen his dad since a toddler.

I never really understand the terms.
I think co parenting is when 2 parents are working together and lots of times this does not happen.

EOW when you pick up the pieces afterwards is tough.

This section of the forum is small enough and personally I welcome opinions of anyone who knows what it is like to struggle alone, whether another parent there in the background or not.

OP,
The world is not black and white.
I am a lone parent 99% of the time.
Then there is the times when I get EA emails from DCs dad, threats of going back to court even when ex is breaking court order as ex and reality don't mix, are still highly stressful, and ex blames DC rather than owning his own shit, so I'm stressed to the max and DC is very upset.
Then there are the times when we get totally jerked around by being told ex has to see DC this weekend (2days before), then cancels with less than 12hrs notice.
So I get my parents rightly expecting ex to step up and be a parent so they are there only for emergencies, when I ask them to look after DC it feels like they are vetting the reason for looking after DC with what they think is acceptable, if it is not DC centric then it is not acceptable. I can't get child care help that I would pay for (even if I have the money) as they can't deal with the level of being messed around that my ex loves to do. I can't make any plans with friends in advance as they usually need a month or 2 and mine and DC's lives are still in such flux due to ex and his games (even when DC and I try not to get impacted by it all).
I wish ex would not exist in our lives due to the level of negative impact. I haven't said this to DC and I have said regular contact is good for a good relationship to DC.

I have no life, my DC is now struggling to cope and I'm looking for counselling for DC.

I'm keeping dignified silence when my name is being dragged through the mud by my ex. It is slanderous but the moral victory of taking him to court and winning would bankrupt me.

Please OP don't think the grass is greener, is just different but most of the issues we face would be very similar if not the same. I'm willing to be on MN and give parents that have no contact with the other parent of their child support, it would be nice to think that you would do the same for me.

I've been in both situations - with my oldest dc I was a 'lone parent' by your definition, now I suppose I'd qualify as a 'single parent'. I think it's a really artificial division and as PP have said, most of the issues we face are the same. Tbh, being a 'lone parent' was a lot easier than now, where my dc see their father for a couple of hours once in a blue moon and I have to pick up the pieces afterwards. I've never received CM from either of them, so absolutely the only difference is the extra disruption/interference.

Maybe you just need to fill out your posts a little more, so that people understand your situation and can give better/more relevant suggestions.

(I thought you were going to post about all those married people who insist they are 'like lone parents' because their OH works away, works long hours or is just disengaged. I have several friends who do that, really irritates me because it's not the same at all! )

This topic was single parents, but about two years it was changed to lone parents as it was felt single parents was the incorrect term.
I don't think there is term that will make everyone happy.

mumsnet is supposed to be there to support parents. semantics about words lone and single could put off parents who need support. there is a whole spectrum of singleparentdom, from parenting with the childs other parent to no help at all going through various other combinations of not ideal/abusive ex's having contact and varying amounts of contact, usefulness of the other parent and financial contribution. then there are the variety of ages and number of children and children with or withour additional needs, ongoing illnesses or disabilities. some parents may also have disabilities or illnesses too.

all situations of single parenthood should be welcome on the board.

mumsnet is not an exclusive club and this board should not be exclusive either. I hope that a debate over vocabulary will not put off people who do need help, suppport and a bit of kindness when struggling, instead of it being implied that their situation is not really lone parenthood...and thus they are not welcome here.

Op I see you have come across people making assumptions about your situation and are rightly pissed off with that. please don't assume though that this is the most difficult situation, it can have advantages of not sending a child to an abusive/neglectful/unsafe/incompetant other parent nor, for that matter, being in an abusive realtionship with children which can be many times worse than being a single/lone parent.

At no point have I said it is the most difficult.

Surely were you are located on the spectrum between lone parent and co-parent depends not just on how often you have them but also on how much positive interaction you have with your x over the DC.

Fgs where not were!