Coming to terms with things

[pinkpixie83]

How do I come to terms with and accept my ex is moving in with someone and she will be playing mum to my kids?

I can't get my head round it and it really upsets me. To the point I'm considering moving 100 odd miles away in the hope he won't want to see them or make the effort to travel to them.

I completely understand that you feel really really upset but the hardest part of breaking up with your child's other parent is that you HAVE to put the children and the forefront of your thoughts. It is NOT about your ex and any perceived rights to see his kids -
but about your children's right to have a good and effective relationship with their dad . It really isn't fair to set about making that harder for them by moving away.

Sadly (and I am not saying this is right in anyway just that it happens) - you move away, dad will probably, eventually give up. The only result will be that your children lose a father.

In an entire cynical note.. there is nothing on gods earth that makes a 'new relationship ' lose its shine pretty bloody quick than the relentless monotonous every other weekend visit of 'the step kids' . I've done it for a decade and am still doing it .. Make the visit regular. Set in stone. It will wind the new gal of the clock after a couple of months of happy families - and nicely disrupt the 'love nest' . .

Use the time to regroup and refind a social life. But make sure he KNOWS that EOW (or whatever is agreed) are his responsibility and that if it needs to change then HE arranges alternative child care. It's not up to you, they are his children too..

All the above is on the basis of a decent father who has his children's welfare at the forefront of his thoughts..
if he is in anyway abusive to THEM then go to court (£212 if you are earning , fee free if not) and get leave to move from the jurisdiction. (Permission to take them away from their other parent if he has PR)

He is not abusive, doesn't think about the children at all and is an emotional bully but when I spoke to caffcas they weren't interested

Pixie I was in your situation 3 years ago. And no matter how many people told me it would get better etc I couldn't see a way of handling the fact that me ex had left me and dd for another woman. I hated her. I hated him. I too contemplated moving away.

Instead I put all my energy and focus in to being a great mom and my career. 3 years on I am single , happy, my career has taken off but most importantly dd is very happy and gets everything she needs from me. He on the other hand is very miserable and the ow is jealous of his relationship with dd.

It does get easier. To the point that you will eventually not care about either of them but it takes time.

Be strong X

You might find an ally/friend in your exH's new partner. She might adore your children just as much as I adore my DP's. You might find she's really nice and that you trust her, that she has the same values as you, you might find you can be civil and keep the children's best interest at heart all times. I hope you do.
I am not playing mum, I am a mum, someone else's mum, but still a mum. Ultimately, I am in her shoes myself.

@8FencingWire that sounds lonely but I just can't imagine her doing mum things with my kids.

I can't see us being friendly either, it appears she's got no concern for either set of children either (from my point of view anyway)

I am in your situation, OP. And I am also in your ex's new dp's position.

My ex is moving in with his new girlfriend, and I am planning to move in with my new dp. We both have children.

I am happy inasmuch as I hope my ex having a stable dp will make his life more structured, and I feel positive about the fact my dc will have a woman around them while I am not there.

The feeling I get from my new dps ex is that she is extremely unhappy that I exist, and would rather I wasn't near her dc. Its upsetting because she doesn't know me, doesn't want to meet me and seems to want to make things difficult for the sake of it. If only she could see that I am not trying to be her dc mother...I have my own dc. I wish she could see that I care about her dc and have their best interest at heart. I am not going away...myself and dp are in it for the long haul. But I get the feeling dps ex won't be making life easy in the future. Its really hard to know what to do! I kind of understand why she is feeling like this but what can I do?

What gives you the impression she doesn't care about either set of dc?

It just seems with history that they are both rushing things.
Since we've split up 4years ago this is girlfriend number 4, all of which have met the children. One of which he hounded me to let the kids meet her, and when it then happened 3 months later he was telling me they were pregnant but had broken up! It just seems like such a rush, moving in together after less than a year with 6 children involved. I don't understand why they can't just take things a bit slower.

I won't be making life hard, the only thing I'm considering is the move. I won't cause problems in any other way, it will only be me that suffers because of my feelings as I don't want to upset the kids but by the same token I'm the one who always has to pick up their pieces and if this goes wrong as well like his track record

Ah I see, there is history there. I can see why you are concerned. This is the first relationship for both myself and my dp since the breakdown of our marriages and we waited around 10 months before getting our dc involved. We took it as slow as we could. Four gf in as many years is worrying for you, your dc must be confused and yes it will be you who picks up the pieces if it all goes tits up. I don't know what to say other than try not to let it consume you. Its going to happen no matter what you think or how you act. Try and focus on making your own life happy, and reserve some energy for a fallout if it happens. Be the best mum you can be, by being there for your dc, and by being kind to yourself. Treat yourself when they are staying at their dad's. Go out, have fun, catch up with people, go on dates. Sit in with popcorn and a film. Have a bubble bath. I dunno, just enjoy life as much as you can and don't worry over something out of your control.

Hope that wasn't too much of a waffle. You do have my sympathy. Have you met the ex's new gf?

No I'm not allowed to meet anyone! I wasn't allowed to meet the mother of the other child either!
They will have been together 10 months when they move in, I just don't understand the rush!

Are you seriously considering moving?

It's been on my mind since the split 4 years ago. I moved to be with my exH so I have no family locally and only a few friends. So yes this might have been a catalyst to start looking about but it wouldn't be the sole reason.

She will never be a mother to your children. Not even if she does "mum things". I have been in your shoes and her shoes, and the child's shoes even, and it just isn't true.

Moving away is a horrible idea. Please don't do that.

Have you ever had a court order made in relation to the child contact? And are you sure when you say the ex's girlfriend has no concern for either set of children?

When I read your OP I would have said don't move...don't disrupt the dc lives just because you can't handle your ex having a new dp. However you allude to your ex having abusive tendencies (am I right?) And the new gf not caring about the kids. And you have no support network.

I don't know the full backstory so its hard to tell. The fact you have been thinking about moving for years tells me you aren't just doing it on a whim...

Moving away could make the outcome worse! The ex could end up with longer chunks of holidays and 100 miles isn't enough to prevent EOW contact.

@legoadults he's an emotional bully, and he was finically controlling when we were together. I feel he's showing those signs towards the children from what they say but obviously have no proof. We have no court order in place. Within reason we have kept contact of eow since the split. He has some holidays too but only when it suits and if the children don't want to go in the holidays he says fine! There is no contact between times, he makes no effort to call. If I ever call him because I need help to get one to the drs etc I am either ignored or told it's not his time so it isn't his problem!

Moving crosses my mind regularly and I have toyed with the idea a lot, the details have always put me off before because it seems so over whelming. It's still only a consideration but something I am thinking more seriously about.

Obviously I can only speculate about her but in her position I wouldn't want to move in with someone with that kind of track record after such a short time when there was kids involved. They had a sleepover the other weekend and my daughter refused to go the following contact because she didn't feel comfortable and wants time with her dad not his girlfriend and the extra children!

Does she know about his track record though? I agree it seems too fast as there are kids are involved, but maybe I'm old fashioned and shouldn't judge.

Wrt his being an emotional bully...I was married to one myself so believe me I know what it's like...your children will make their own mind up about him in time,and as long as they aren't in any danger there isn't much you can do. I'm not sure moving would help matters?

How old are your dc?