did anyone see that programme on c4 just now about widows?

[benbenandme]

not sure what it waws called but was a documentary about single parents due to partner dying young.
I sat here crying all the way through it .. everything they said was exactly how I feel / have felt since dp left me nearly 2 years ago. I have actually used some phrases when talking to friends about how I feel and they said some of them word for word the same
It made me realise that actually the feelings I have gone through are almost identical to how it would have felt if he died rather than just walking out on us I don't hate him and never have at any stage which most people don't understand but its the way I feel.
Everyone kept asking them if they'd met anyone else yet, like that would make everything alright, and they all said how could they meet someone else when they still loved their husbands? ... how they are noe getting on with rebuilding their lives and living them even though its not the life they imagined or wanted. It honestly felt like deja vous ... everything was exactly how I feel.
Made me think maybe its about time I seriously put every effort into trying to b friends with ex for ds sake .. at least I have an opportunity to do that, these poor mums don't have that .
Don't really know why I'm waffling on so much now, was just one of those programmes that you don't want to end (and there aren't many of those on these days )

already a thread here

thank you, hadn't seen that x

benbenandme - I watched this programme and I empathise with your feelings. I am posting on this thread because, like you, I was affected by the programme from the position of a single mother. It is over two years since my dd's father dumped me when I was pregnant, despite it being a planned pregnancy and we were engaged to be married. He had some kind of breakdown, took antidepressants and his feelings for me changed (a topic for another thread). It has felt like a bereavement as, although he treated me really badly, I did love him and am not really over it still. Could things have been different? I would not have chosen to have a child except in the context of a loving relationship (no disrespect to anyone who chooses to go it alone) and I have found my situation difficult to accept. I was asked on a date a while ago but couldn't face it because the truth is I am still grieving, about him and for the life I thought I would have. I'm convinced things would just go wrong again. I wanted to have more children but I doubt I will now, even if I meet someone else - I'd be too scared history would repeat itself. I wouldn't wish to offend widows by comparing their situation directly to mine. They are two different situations and it must be absolutely awful for your husband or partner to die. Being dumped when pregnant or with small children carries its own version of grief, though. It doesn't have the romantic connotations of widowhood and attracts more pity and embarrassment than sympathy. I think I am really self-conscious about what happened and my status as a single mother. The media and politicians' soundbites don't help. I need to get over it, get rid of this feeling which is like shame, and move on, see it more positively or it will end up tainting dd's childhood. I try not to feel bad when a new acquaintance asks about dd's father but it is difficult and I am very up and down. I moved house to be near my father (my mother died when I was 17) when my daughter was 10 months. My father doted on his grandchild and I wanted my dd to have more family around than just me. My father's health had been failing (another reason I wanted to be near him). He had a heart attack and died a month later. It has been a tough time grieving for my Dad and caring for a small child on my own in a place where I hardly know anyone. I have a brother and a sister who are both great but they live hours away so we don't see them as often as we would like to. I watched the programme you mentioned tonight and cried. I also watched an earlier one today on BBC2 about children missing their absent Dads. Fathers Day was v. difficult last year as I missed my Dad so much. dd's Dad shows no interest in her which makes me very sad. I know the value of a loving father and have lost him. She may never know that love. She is not really aware yet that he is missing in her life but I expect there is heartache to come in the future. Sorry - long post. Things are getting better gradually. I enjoy and take comfort in providing for my dd. I am no longer as pathetic as I perhaps sound but there's a way to go yet before I can be truly optimistic about the future.

skyatnight - thank you for your post
I can relate to so much of what you have written, I do think we have a version of grief too. I am fortuante that ds daddy does still want to spend some time with him, although only once a week because (in his words "he has too many other things to do" ie. spend time with his girlfriend (who he left us for)

It is hard to see him when he comes round to get ds with his girlfriend and watch them go off playing happy families with my son

I also would love more children but also don't believe I'd ever trust anyone enough and thats even if I got to the stage where I stop loving my ex

I would love to meet someone so that ds could have a proper father figure / role model in his life on a daily basis as I think thats important. Like you I am miles better than I was but I know I'm not over it yet.

I am so sorry to hear of your father - life can be soooo unfair Thank God our kids make this all worth while !!

Good luck to you and

benbenandme - Thanks Regarding my ex-partner - I don't want to have a victim mentality and I try to be positive but sometimes I do give in to the negative feelings, have a cry, before I can move on again. A lot of things bring back memories and I still need to talk about it at times. Friends and family are not always sympathetic as they want me to be happy and can't understand why I am still wasting energy thinking about someone who wasn't good for me. If only it were that simple to put it behind me. My dd looks so like him. I expect my ex has new girlfiend(s) but, as he shows no interest in his child - I think he pretends she doesn't exist - I don't have to see them. At this point, I'm not sure it would bother me (I just wish he'd love his child) but it must be hard for you if you still have feelings for him. I would also like dd to have a father figure but it seems safer not to do anything about it. As you say - at least we have our lovely children! Best wishes.