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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

for tammybear

12 replies

irishjewels · 06/07/2004 16:50

help i had a disastrous argument with exp yest eve when i dropped ds off for an hour and a half. All i asked him to do was make sure he didnt leave him in a wet nappy as he had some nappy rash and he started swearing at me on the street and said i was trying to be difficult. I stayed calm and asked him not to do this infront of ds and stop swearing but he said it was my fault i made him like it! have to keep a diary of all this stuff but nothing's scheduled to happen until sept and i cant deal with the tension and dread twice a week until then. and like you i have problem with the visit he just sits him infront of videos/kids tv whenever he has him in the house they don't interact atall. Then he takes him to circus or swimming which i suppose is really nice but it's not REAL do you know what i mean? there's no everyday stuff.... do you think i should try mediation or go back to my solicitor? if it ends up back in court it will cost me 180 so trying to avoid that. theres no point me talking to his parents they are completely on his side ( they made him the horrible person he is )any suggestions?

OP posts:
tammybear · 06/07/2004 16:57

oh irishjewels - im so sorry you're going through this. i think your exp is being slightly neglectful of your ds's needs. from other threads of yours, its as if your exp doesnt want to do all the basic things like nappy changes and feeds, which he may just see it as the mothers job. i havent tried mediation yet, not sure if im still going to go through with it, so i dont know if its any good. i think maybe you should talk to your solicitor. are you on income support as you should be able to get help through legal aid if they do it.

my exps parents are very much like exp. i dont think his dad is a very good role model, and so exp isnt exactly a brillant father. although i blame that a lot on exp himself as he needs to sort himself out but refuses to do anything about it.

your exp doesnt sound a very responsible father, its all well and good that he wants to spend time with ds, but he has to do it in a way that is in the best interest of ds and so he is looked after properly

Original poster
irishjewels · 06/07/2004 17:08

yea its like you say tb, wants to be seen walking up street with bag of toys, but can't actually be bothered with the practicalities. Im not sure if he is really getting any pleasure from visits or if it's just a way to keep his foot in the door so he can parade ds about (we live in small town) and prove his manhood (please don't let me go into THAT!)
i would be entitled to legal aid but it's very much hit and miss, you're not offered the same solicitor each time and it would mean constantly re-explaining everything to different people. Also i don't think the judge has the same respect for the legal aid ones as most are just starting out. some are fantastic so i've heard but its the luck of the draw. I am dreading saturday so much already. As well as the worry of him having responsibility for ds i now have to worry about the hand-over. God i hate this. I made a decision not to join mn just to moan, i want to contribute positively but this is SOOOO upsetting me and its too hard to tell most people they either want to go and beat him up or else get too personally involved which isn't practical either.

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tammybear · 06/07/2004 17:18

dont worry irishjewels, you're allowed to share your worries on here, otherwise we wont be able to help contribute will we? im always moaning lol.

ive only been to see a solicitor once through legal aid, but she said to me that i could ring her and see her again, so im not sure why they're making you see solicitor to solicitor, unless you use up all the legal aid with that particular solicitor. maybe you should bring this up the next time you see one? try to find a female solicitor who does family issues as they seem to be more understanding.

the problem with men i find is that they have to have the control. i hold majority of the control over exp and i know it really annoys him as he has to stay on my good side. however we werent married so he has no parental responsibility. were you two married? i cant remember off the top of my head.

i think that it would be a good idea if this went to court, as they can give him limited times to see ds, if they allow it. keep the diary of things, as i went through this with exp. i kept every txt he sent, every arguement, every reason for me to not trust him with dd down in a diary with the time and date.

maybe you could try speaking to your hv, as mine was quite knowledgable about things and helped me out, and they have to be confidential as its as if talking to your doctor. i would suggest CAB but i dont know if they would be of any help.

Original poster
irishjewels · 06/07/2004 17:30

Actually tb it was a 1nite stand (o my god!!) he was a friend of a friend and i'd been on my own for a year after living with someone for the last 9 yrs. we dated for 6wks after that but had conceived ds on that first nite. when i told him he dumped me and barred my number from his phone. Saw him few times in town and then he appeared in hosptital when i was in labour, got foto from mw when ds born and slowly wormed his way into our lives! I was under the misapprehension that it was the "right thing to do" and spent a full year being treated like sh** before finally asking him to leave me alone (but not ds) he was fine with this until 6mths later when i started dating someone. he wants control alright. he took me to court to bully me i think but i came out of it alot better than him. (re maintenance etc) do you think you will do that with exp? oh and just read on your profile you have driving test on 5th is that still on?

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tammybear · 06/07/2004 17:36

yeah ive got my driving on monday. scary lol.

i had just told my exp about my dp on sunday and he went mad. my mum was afraid he was going to hit me as he got so angry in the space of a few seconds.

in a way you did the right thing by allowing exp to be a part of ds's life, its just his attitude. with my exp, i remember once he said that i would find someone else just to get back at him and have them take over as dd's father. IDIOT!! i think men in general feel threatened if there is someone else on the scene that may very well take over their role as father. how old is your ds as i think if he was born after Dec 2003 and exps name is on birth certificate, then he has parental responsibility. If not, then you have the main say and can tell him when to have ds and whatever. You are ds's main carer so you will always have the main say. If he starts ranting and raving and saying he'll take you to court, then let him as you have proof he is not a very responsible father.

I have people who said they will be a witness to how exp is, if we ever went to court, as exp is not fit enough to have dd on his own. Even my hv said that. Do you have people who can support you with this?

Original poster
irishjewels · 06/07/2004 17:47

yes i have support and witnessess just wish desperately for things to be "normal" but your situation sounds so similar to mine re: control, agression, stupid idiot men with pathetic notions of their own importance! glad you have a nice dp, i have been dating my dp for 9mths now he is everything dd isnt! kind, funny, honest, caring and sexy as hell. going to work now, hope you're all set for driving test and GOOD LUCK, although i hope to be talking to you before then X ps ds 2yr 2mth

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tammybear · 06/07/2004 17:49

ok, will talk to you again about it, ill have a think and see what i can come up with. take care, and try not to worry about it too much as hard as that is I know. your exp doesnt have parental responsibility so legally has no rights, so if you're not comfortable with it, you can say no, you cant have ds this weekend. you have the control over him and thats why exp is being threatening and an asshole, because he knows you have.

xxx

Jaybee · 06/07/2004 18:34

Could someone act as a go-between between you and your xp so you never have to speak to him. Either me or my mum used to do this for my sister when her xh left. This meant he couldn't manipulate her like he always used to and any contact had to be through the solicitor or me.

Original poster
irishjewels · 07/07/2004 03:15

hi jaybee, good idea in theory, but my mum lives in england and it's not a situation i'd put many of my friends in. will definately have a re-think after wednesday tho! Maybe mediation will help as some-one else might be able to get thru to him where i fail. He gets frustrated at not being able to bully me into submission and isn't articulate enough to communicate civilly so he resorts to threats and abuse.

If anyone else is reading this and has anything to say please do.............

Is so good to know im not on my own. xxxxxxxx

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wobblyknicks · 07/07/2004 10:06

ij - think you're right - he just wants you to go along with whatever he says and so he gets angry when you don't. Just stand your ground and don't listen to him. Tell him that unless he's prepared to be a proper father to ds (and that involves doing things your way), that you want him out of ds' life - because if he's not having any proper interaction with him or looking after him the way you want then you're entitled to say that's unacceptable.

And don't worry about moaning on here, when was trying to leave UH that's all I ever did and everyone on here had the patience of saints with me. But now that I have and things are getting better (with me - he's still a massive prat) I can try to contribute helpfully.

Original poster
irishjewels · 07/07/2004 23:27

read so many threads last night, lots of support, hugs and laughter all mixed in with tears and heartbreak and empathy just out there! Feel strong today, have to take ds to exp tomorrow, i will rise above his level.

OP posts:
tammybear · 07/07/2004 23:29

good, keep strong, and remember you have the right to say no if you dont want him to. good luck xxx

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