When do I get the happy ever after?

[ZilphasHatpin]

This is a self pitying whinge, feel free to ignore.

Background: Separated from EXp 7 years ago. Been single ever since apart from a 4 month dating thing that went nowhere. Have two DC (both exp's) youngest is 7 and has lots of ongoing issues, on the waiting list for autism assessment. Exp dips in and out of contact as it suits him. Most recently didn't see them for 4 months due to SS intervention. Has just started seeing them again last week. I have very little social life because I have no-one to care for Dc if I want to go out.

So was chatting with my mum at the weekend and she mentioned that a family member who has a really horrible personality had a new boyfriend and I jokingly said "how come she can get a boyfriend and I can't" my mum replied that I had my two DCs and that was enough for me. I was really upset but didn't show it. I know I have a lot on my plate but am I really expected to stay single until my DC are grown? I'm so lonely. I'm terrified of the thought of being alone forever.

Anyway, I've been feeling a bit down because of what she said and then I found out today that exp is having a baby with his new wife. Which is to be expected of course and I knew it would happen eventually but it's really got to me. He met his wife a couple of months after we separated. He didn't have to arrange babysitters in order for him to go on dates to meet someone or get to know someone, he hasn't had to deal with all the crap I've had with DS and his medical and behavioural issues (but he has felt very comfortable blaming me for all these issues!) he has had his lovely wedding and bought his lovely house and now they're having a lovely baby and they'll get to enjoy all that together meanwhile I should just be happy to spend the next 10 years watching Corrie and talking to the cat.

I feel like such an idiot for being annoyed about this but it really hurts.

Hey, I can relate to your post, in certain ways, I'm a single parent of a three year old, her dad is on/off the scene, he is now engaged to someone else, I too feel like I'll be single forever, I have no childcare besides nursery when I'm working, would you do online dating? I use 'plenty of fish' & whilst I wouldn't like to say you'll meet the man of your dreams on there, it's conversations and something to pass the time if nothing else! I do hope you find something to make you a little happier

Thanks for replying miss, I've been on and off online dating over the 7 years. Had a couple of dates but that was it. I've become really disheartened with it lately. Tbf I am pretty restricted by when I can meet anyone so it can come across as if I'm not really bothered about meeting and also I find a lot of people don't actually want to chat. They get bored very quickly or turn to sex chat which I am not really up for. I feel like I'm being really negative but it's just how I've found it.

I hear you! Just 'celebrated' (yeah, right) 8 years in my own. He and OW still together, had the child he said I couldn't have (1 and1 only) and apart from a so called long distance relationship that turned sour I've been on my own.
He was a twat, has had the money and time to do whatever he wanted to leaving me with one night and one day to try and meet someone. The only people I ever met on line were only after sex on the first meet up or bitter about their ex's.

I'm sick and tired of being Cinderella . My friends say I'm a nice, kind person with s great SOH, so why does no bugger want me?

I wish I knew foslady, I have a few close friends and they all say I should have someone and I'm lovely (well they're biased of course!) having said that, one of them is long term single like me and the other two have been with their husbands since their teens so none of them are really in touch with the 21st century dating scene.

I keep thinking there must be something I'm missing, like a trick or social strategy I haven't noticed. But other than just physically not being able to get out to meet people I can't think of anything. I do live in a "small town" kind of small town which doesn't help.

Your life could nearly be mine. Split with exH nearly 7 years ago and youngest DC also nearly 7. Nobody to look after DC for me to go on dates as exH died a while ago and live too far from close family.

There have been times over the years where I have thought it would be nice to meet someone but I when anything became close to happening I would panic. I think I have given up on ever being ready now. Maybe I will get a man friend for companionship when I am in my 70s

Could you hire a babysitter once a month or try a hobby during the day when DC are at school?

Oh and don't worry about having a bit of a self pity. Everyone is allowed now and again when life has thrown them a curve ball.

I work during the days so no opportunity for weekday hobbies. I could hire a babysitter but weekday evenings would be a problem as DS is in a routine that takes a lot of work to get him to comply with and he would run a babysitter ragged (I still struggle!) and still be up at all hours with the change in routine, he would be a disaster the next day for school which would mean him lashing out and hurting someone in school. Weekends would be a possibility as he would have no school the next day but no hobbies are on at weekends. Only the bars are open and I know the sort of men in our local bars I try and get out as much as possible with DC at weekends. They have hobbies and we go to local attractions and events quite often but it's not ideal for striking up a romantic relationship.

There is NO such thing as 'happy ever after' that is the stuff that Mills & Boon and media spin is made of. Relationships take work and effort and only half of them are happy. It isn't the 'answer' to acquire a boyfriend since you have to be happy with you and not look to others to complete you.

I feel a happy relationship is part of a happy life but not everything. Definitely not. This false belief stems from romanticism and fantasy and social conditioning.

You also need to be mixing a lot to increase the likelihood of meeting people and if you want to meet somebody as we get older more and more people are spoken for.

Also others have baggage that makes it hard to move on.

I think these issues are harder as we get older. People get set in their ways. There are fewer opportunities to mix if we are a single parent etc. It all depends on if we can socialise or not and most of us can't.

Hope what I have said has helped in some way. I have met quite a few people who in their experience have done the 'moving on stage' once their children reach the age of 15. Until then unless you have a lot of help to mix and get out and about children are just too demanding.

Good luck.