Asking for Daddy?

[MissKLS]

Hi I'm new, I was just wondering if anybody has any advice for me. I'm a single mum of a three year old, my daughter see's her dad maybe one weekend a month, it's supposed to be every Saturday night and one visit a week after work/nursery, but he fails to turn up a lot, recently her behaviour has changed, but she's become fully toilet trained,we've moved house, &a she's had a few hospital visits.
In the past couple of weeks she's started to ask for her Daddy every bedtime, she cries for him if she falls, she tells me she doesn't like me, she wants her daddy and not me, she doesn't like sleeping in my house she wants to go to her daddy's house. She's three, she doesn't mean to upset me, but she does, there's nothing I want more for my little one than another parent who lives the bones of her, however she doesn't have that, other things come first to him, and I'm not sure how to handle the constant asking for him any longer.

Can you talk to him about it as might he respond in a helpful way and be more reliable? It sounds like you notice he isn't prioritising her enough so maybe this isn't going to help, but if there's a chance I would explain to him in a non-confrontational, positive way and ask him what he thinks th best way to help her through this is?

It must be so hard and try to see it as positive that he feels a good thing in her life too.
I hope you're ok as it sounds hard for you and don't in any way think she loves you any less for wanting him, I think our DC show how secure they are in our love by looking further if that makes sense and remember you are the centre of her world so she is only wanting to see him too by the sound of it.

I hope her dad can help

Can you have one of those dolls made that looks like daddy? Army wives have them done I have read.

A padded doll with printed photo of daddy the length of it!!
Keep it in her room as am sure you won't want a reminder!!

Ps our DC I'm sure both went through saying they didn't love me at that sort of age and never do now they're older but somehow when their emotions get really big it's an easy thing to do and your response will really help- I would gently just reply that you love her, and that you know she's upset.

I have spoken to him about this same issue before, he just says that he doesn't like to know that she asks for him as it makes him upset, I've been telling him for months on end. I've even recorded her without her knowing asking for him and sent it on to him and he just asked me to not do it again, he came round after I posted tonight (he came at 6.40ish, she goes to bed at 7) I said why don't you come in and you can do story and bedtime? He said no Im just dropping money off &I I have things to do (monthly maintenance but pays when he wants to 🙈) I'm banging my head against a brick wall, we've had to move house because he got lots of debt to my address and caused a ridiculous amount of trouble with local loan sharks! I may sound a little odd but I feel like I'm bagging him to be a dad? Surely that's not right!

That must feel so sad, no you don't sound odd at all and he DOES- so sad he has such a ridiculous response, why is he worrying he Is upset when it's about her? How frustrating he is sounding so immature and maybe there's a lot going on he is struggling with but to not see her perspective and manage a quick story is really hard for you and her.
I'd try to cut your losses as unless someone else can get through to him about this, she might almost feel safer if you can just reinforce her family unit is you and her and that is enough and so strong. She can still see him obviously, but I've seen such a special friend go through this and her DD now 9 is much better when it's the two of them than when she was waiting on false promises etc .
If it helps I think you sound like you're managing amazingly and to do everything you can for your DD. And on top of the stress of a forced move

He sounds pathetic. Your mention of debt rings alarm bells was/is he an addict of some description? If so then his failure to prioritise his daughter makes a lot of sense (my ex is a gambler and I suspect, now, an alcoholic). It's very sad.

My DS is now 7 but we went through similar. She probably needs help identifying how she is feeling. "Are you really missing daddy? Does it make you feel sad" etc. What she says to you (despite how ot feels) is a sign of a stronger relationship... she wouldn't say similar to him because she couldn't be sure of his response (to still be there for her)

How do you respond... One thing I learnt from my Ds is the issues were often at bedtime.. I found the short answer the far better. When he aksed qustions about his Dad I replied I will answer you but now is not the time. I almost became the way to delay bedtime.

I love you and its ok you love your Dad too would be my response.

You can't make him be a dad sadly it sounds like her been upset becomes about him which it is about her.

I went through this with my eldest after her mum left last year, she was three at the time as well. She would get excited when she thought her mum was coming to see her and then be upset for days when she didn't and say the same sort of things your DD does.

I eventually just went down the route of never telling her that she's going to see her mum until the day itself just before we set off to drop her off. That way she never went through any upset as she wasn't aware her mum had cancelled. If she brings up her mum we just talk about how she'll always be her mum but that she always will be but that now we live just me, her and her little brother as a family. It took a while but eventually she settled and is fine with everything now