Does he have a right to know?

[lottymadbird]

Hi, haven't posted here for ages but need some advice. I have gorgeous DS 1.5yrs, my exP and I have been through it a bit and after splitting up just before DS was born (some of you may rememember me posting about it) we've tried to make a go of things but its been impossible and finally split up a couple of months ago. Its very, very early days but I've starting seeing a really nice man who is great with DS and at the moment we are just having fun and its all very chilled out. My ExP lives in a different country, sees his son sporadically, doesn't contribute financially very much and is not the greatest father, one reason being that he has a big problem with drink and anger that he won't acknowledge. So my dilemma now is when exP comes over in a couple of weeks to see DS do I tell him about new boyfriend? I know he is going to ask and I hate lying to anyone but i really would rather he didn't know. But then I'm not sure if he has a right to know as DS is his son and boyfriend does see DS. Any advice/points of view would be very welcome.

Why should he know? Do you know of his lady friends? Just because he's your dS's father it doesn't give him the right to know everyting that goes on in your life!

Its like youre looking for his approval or asking his permission.

Answer to nobody & do what you want

H.x

Agree with Hillary, none of his business!

Agree - none of his business. I understand you don't want to lie - so just say it is none of his business. However, having an angry xp myself I do know that your xp may push for more info with the excuse 'need to know what is going on in my ds's life - who ds is seeing etc etc' So just be prepared for that sort of outburst from him and I would suggest stand your ground and avoid confrontation. Good luck and great news you have found a new man.

Thanks for the messages. I was rather hoping that might be the general consensus but I must say I am concerned about what I'll say when he says, "what are you hiding"? or "it is my business". He is very manipulative. Harra, thanks for your nice words about finding a new man. I am totally scared about it all but it is good fun. I had planned staying single until my DS was at uni because I'd become so cynical about men but new bf (so far!) is really lovely and has restored my faith somewhat.

ask yourself this, if your xp was taking your ds out and he has a girlfriend who also is involved in your ds' life, would you want to know? do you feel you ought to know?

your answer to that question is the answer to your question.

you're right wannabe... yes actually I would want to know and I'd want to meet her first too. Mainly because exP cannot cope with DS on his own and he has a big drink problem so I'd want to make sure a) she's not an alcoholic too and b) that she at least would be responsible enough to look after DS. Not that I'd even consider letting ExP have him until he's a lot older.

You almost sound as if your scared of his reaction because he has anger & alcohol problems. Maybe it might help to talk to him in a hyperthetical situation. Just ask him how would he feel if you started dating again. You never know he might react differently if he is seeing someone else himself. If he does react badly then you'll know that you can always say that you just wanted his opinion.