Help needed - exp coming today

[tammybear]

Exp is coming with his parents today at 2pm. He lives 3 hours away and sees dd every 3 weekends when his parents are free to drive him down as he doesnt know how to drive and cant afford to come by train.

I am having to bring up the conversation of him having dd for a few days over the summer as much as it pains me to do. Also I am with dp who exp doesnt know about (or if he does not through me). Im having to bring dp up as I am going away on holiday without dd with him in end of August, and exp is suppose to come the weekend I go, so Ill have to tell him, otherwise my mums left in the awkward position.

I know he is going to flip when he finds out about dp, as we had to lie before as he wouldnt come to see dd. But now I realise that it has nothing to do with him, and the only way it'll affect him is if dp moves in (which wont happen anytime soon). Exp still hasnt got over me which is why this is going to be really delicate and I can just see him storming out as thats what hes like.

Should I bring up the topic of dp first or exp having dd? I dont really know how to go about telling him all this

Hi tammy bear... i get the idea from previos posts that Exp;
a/ wouldnt have DD if she was offered for a few days....
b/ You would prefer he didnt have DD 'alone'?
c/ will flip reagrdless as you said... he still isnt over you and i'd sugest that if he really wanted to spend time with DD it wouldnt involve a group outing he would just come up... and ill add more often!
My two penice worth for what it may be worth is to say little whilst he is there. I certainly wouldn't say would he like DD for a few days when he may turn that around at some point to ... you just wanted to get rid of DD whilst you went off etc etc etc...
So i guess in your shoes i wouldnt say anything on this visist. Id have new p there and just have him as part of the furniture... as previous ... moral support. Dont go near the next visit, unless he brings it up when you can say that'we' are going away on holiday and wont be home for him to see DD. Offere the previos and post weekends and leave it at that. Id suggest it is none of his business if who you are away with and if DD is going or not! she will be in good hands with her grandma so its not an isue. If he doesnt bring up the next visit ring him in a couple of days and say you have booked a bargain holiday and hence will not be home for next visit. His problem not yours? Ihope it goes well i can guess how hard it is but try not to build it up in your head or it will become a big issue. Even if DP moves in it is still not his problem, or yours! you only live once. I recon if he blows his top over it, better now than later when DD is older and more able to understand the effect on you and can be manipulated by Exp.
hope that may help!

just an update. i tried to say as little as possible but it didnt quite go to plan. i said to exp that i wanted to have a quick quiet word with him. i spoke to him about maintenance and money etc. then i said to him that there are a few weekends that would be inconvient if they planned to come down as the next weekend they're due is when me, mum and dd get back from holiday and its also my birthday. then i mentioned the weekends when im away, as theyre due to come down then but mum is having dd for the week.

anyway exp asked where i was going and i said greece, and then he asked who with so i told him about dp. he of course flipped and started screaming at me saying he didnt want to ever hear from me again, and started to cry. his mum came out to see what was happening so i told her. exp then said again he didnt want to hear from me again and that anything to do with what he owes me or money should go through his parents. i then asked about dd as if he doesnt want to see me, he cant see dd. his dad came out to calm him down, so i went back inside (this was out in the garden for all the neighbours to hear!!)

they left, but exp apologised for his swearing and losing his temper as dd could hear all this (which i think his parents made him do). i feel alot better now that everything is out in the open. hopefully exp can deal with this and move on. not sure whats going to happen with the next visit though.

oh and i didnt mention about exp having dd as me and mum agreed that we should wait until dd is a little more older and can talk better, as neither of us feel completely comfortable with exp. mum even thought exp was going to hit me when he snapped. what a day!!

Oooppsss Tammy bear not a great start then! If he has spat the dummy why go through his folks? I know they are pants but what about the CSA? I figure its a shunt to get you to have to talk to the people he is intimidated by.. and i suspect he knows they intimidate you? To risk sounding like a shrink... perhaps he feels intimidated by you, being succsesful, starting a new realtionship and surviving? Dont know just an idea? leave next access to him id say. Will his folks want access if he doesnt? It would be good for DD to have some access to his family if not to him?

wow chloeb what a lot of good advice i really wish i'd known about mn this time last yr when i was in very similar situation. totally agree with your comments and understand exactly what tb is experiencing. Btw a year on i wish a could say things have improved but they have got progressivly worse. As i have got my confidence back, started working part-time and ....worst of all....got hi-lites put back in my hair LOL! he hates me even more and is actually nasty now. do men ever grow up?

chloeb2002 - i have always said i wanted exp to see dd as i do want dd to have some sort of relationship with him, even though he is not exactly able to look after himself let alone dd. his parents come everytime exp comes as they want to see dd too. I have stood up against his parents in the past, and was even arguing with exp's dad over a car seat yesterday.

the way i sort of look at it is with the maintenance, exp only pays £10 a week of the £25 he should be giving me that we agreed, and i think his parents should pay the other £15 as they both work and want to see dd. i could easily turn around and tell them not to see dd. not that im going to be like that. it was just a thought. i havent said anything to them, but i am struggling with money now because im £60 less a month now, and i was struggling enough as it was before, now its even worse