i feel bad cos im such a crap mum :(

[pinkbubbles]

i find looking after ds really draining. i am one of these people who needs 10 hours sleep and i find myself leaving him to play on the floor while i have a 2 hour nap just to get through the day. i hate being in the house with him at the weekend but don't have anywhere to particularly go. i don't know how to entertain him for that long and find myself constantly trying to get friends to come over or go out with, which usually involves spending far too much money on eating out or going shopping. the worst of it is i don't see him really during the week so i feel awful that i don't want to spend every minute with him at the weekend. he's 8 months old btw.

you can post under meet ups to find other mums in your area. There are other single mums who don't have a partner to go out with on weekends.

I am a bit confused, am I right that you are a lone parent, working evenings & nights?
I'd need 2 hours in the day if I did, and are you being hard on yourself? 2 hours might be a luxery, so if he sleeps for 1 then you might just have to get used to less. It is possible, you don't necessarily turn into a monster (I choose to eat copious amounts of chocolate in the afternoon to get me through so get fat, not grumpy).
I don't think babies need too much stimulating - we put an awful lot of pressure on ourselves you know. They are perfectly happy banging lids whilst watching us do the dishes. They need to know we're close by, thats all. I suspect there might be some PND - I didn't figure it out til DD was 6 months old.
I started as a lone parent and went walking in gale force winds when I had to. Toddler groups are a must, but sometimes you have to put yourself forward and really make an effort with the other moms. It can be quite daunting, especially if self-esteem is pretty low. You sound quite sociable, though which will help.
Speak to the HV about the possibility of PND. They might be able to refer you. Mine did.
Going to the gym, putting DS1 into the creche helped me because it gave me time, self-esteem and more energy. Local authoritiy ones or off-peak make it cheaper. Or do you know anyone you can swap some childcare with on a regular basis? Do an hour for each other once a week? It does take time, but it does come good. It is still early days. Good luck.

the op doesn't say anything about when she works, I don't think, although she says she doesn't see her ds much in the week, so I assume she works daytime weekdays. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong!

I have a nearly 6 month old. I was in a similar situation bout 2 months ago was so tired i didnt wanna play n just wanted to sleep and didnt go out at all.

I got thru it eventually by making myself get up n walking with the pram in to town i found i suddenly seem to become more energetic n realise all the fun i could be having and the tiredness disappeared.

You may just need to find somethin that brings urself back out.

I kept being tested for things bout 4 years ago when i becamer really tired for no reason i realised then it was my bodys way of telling me to slow down (there was nothing wrong!) maybe u need a break!!!

we all stuggle, we all doubt ourselves and we all think we're crap sometimes, and actually, sometimes we are. lucky we have copious amounts of maternal guilt to keep us on our toes. it'll be ok, and if it gets too much, there is help. take care.

Hmmm. Thread title says OP feels bad. I think she knows already ladies.

Constructive advice would be lovely, and a bit of support? If she does have PND, and its quite likely, then telling her to "buck her ideas up" is about as helfpul as a slap in the face with a wet fish.

And no, I dont enjoy playing with mine 24/7. It can be really dull and unstimulating for an adult. I dont feel guilty about it, because I am an adult and there is only so much playing with megablocks, wooden tops, and fimbo stuffed toys that I can take in any one day.

Superciliousness is grossly misplaced here.

pinkbubbles you have my sympathy. I think being a single parent must be hard. How many hours do you work, and what childcare do you get while you work?

IS there anyway you can get some regular time for yourself with someone else looking after your child? IS there a relative/ babysitter who could help or could you buddy up with another mother to help each other?

Re: sleep, try to nap when your child does and try to stay awake when they are awake. If you need a high number of hours sleep everyday this needs some invesigation by your GP, it might be due to depression.

Don't feel bad about forgetting how to play as an adult - this is common. Make an effort to do say 3 x 5 minute play sessions a day, that will be more than lots of kids get, and feel good about yourself if you do that. Going for a walk every day/ to the park is good for you both. Work out your favourite things and see how you can do some of them with a baby in tow!

Above all don't beat yourself up, you should feel proud of supporting a child on your own - none of us do a perfect job of parenthood and all of us find some stages harder than others. Give yourself some credit for what you do do and don't hate yourself for what you don't do.

sorry i've only come back to this now. i've been ill - think it might be a chest infection so off to the doctors tomorrow. will mention the tiredness thing again and see what he says.

i'd love to join a gym but i don't think i could afford one.

as for the swings he can't sit up so i don't think it would be very safe to put him on a swing.

i don't know any other mums with babies and the ones that i've spoke to through mn all have partners so really only want to meet up on weekdays. also i don't drive and most of them are still to far to get to easily.

i work nights and evenings but i do a course in the daytime, sorry for any confusion about that! we live with my mum and she looks after him whilst i am there.

oh no wonder you are tired my sweet. Sounds like you have quite a lot on your plate. Lots of mums meet up on here - have you joined a meet up thread, or tried netmums?

yes i've found some people nearer to me on netmums, but then one of them got all judgemental on me cos i wasn't a sahm so we never actually got round to meeting up.

Pinkbubbles, you really have my sympathy.

It does get easier, I promise.

It is hard to be alone with a baby - I'm a stay at home single mum so do it all day every day and, much as I love DS, sometimes it is sooooo hard. I'm sure I shouldn't admit this on here, but I went through a phase of nodding off on the sofa when DS was playing on the floor... I felt like an awful mum but he was in a baby-proofed room and was quite safe. I knew I couldn't keep on like that though and, over time, things got better. I saw my GP (I realised I was starting with depression) and got help for that and made a HUGE effort to get out and do things.

I am sure you are doing it, but if you have to nap when DS is with you, make sure he is somewhere safe. Is there someone else who can help you out?

I know it is hard when you are so exhuasted, but eating properly will help... do you take vitamin supplements?

Once your DS starts walking and taking 1 nap, your life will be much easier. And when he starts to talk, things will improve again. I find it much more rewarding (although more tiring) interacting with a busy toddler than a little baby.

Things I do with DS (to keep myself sane as much as for his benefit):

Playgroup
Drop in center
Walk to the park
Feed the ducks
Music class
Walk (almost every day, often with no destination in mind)
Swimming
Trip to library/ borders
Story time at the bookshop
Playdate at home or a friend's house
Museum (on a free day)
Zoo

My DS went in the baby swings (bucket type) from 4 months old - he was quite comfortable... If you have baby swings near you, maybe you could put him in one of those. Or hold him on your knee while you have a go on a swing yourself - you might enjoy it!

Are there any MNers you could meet up with?

Hi there, nice to see that all the PC lot have pulled their neck's in.

You keep at it chick, good luck with the GP today, don't take the brush off from them.

We're thinking of ya. xxx p.s. let's no where you are. xxx

thanks mamama that's really helped. i know it isn't clever leaving ds on his own but there isn't anything he can hurt himself on and part of me thought other mums must have done this too, then after the responses on here i thought god i am even worse than i thought cos no one else has done this. i love the newborn age cos they just eat and sleep and want to be cuddled, and then the toddler age when you can actually play with them. but i hate this inbetweeny bit where he wants to be entertained but there isn't really a lot that will entertain him bar putting him in front of the tv all day which i don't want to do.

off to the doctors in a bit so wish me luck.

I really admire you, doing a course and working nights. More than I would have done.
Don't beat yourself up about sleeping when he was playing. Nothing happened. We are all learning, thats the thing with this job. It changes and tests us constantly. None of us get it right all the time.
Good that your going to the GP, talk to the Health Visitor as well, they might be more clued up on support groups and mothers groups in your area.
Have a think about what you want from your GP before you go, and US is right, don't be fobbed off. They should at least point in the right direction of some real help. If they reach for the prescription pad immediately, I'd question what else is available first. Good luck xx

went to the doctors and he's done the usual tests like iron levels and for my thyroid, but he also tested for diabetes. i said i was feeling a bit down and like i wasn't coping but thought it was too late on for pnd. he said it wasn't too late at all and that he could give me some ADs, but part of me thinks is that just the easy way out for the doctor to prescribe anti-depressants?i said i'd wait and see what the blood test results came back with first anyway.

maybe i should just face up to the fact i am not one of these women who can be a mum, have a job and study all at once and do it when ds is at school or something?

i don't want his first memories to be of me zombied out and him playing by himself.

If your dr (and you, of course) think you need ADs, there is nothing wrong with taking them. A baby needs a happy mummy and if that is what helps you get through this difficult time, then that is great.

If you do decide to take them, they won't make you 'zombied-out' - they might make you feel nauseous, tired & generally a bit hungover for a week or so, but after that they should start to help.

There is no shame in getting help when you need it. I don't think you are a bad mother at all - just saying that you are feeling this way s a big step and seeing the doctor shows that you want to get better for you and your DS.

You're right, the stage your DS is at, is hard. Do try to enjoy it if you can though - I spent so much of DS's younger days wishing he would do more and, now that he can (and does), I find myself wishing I had appreciated those days a bit more!

Chin up - things will get better. Keep us posted, won't you?

pink, well done for getting to the doctor. I just wanted to say, I believe you said earlier your thyroid IS underactive already? I think it's really worth making the dr take you through your thyroid result in detail; make sure he is looking at your TSH level as well as your thyriod level; Raised TSH level indicates that your brain is getting signals from the body that you need more thyroxine. So even if your actual thyroid level is within the range of normal, it's still possible you might need more thyroxine if your TSH levels are raised.

I also think in your position, if everything else is normal, I would consider taking the AD's. Just to give yourself every chance of feeling better; you owe it to yourself and your DS to do that.

You DO have an awful lot on. Is there any way you can defer your studies for a while; sometimes this can be done and it doesn't mean you lose your place or don't complete the course, just that you get a break.

I take it you have to work all the hours you do financially - no scope to reduce hours?

I definitely think you did the right thing posting here and going to the dr; you're starting to deal with it. I really think sleeping for 2 hours in the day when your baby is up, is a risk you don't need to be running so you are wise to get some help. Good luck.

meant to make clear, obv. I am not a dr but that thyroid scenario happened to me and I've written it exactly as it was explained to me by my GP.

oh pinky! " i should just face up to the fact i am not one of these women who can be a mum, have a job and study all at once ". Do these women exist in RL?! Don't try to meet some media-myth of the 'having it all woman', they are few and far between, if at all sweetie!
I'm not against ADs at all, just about them being handed out willy-nilly as they were in my experience.
For what its worth, I think you seem to be handling things really well.

I am not surprised you are tired you do have a lot to cope with. I found the first 6 months quite easy so I stupidly signed up for a postgraduate course when ds was 5 months, by the time he was 9 months I had given it up as I just could not cope and I am not a single parent. I remember when ds was around 8 months I would find it hard to stimulate him, the easiest thing would be to take him out for walks and to the shops but there is only so much of that you can do. I would try a soft play area or maybe take him swimming. Keep inviting your friends over as seeing other people keeps you sane, cook for them if you are finding it too expensive.

I too think you're coping well. You are doing so much at once, like trying to juggling everything and do it all successfully.

Well done for going to the docs. Each day as it comes and good luck X

last thing i want to add is that these days with our little ones are precious and we never get them back, so don't be hard on yourself for not doing it all. You sound like a good mum. Good luck xx

Sounds to me as though you have a lot to handle with work and study. How many hours of each are you doing?

I personally would not have been able to cope with both I don't think, unless both added up to less than 30 hours a week, so I am not suprised you are struggling. You are doing it all to build a better future for both of you so you should feel proud of yourself and I admire you for this. If you wanted to defer the studying for a year or so if things are too much, is that an option?

I'm a GP. Pink please please believe me when I say that your GP is not suggesting antidepressants as an easy way out. He is suggesting them because they work. Would it be an "easy way out" if he suggested antibiotics for a chest infection?

When people become depressed (and you have PLENTY of reasons to be depressed), the levels of serotonin in the brain are reduced. This is part of depression. Antidepressants basically raise the levels of serotonin back to normal. It's a bit like taking a vitamin supplement for a vitamin deficiency.

If I had a pound for every patient I've seen who's been reluctant to take antidepressants for ages, then taken them and been thrilled with the result, I'd be sunning myself on my own Caribbean island now!

You sound depressed to me. You have a huge amount of stress in your life, you feel constantly exhausted, you find it hard to find enjoyment in things, you have low self-esteem. This is textbook depression.

If you take medication for it you will get better, and this period in your life will become just a bad memory.

thankyou everyone so much. i'm crying here reading this now everyone is so supportive. i honestly don't know what i would have done if i'd never discovered MN! my friends all think i'm this wonderful mum and they just don't have a clue. one of my friends has a friend with a baby and when she talks about her friend i just feel so inadequate and think why can't i be like that!

its got to the stage where i know this has to be sorted out because soon he will be moving around and it would be very dangerous to sleep while he was awake.

i know it will become easier when he is moving around and using more energy because he should hopefully have a much longer afternoon nap. its just the stop gap between now and then.

will keep you posted!