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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Working out custody of a newborn

37 replies

pyjamapyjama · 20/12/2016 16:47

Hoping someone who's been in my situation can help, anyone in my family has been married/together when having a baby.

I'm due my first baby in a few weeks and have recently split up with the baby's dad. To avoid drip feeding, we had been arguing constantly, trust issues and with this pregnancy being unplanned he couldn't handle it and had suffered from depression throughout the last few months as he thinks he's losing his freedom etc. I did really try to make it work with him but it just isn't working at all so I'd rather go alone.

Anyway, he says he wants to be involved with the baby (although he hasnt bought anything for him. His dad bought a crib but he hasnt set it up at his house or prepared anything.), says he's looked into how much child support he has to pay and that he'll pay me that so I can buy nappies etc. But it'll be me paying nursery fees etc when I finish mat leave. I'll be living at home with my parents when baby arrives and I want to discuss contact with him. Personally I dont think my baby should be without me overnight for the first few months, i'm planning on breastfeeding. But he says I can express and problem solved. I'm just worried about him going there overnight, and about possibly being unable to express if its too sore etc.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about discussing it or be able to tell me what their schedule for a newborn is/was? Thanks in advance!!

OP posts:

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midcenturymodern · 01/01/2017 16:55

Like a PP said, I think this will go away on it's own. If he wants access that you don't agree with he can apply to the courts. Nobody will make a breastfed newborn have overnight contact with someone who doesn't even have a cot.
He doesn't get to decide if child support is spent on nappies or nursery fees.

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KnittedBlanketHoles · 01/01/2017 17:01

I wouldn't bother arguing about access before baby is born. I'd try to relax about what he had bought present birth too. I think it's true that for as lot of women the baby feels real from the moment of conception and for a man it's more from the moment of birth/bonding, so maybe give him a chance. And what stuff does an unborn baby need?

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QuandryQueen · 01/01/2017 17:04

I'd be insisting on no separation (bar the odd short stroll in the park) from mum for the first 3 months. He can do frequent short visits to your home to spend time with the baby / bathe him etc. Daily if needs be. I'd then say you will reasses at the 3 month mark.

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BertieBotts · 01/01/2017 19:03

You have to start slowly. It's not just about your feelings as a mum although that is also important, it's about what's best for the baby. Passing a newborn around every weekend isn't fair on them because it's not how they bond. It's different for older children who can understand what's going on.

You would start off with short visits several times a week which would take place at your house (preferably) or in a neutral location, you'd be present. It wouldn't have to be long because little and often is really key. As baby gets older Dad can do more tasks and you could be less directly involved, perhaps being in another room but still in the house. Once they are going a couple of hours between feeds reliably he could begin to take them out, if he wanted. You don't need to express until your supply is more established.

Parenting isn't just about getting the fun bits immediately. He's going to have to work at the relationship if he wants it to succeed. Likewise if you want their relationship to succeed you have to let him try (within reason). Don't rush in to solve all his problems if the baby is unsettled with him. It will be good for all three of you if Dad has a chance to learn his own ways to settle him. Obviously if you feel that he's being inappropriate or if he isn't trying then that would be different.

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Gallavich · 01/01/2017 19:10

He should be seeing the baby little and often. 1-2 hours 4-7 days a week is the aim. That should be at home with you for the first 6 weeks minimum, then he can start to take him out for a short walk or something on his own (assuming you trust him, he's shown up to every contact and hasn't behaved like a dick)
Longer contacts will come way down the line (like 6 months plus) and overnights might be considered at that time too depending on how he is fed. If breastfed then he won't have overnights until he's night weaned or 1 year old, whichever comes first.
I'm suggesting this because that's what carcass would probably recommend if he went to court.
If he's likely to behave like a dick to you then you can either ask a family member to be there during contacts or don't allow contact to that level.

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Marmalade85 · 01/01/2017 19:14

Agree with PP. little and often is what is recommended for small babies. No overnights. A newborn has to be fed every two hours even during the night, does he realise this?

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Starlight2345 · 01/01/2017 20:56

Baby is due in 2 weeks. But as you know may not appear for a couple of weeks after that.

I would try and relax. I wouldn't be discussing it particularly anymore his requests are completely unreasonable. Try and relax...Is he attending the birth because I would have concerns about anyone who Dictates the way this baby is having access to be in the room when you are at your most vulnerable.

A good relationship with both parents is great however..If you are just continually talking about access or what he hasn't bought I would certainly back away until after the baby is born.

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pyjamapyjama · 01/01/2017 23:37

Knitted if he expected 50/50 straightaway I'd hope he'd have at least basic baby essentials like a bath, towels, bedding/blankets, even a changing pad by the time I could go into labour. I have these things at my mum's where I'm staying just now, but not joking when I say he has zilch. Fair enough there's things that don't need doubled up like a car seat or clothes etc but I think it's a bit worrying that he expected overnights when he has nothing prepared at all

Bertie it's the bonding I'm worried about most, I know babies need their mums and the thought of my baby being away from me with people he doesn't know/hasnt bonded with and being scared terrifies me!

I'm definitely not going to discuss it anymore with him because it just ends in an argument, the last I left it was that he'd be welcome for contact at my mum's and we'd agree a proper schedule once baby is here and settled. Like i said I dont know anything about the court system etc and as much as I'd prefer to avoid having to go to court it's really reassuring knowing he wouldn't get immediate overnights that way.

Starlight the plan is to have him at the birth along with my mum, but now it's getting closer I'm a bit worried about it because I'm not convinced he'll be supportive in the way that I'll need during labour!! If Im honest I'm half expecting him to not show up till the last minute at the birth, any time Ive needed to go to MAU, even when we were together, including a time I fainted on the stairs and hurt my bump (thankfully baby was fine) , he's always left me to it and said "if anything's wrong let me know and I'll drive down" (Sorry I'm just venting now)

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pklme · 02/01/2017 07:49

So you'll have your mum and him during labour. If he plays up, the midwives will get him to leave if you ask him to.
Don't push him to get equipment- it will be a waste as by the time you feel ready for overnights he won't need it. He should be buying the equipment for you, not himself. The car seat, pram and changing bag go with baby wherever she goes.
Has he been to any antenatal classes? Read any baby care books?

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ICJump · 02/01/2017 07:56

In labour you need to feel calm and. Comfortable. Personally even a lovely ex would have done my head in.

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PossumInAPearTree · 02/01/2017 08:00

Don't have him at the birth. I can't emphasise enough how relaxed and supported and safe you need to feel in order for your labour to progress. Hormones play a massive part. Having someone who makes you feel a bit on edge won't be good. Plus do you want someone you're not in a relationship with seeing you naked, etc? Just have your mum. He can come afterwards.

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Gallavich · 02/01/2017 08:01

If he gets arsey with you even once in front of the baby you tell him to back the fuck off until he can be mature and put the baby first. If he can't do that then don't allow him contact until he proves he can put the baby's needs above his own wishes.