Working out custody of a newborn

[pyjamapyjama]

Hoping someone who's been in my situation can help, anyone in my family has been married/together when having a baby.

I'm due my first baby in a few weeks and have recently split up with the baby's dad. To avoid drip feeding, we had been arguing constantly, trust issues and with this pregnancy being unplanned he couldn't handle it and had suffered from depression throughout the last few months as he thinks he's losing his freedom etc. I did really try to make it work with him but it just isn't working at all so I'd rather go alone.

Anyway, he says he wants to be involved with the baby (although he hasnt bought anything for him. His dad bought a crib but he hasnt set it up at his house or prepared anything.), says he's looked into how much child support he has to pay and that he'll pay me that so I can buy nappies etc. But it'll be me paying nursery fees etc when I finish mat leave. I'll be living at home with my parents when baby arrives and I want to discuss contact with him. Personally I dont think my baby should be without me overnight for the first few months, i'm planning on breastfeeding. But he says I can express and problem solved. I'm just worried about him going there overnight, and about possibly being unable to express if its too sore etc.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about discussing it or be able to tell me what their schedule for a newborn is/was? Thanks in advance!!

[Gallavich]

If he gets arsey with you even once in front of the baby you tell him to back the fuck off until he can be mature and put the baby first. If he can't do that then don't allow him contact until he proves he can put the baby's needs above his own wishes.

[PossumInAPearTree]

Don't have him at the birth. I can't emphasise enough how relaxed and supported and safe you need to feel in order for your labour to progress. Hormones play a massive part. Having someone who makes you feel a bit on edge won't be good. Plus do you want someone you're not in a relationship with seeing you naked, etc? Just have your mum. He can come afterwards.

[ICJump]

In labour you need to feel calm and. Comfortable. Personally even a lovely ex would have done my head in.

[pklme]

So you'll have your mum and him during labour. If he plays up, the midwives will get him to leave if you ask him to.
Don't push him to get equipment- it will be a waste as by the time you feel ready for overnights he won't need it. He should be buying the equipment for you, not himself. The car seat, pram and changing bag go with baby wherever she goes.
Has he been to any antenatal classes? Read any baby care books?

[pyjamapyjama]

Knitted if he expected 50/50 straightaway I'd hope he'd have at least basic baby essentials like a bath, towels, bedding/blankets, even a changing pad by the time I could go into labour. I have these things at my mum's where I'm staying just now, but not joking when I say he has zilch. Fair enough there's things that don't need doubled up like a car seat or clothes etc but I think it's a bit worrying that he expected overnights when he has nothing prepared at all

Bertie it's the bonding I'm worried about most, I know babies need their mums and the thought of my baby being away from me with people he doesn't know/hasnt bonded with and being scared terrifies me!

I'm definitely not going to discuss it anymore with him because it just ends in an argument, the last I left it was that he'd be welcome for contact at my mum's and we'd agree a proper schedule once baby is here and settled. Like i said I dont know anything about the court system etc and as much as I'd prefer to avoid having to go to court it's really reassuring knowing he wouldn't get immediate overnights that way.

Starlight the plan is to have him at the birth along with my mum, but now it's getting closer I'm a bit worried about it because I'm not convinced he'll be supportive in the way that I'll need during labour!! If Im honest I'm half expecting him to not show up till the last minute at the birth, any time Ive needed to go to MAU, even when we were together, including a time I fainted on the stairs and hurt my bump (thankfully baby was fine) , he's always left me to it and said "if anything's wrong let me know and I'll drive down" (Sorry I'm just venting now)

[Starlight2345]

Baby is due in 2 weeks. But as you know may not appear for a couple of weeks after that.

I would try and relax. I wouldn't be discussing it particularly anymore his requests are completely unreasonable. Try and relax...Is he attending the birth because I would have concerns about anyone who Dictates the way this baby is having access to be in the room when you are at your most vulnerable.

A good relationship with both parents is great however..If you are just continually talking about access or what he hasn't bought I would certainly back away until after the baby is born.

[Marmalade85]

Agree with PP. little and often is what is recommended for small babies. No overnights. A newborn has to be fed every two hours even during the night, does he realise this?

[Gallavich]

He should be seeing the baby little and often. 1-2 hours 4-7 days a week is the aim. That should be at home with you for the first 6 weeks minimum, then he can start to take him out for a short walk or something on his own (assuming you trust him, he's shown up to every contact and hasn't behaved like a dick)
Longer contacts will come way down the line (like 6 months plus) and overnights might be considered at that time too depending on how he is fed. If breastfed then he won't have overnights until he's night weaned or 1 year old, whichever comes first.
I'm suggesting this because that's what carcass would probably recommend if he went to court.
If he's likely to behave like a dick to you then you can either ask a family member to be there during contacts or don't allow contact to that level.

[BertieBotts]

You have to start slowly. It's not just about your feelings as a mum although that is also important, it's about what's best for the baby. Passing a newborn around every weekend isn't fair on them because it's not how they bond. It's different for older children who can understand what's going on.

You would start off with short visits several times a week which would take place at your house (preferably) or in a neutral location, you'd be present. It wouldn't have to be long because little and often is really key. As baby gets older Dad can do more tasks and you could be less directly involved, perhaps being in another room but still in the house. Once they are going a couple of hours between feeds reliably he could begin to take them out, if he wanted. You don't need to express until your supply is more established.

Parenting isn't just about getting the fun bits immediately. He's going to have to work at the relationship if he wants it to succeed. Likewise if you want their relationship to succeed you have to let him try (within reason). Don't rush in to solve all his problems if the baby is unsettled with him. It will be good for all three of you if Dad has a chance to learn his own ways to settle him. Obviously if you feel that he's being inappropriate or if he isn't trying then that would be different.

[QuandryQueen]

I'd be insisting on no separation (bar the odd short stroll in the park) from mum for the first 3 months. He can do frequent short visits to your home to spend time with the baby / bathe him etc. Daily if needs be. I'd then say you will reasses at the 3 month mark.

[KnittedBlanketHoles]

I wouldn't bother arguing about access before baby is born. I'd try to relax about what he had bought present birth too. I think it's true that for as lot of women the baby feels real from the moment of conception and for a man it's more from the moment of birth/bonding, so maybe give him a chance. And what stuff does an unborn baby need?

[midcenturymodern]

Like a PP said, I think this will go away on it's own. If he wants access that you don't agree with he can apply to the courts. Nobody will make a breastfed newborn have overnight contact with someone who doesn't even have a cot.
He doesn't get to decide if child support is spent on nappies or nursery fees.

[pklme]

In the early weeks baby needs to stay home near you for feeding and because he won't be able to be as sensitive to her as you initially. LO is familiar with the sound and smell of you, the rhythm of your walk etc. If he were living with you then LO would learn him too, but he is not. It really matters that those early weeks are stress free for you to help you recover from the birth, the end of the pregnancy, and to establish feeding and sleeping. All that will be disrupted if he misbehaves.

That said, after a week or so, he could come every evening and give LO a bath and get ready for bed. That would give you an hour's peace and help them bond. It was my DHs job every day, as I hurt my back and couldn't do it. It was great for both DH and DS to have that time together which he was completely responsible for.

It won't take long before you are both ready for LO to go out with him for a couple of hours, a couple of times a week.

It would be a shame to double up all that equipment though...

[pyjamapyjama]

Thank you all for the responses!

Update - baby due in 2 weeks and he hasn't bought anything. Hasnt set up his cot or made any arrangements, says baby can nap in his carry cot at his house, however he'll say he still thinks he can have him overnight at his house ?

FTMum I'm hoping he'll be like your DDs dad and realise how hard itll be and give up on the idea that he'll be having so much contact so early on.

[Cakeycakecake]

My ds is almost 5months and dad takes him at least once a week for about 4hrs. We started at 1 and a half but quickly increased it to 2. From there he's taken it as I'm comfortable with, so now working to increase to 5/6hrs with a view to overnights when I'm properly ready. Baby is formula fed.

In fairness, his dad is and always has been a truly wonderful father to him. He's proven himself to me over and over, and we get along really well now despite the initial DNA

Op in your circumstances I'd play it by ear as you feel when your baby arrives. Don't set it in stone yet. I thought I'd not be letting ds go off for months when in reality he was about 7weeks old and I'd seen nappy changes bottle feeds bath times etc to reassure me.
If your ex wants to be involved properly he will respect your boundaries and want to do things to create a positive coparenting relationship. I have an older child who's dad isn't involved so I've seen both sides. I prefer this a million times over. Good luck x

[FTMum2016]

I was in the exact same boat, we split when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant her dad said he was going to take me to court to have her for half a week every week. As I was breastfeeding he came to my parents house to see her for 1 hour on a Tuesday and Thursday evening and the only thing that has changed is he takes her to his mums for 2 hours on a Saturday and that started a couple of months ago. She's nearly 6 months and he hasn't asked for any extra contact yet. Don't panic too much until babys here as things change and if he's anything like my ex he will change his tune once he realises how hard it is :)

[queenbeeee]

I dont think any mother should be away from there new born overnight at the very least until 6 months old. Breast feeding or not. If your ex is really committed to your unborn child why hasn't he brought anything? That is not on I bet you have already brought things for your baby. I wouldn't stand for that start as you mean to go on planned or unplanned you both still have a child that you Both need to look after for the rest of your life.so don't let him get of lightly he has a duty to your baby. Do you get on okay with him if you do maybe he could stay overnight a few times at your yous on the sofa of course that way he can spend time with the baby even do a night feed or something its important that they both bond with one another. My advice to you would be to wait and see how you feel and don't allow him to push you into letting the baby spend the night with him if your not ready. Dont set anything in stone because when your child is born you might feel very differently. You will know when you are ready but make him contribute. Its so not on if he doesn't but still wants to be treated as a trustworthy father.

[BlackeyedSusan]

new born has known nothing but being inside you, your smell, your voice, your taste. dad is a stranger at first. little and often contact so that baby will get to know dad and dad needs of baby. my dad used to have my children sleeping on his shoulder when they were babies so they got used to him really quickly as well. )one of mine would only sleep comfortably propped up over a shoulder and one with rocking) maybe dc's dad can try that at first. if he is not an arse like my ex who could not cope with a crying baby

[ZuzaPa]

There are good fb groups for lone parents where lots would have dealt with this. He is deluded if he thinks having the baby overnight is even an option so early on. Baby will be attached to you. Literally. I tried expressing (didn't work out im sorry I wasted time trying) and no hope would my lo take a bottle... but thats not even the issue. Baby should not be separated from the mother (or primary carer) overnight until 3 years old. He has every right to be given the opportunity to bond... and Learn... if he can prove he's going to be a constant & put best interests of baby first, then wonderful... but he has to show it... and alot of what ive seen is the father takes it personally against him... ' I can't have my newborn overnight, poor me' then getting angry, making unreasonable demands, then being threatening with money.... hopefully won't come to that.

Above all, on both sides, it always has to be about best interests of baby.

[JellyWitch]

Breastfeed - as long term as you can. That's definitely an extra point in your corner. Newborns need to be with their mothers; there is no way I would even leave my 2 year old overnight (she still nurses on demand, especially at night).

Expressing doesn't work for everyone and definitely isn't something you should be doing for the father's sake.

If he wants to build a relationship with the child, that can be done without him/her needing to be apart from you in the early months. You can work out as that time goes on how much time is right for the baby to spend apart from you. If he can provide some of the childcare when you return to work, you might find you achieve a natural point to do this?

[ageingrunner]

You need to concentrate on looking after the baby and yourself. You're the boss here. Don't let your ex dictate terms. They can gradually build a relationship as the baby gets older.

[pyjamapyjama]

Thank you for the replies everyone. Definitely reassured me that baby's best place is with me!!

heirhelp the nipple confusion thing was something else that concerned me, I'm worried about getting the hang of b/f so don't want to make it even harder

Happyhedgehog - Having to leave my screaming baby with rock hard painful boobs with an ex who was clueless on how to comfort DC felt like having a bit of my insides ripped out. It's the worst feeling in the world. - this couldn't be worded better it's exactly how I know I'd feel if I agreed to the overnights straightaway

I want to give my ex the chance to bond with his son but itll definitely be with me. Since its my first baby and I wasnt expecting to be a single mum before my baby is born, i wasnt sure of how it all worked and how custody should be arranged! The whole thing's really overwhelming

[HappyHedgehog247]

What everybody else has said. I posted on here under a different name at the time and thought everyone sounded harsh and that I(and ex) were different and we could sort it all out in cosy chats.

CMS is there for a reason. We still haven't actualky gone through them but used their calculator to agree an amount.

Re contact. Don't agree anything right now. You have no idea how you will feel. I used to be v feminist/equal opportunist. Having to leave my screaming baby with rock hard painful boobs with an ex who was clueless on how to comfort DC felt like having a bit of my insides ripped out. It's the worst feeling in the world.

You can always grant more contact but it's very hard to reduce once established so start small and build as he gets confident and yoy get comfortable.

[Starlight2345]

I suggest you change your wording...You are talking about arranging access...A new born stays with mum. little and often visits are encouraged.

As for maintenance CMS is the legal minimum ..However how it is spent is up to you. Do you think he has calculated it correctly? Do you think he wants to overnights to reduce maintenance.

I also advise to try and keep contact to a minimum as baby not here..( though realise it won't be long) nothing to discuss till baby is here.. LAst few weeks get as much rest as you can

[Heirhelp]

It is also advised not to introduce a bottle to a breast feed baby before 6 weeks as it can cause nipple confusion.

I agree that a young baby should not be separated from it's primary carer.

After birth you will be tired, emotional and trying to establish breast feeding. You can dictate when he can come and visit baby but I strongly suggest that you have somebody else there as a gate keeper. If you don't want to feed in front of him and baby needs feeding them take your baby upstairs. You are in charge. If he is unhappy with access then he can go to court. For at least first 6 week just focusing on establishing breast feeding.

I would also mention your concerns to your health visitor.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck.