reaaonable house hold responsibility onto teens

[BumDNC]

I wonder if anyone is in the same boat
Been on my own for about 7 years now just me and DC. Eldest is 14. She is difficult to live with at times as I am sure am I.
We've had a bit of a difficult time lately where she is very angry that I expect 'too much from her' and not as much from my 12yo DC. I think this is true in some ways that DD1 is much more messy.
I'm wondering if I do expect too much. They have jobs allocated to them but I am constantly nagging and there are always rows about it which is depressing us all. She claims I ask too much. I don't think I do.
She uses no intiative and resents everything she is expected to do, so doesn't make any effort to do anything unless asked, then complains I have asked. 12yo will just do the jobs without moaning but never without being asked.

There is only one adult and they are quite capable at their age but she clearly feels like I am putting adult responsibility onto her.

I do all cooking, ironing, washing, drying of clothes, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, hoovering, shopping and work full time. Then I drive them around etc

After school they do nothing in the house until I get home. They are alone for 1 hour.

The jobs I have allocated to them are: alternate washing up duties (one one night, the other the next), putting away the dry washing up, changing cat litter tray, tidying up their rooms, changing the little bins around the house, putting own washing away. Also cleaning up mess they make if they make food (like toast) in the kitchen. They do these so reluctantly that I have no hope of teaching them to cook or do their own washing.
I'm exhausted from doing 80% of everything and fighting about the other 20%.
Whereas DD feels she is doing the majority of everything.
A rota hasn't worked for us. I've taken half a days leave today to do the housework because it's such a mess and I have visitors this weekend.

Advice?

You are being absolutely within your rights to make them do these chores. As long as you ensure you enforce them fairly between siblings, you're golden. Your daughter is just whinging

The chores are evenly split but DD1 makes more mess, so she always seems to have more to do iyswim

There are 3 of you in the house so everyone needs to pitch in. I wouldn't discuss it further. These are the tasks, she will be doing them and the wireless password will be changed overnight and not made available until the jobs are done. Has she thought what life is like for a young carer, who would do much more than this? You didn't chose to be on your own with all the chores and you shouldn't be using annual leave to tidy up when you could be using it to do something nice.

Doesn't seem to matter what I impose as a sanction, it's the fact we can't get around the principal which is the issue. So nothing changes for very long as she refuses to see my viewpoint. She will just retaliate 'why did you have kids if you don't like looking after them?' And we go round in circles until I am utterly miserable I asked in the first place.

Just because she's whining doesn't mean you're wrong. It's no different from when she was four and saying she were the worst mummy in the world for saying no sweeties until after she has eaten dinner. It's developmentally normal for fourteen year olds to feel hard done by.

We all just continue to be miserable - how do I break this cycle is what I think I need to work out.

Ok so when she doesn't do her chores do you do them? What would happen if you left them and she hadn't no clean dishes, no clean laundry, etc? Or what if you announced you were only doing as much as she did so there was no food bought no meals cook etc so she could see why it matters that everyone pitches in.

I think you have to pick your battles, OP. I was on my own with two teenagers, too, and felt the house was very unbalanced with more teenagers than adults in it.

First, I wouldn't expect them to start housework when they come in from school, but if they do have a snack, then I'd want that cleaned up before I got home.

Would it work if you all did an hour's housework on Saturday morning just before they got their pocket money? I found that got my two shifting more than anything else. Put some music on, timer on and everyone goes for it for an hour.

I totally know I am going about this all in the wrong way

But they take responsibility for nothing so I am ALWAYS nagging. I even have to remind them to bath. Then get grumbled at for that.

I've tried doing it all myself - it's awful. I do not mind doing the lion share but I feel like a slave picking up after people just lying there watching me do it. And I've tried not doing it at all - they don't care. We had no cups, plates or cutlery for a whole week once and they just rinsed it off reused it and then left it somewhere. It is like living in a uni house - mess is one thing, it's actually dirty at times.

I don't expect after school and never have. But I get in at 5, maybe with shopping and they are waiting for me for food like little birds, having trashed the kitchen I ALREADY CLEANED, with their laundry chucked all over the house. It's disrespectful and disgusting. And I don't like the way they talk to me when I try to deal with it.
So I have done all the housework on my half day today so it's all calm. But by Sunday I will end up doing it again. Then working full time it's just too much to keep on top of - taking 3/4 hours in the evening to cook, clean and organise - I am only asking for 30 mins a day of their time.

They currently don't get any pocket money because they don't help.
If they help they would get it

I had to go to the GP yesterday after work as I was unwell. I drove them home from school and left some shopping on the table in a rush for my appointment and said 'I will be back soon, please have a little tidy' to both of them. I got home and they had just let the frozen food melt all over the table, made a mess making other food, lying in bed in their phones then complained dinner was at 6.30 and not 5.30, then DD1 complained I hadn't washed her clothes from last weekend. DD2 was supposed to wash up as her turn but as I fell asleep on the sofa at 8pm (feeling quite unwell) she thought I wouldn't notice.
And we go round in a circle. Internet is off but thy are just angry with me

You need a family meeting, don't you? Is there someone they respect, eg a friend of yours or your mum or sister that could be there to back you up? They're behaving in a really cruel way towards you, as though they're punishing you for something. What about their friends? Do you get on with any of their friends' mums? Just wondering what they do.

Once I came home from work, saw the mess and started to cry. I got back into my car and told them to text me when it was sorted - I wouldn't come home otherwise. After an hour I got a texted apology and got home to find they'd cleaned it up.

That's how I felt and I did cry this morning!
My sister can and will mediate. I have asked daddy dearest to have them a little extra this weekend and because I never ask, he can see I am cracking up and has helped me out

I found pointing out to my 12 year old exactly what I do every day, in mind-numbing detail, really helped. I could literally see it click that he doesn't do everything. I also made it clear that if he wouldn't do his allocated jobs, I would stop doing mine. I was prepared to refuse to wash clothes and not cook for him. He now knows it could be worse!

Oh poor you. It's far worse because you are ill too

I have found with teens the battles come because I have different standards from them. So allocating tasks like clean the bathroom or tidy your rooms massively pissed me off because they are happy to live in a pigsty and I am not although you probably wouldn't think so if you came round and saw the mess .

The solution for me has been very clear demarcation lines and very clear instructions. e.g. You said to your girls Just have a tidy up . To a teenager's ears that translates as Just have a bla dsflhjeogfhbaiu bla bla iygfI . If you had said explicitly put the frozen stuff in the freezer within 3 minutes they might have done it. I also found that to be fair it helped to have an age limit warning in advance e.g. telling them at 13 you clean your own football boots, at 14 you change your own bedclothes, at 16 you do your own ironing, so they had plenty of warning that it would become their job. Then I had to ignore it if they went to school in rumpled clothes or slept in unmade beds until they decided it mattered to them.

I decided not to care if their bedrooms are a pit. I just shut their doors so I don't see. However they do now care if they look good. So they do their own laundry and ironing. Shared household tasks are usually negotiated through bribery, e.g. so if you want a lift to Z's house tonight you need to have finished hoovering by 5 o'clock

Don't despair. It feels pretty universal that teens have very different standards from their parents but they do grow up. Ds1 amazed me on his last visit home from university by announcing that he felt he should contribute towards his stay at home by doing exra housework and gardening. I took him up on his offer.

I need to be more direct. I am still feeling cross because despite 'family meeting' and agreement all round about the fairness of my request, DD2 has decided to be foul and when asked to wash up tonight - 3 days after it was supposed to be her turn - slammed everything around in the kitchen then claimed she had a headache and left half of it

I half give up
I'm still ill myself

I don't know how they get spoilt when I am not spoiling them, I'm insisting they do it. I made her come back and finish it later on. I hate the nagging. I don't want to be a nagging mother. I wouldn't make my kids leave home over it they are kids one is only 12, I don't think throwing them out over washing up is a solution it's a deeper issue of them not appreciating things I agree on that, but demanding they leave just leaves them homeless (not sure where they would live?) and me without my children.

A lot of people on MN know exactly how to bring up perfect polite hardworking teens, Bum. Funnily enough those people never have teens themselves.

Your dds don't sound spoilt at all. They sound like normal teens/ pre teens. A bit lazy sometimes, a bit grumbly or sulky at others, but essentially nice, well-meaning and normal.

So, to survive the stormy years, pick your battles. I'd say you need to let some of the 'attitude' wash over you or you will be battling all the time. Choose what really matters such as a cooked meal and clean kitchen. Let other things go, such as messy bedroom.

Your family sound like a lovely team.