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Original poster

Told him to stop paying maintenance now feel like biggest idiot ever

22 replies

motheroreily · 06/12/2016 09:20

I left my ex about 18 months ago.

He was paying £140 a month. But about a year ago I told him to stop so he puts it into an isa for our son.

I know that was such a stupid thing to do and now I really really regret it. I told him to stop because he it was something he could use against me he used to say he was "funding my lifestyle" and would tell me I had to buy our son better clothes.

I also felt guilty because I left him and he never wanted a child so I guess I did it appease my guilt.

I left him because I was so unhappy. I knew he wouldn't leave our property so I had to leave. I pay all childcare and my rent is more than the mortgage we had (I stopped paying the mortgage)

Now I'm really struggling financially and feel like an idiot for telling him I didn't want the money. He still goes on at me all the time anyway and I still feel guilty all the time so it hasn't even helped with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
motheroreily · 06/12/2016 09:22

Sorry posted too soon. He'd have a go at me for not saving for our son so I told him to keep the maintenance then he could save how ever much and buy whatever clothes he wanted. Ahhh I've really cut off my nose to spite my face

OP posts:
Manumission · 06/12/2016 09:24

Renegotiate. You are free to.

Use CMS if necessary. Best to have an intermediary anyway when you're dealing with a manipulative arse like that, even if there are fees.

AnInfiniteOceanOfLight · 06/12/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Manumission · 06/12/2016 09:26

And if he starts just repeat "That was then, this is now. Things change. Costs increase. Our son's needs are what matter."

Repeat and detach.

tissuesosoft · 06/12/2016 09:27

Is the property in both your names? Could be an avenue to persue

Snowflake65 · 06/12/2016 09:28

As if £35 a week would be funding your lifestyle - your ex is a dick.

Ask him to start paying for his child again and if he refuses then go to CMS.

Starlight2345 · 06/12/2016 20:01

I agree ..Tell him you need the money ..If he refuses go to CMS...

I also think you need to find a way to deal with him. Were you married were you on the mortgage? if so get legal advise

You also need to work out how to deal with him..Does he have access if so...Drop off at door, do not let him in, ignore his put down comments. If he comments on clothes, what you spend your money on then ignore.

Distance is the key here.

corlan · 07/12/2016 19:29

'Funding your lifestyle' on £140 a month Shock

What a complete twat he is. I hope you can get something sorted out throught the CMS. If he ever says anything similar to you again, you should laugh in his face.

Original poster
motheroreily · 07/12/2016 20:20

Thank you all for your replies. I wasn't expecting everyone to say I was a fool for turning down the money when there are men who refuse to pay.

Yes we are married (although separated over a year) and house is in both our names - although he paid the deposit. I am going to start divorce process in the New Year.

He grinds me down. Everything I do is wrong. He has regular contact with our son. he sends me long messages about how I tore our family apart, I've got what I wanted etc etc so I said don't message me unless it's to do with contact for our son and he said "who are you to tell me I can't message you?" But I've not had a ranty text for a week so maybe he listened.

He's just impossible to negotiate with. It has to be his way

OP posts:
Original poster
motheroreily · 07/12/2016 20:21

*sorry just noticed a typo!

I meant i was expecting everyone to say I was a fool not I wasn't expecting

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 07/12/2016 20:37

When he sends the long texts just ignore... Only now reply to issues to do with contact child, it sounds like sols needs to deal with divorce.
If he frequently texts you all the time it can be considered harrassment depending on how often this goes on.

Emeralda · 07/12/2016 22:24

Be careful to get good legal advice and don't agree to anything about the house or money you might regret later while you're feeling ground down by him. Have you got a friend or family member who's not emotionally involved who could help? Would switching to email communication with him help? Can pickups and dropoffs be done on neutral territory? Basically anything to minimise direct communication with him.

greenfolder · 07/12/2016 22:26

So don't negotiate. Get the cms to take it.

Original poster
motheroreily · 09/12/2016 19:36

Thank you for your advice.

I'm sitting here worrying about it, feeling sick and I just need to face up to it

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 09/12/2016 21:43

For me I know sometimes worrying about what will happen is worse than dealing with what is happening.

Moving forward is putting him in your past.

Original poster
motheroreily · 10/12/2016 21:48

I did it. I asked for the maintenance to be reinstated.

He said he'd rather continue putting it in an isa so he knew I wasn't spending it down the local night club. But I said "you have my account details"

OP posts:
CanandWill · 10/12/2016 21:51

Good for you. If he doesn't pay you put it through CMS. You are entitled to it.

Pidlan · 10/12/2016 21:55

You've dealt with it very well OP Flowers

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 10/12/2016 22:00

Have you any proof the money is actually in the isa?

Original poster
motheroreily · 10/12/2016 22:05

No I haven't actually talkingof. I hadn't thought to ask but I will ask for proof.

My ex is difficult but in a strange way he does the right thing where our son is concerned so I didn't doubt him. But I will definitely ask to see proof

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 10/12/2016 22:22

Do it through the cms so it's official especially if your filing for divorce. It removes the likelihood of it becoming a bargaining tool or something to get in contact about...

Emeralda · 11/12/2016 20:54

Hmmm, proof wouldn't be enough for me, unless I had control over the account. I would do it officially via CMS too. He's already using the ISA as means to control you. What happens if you do something he doesn't like in future, like get married? What happens if he needs the money for something else in future, like getting married?
Facing up to it doesn't have to mean tackling it directly with him, if that's what you're worrying about. Try to sort out as much as possible via 3rd parties like the CMS. He won't like anything you suggest anyway, so why waste your energy? I mean that in a positive way.
Have you had legal advice on where you stand with the house?

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