How do you work Christmas if your ex lives hundreds of miles away from your kids?

[fi775]

This is my latest dilemma. 2 kids to my ex, we split nearly 3 years ago. When he split he moved 120 miles away.

Last 2 Christmas, he has come over for the morning and we have gone to my mums - too awkward to stay at my house. He leaves early afternoon/dinner time ish. We are amicable but not close or friend or anything.

This time last year I was seeing someone, fast forward to now and we are together in a proper relationship. I don't feel comfortable spending xmas morning with the ex now, even if I wasn't with my dp I wouldn't. Ex isn't really involved in kids life, we don't hear from him much really. Ds has special needs and ex is not involved in that what so ever. Doesn't even ask how appointments have gone or anything. I've given up on him but dcs obviously love him and I understand that. I also would never want to take xmas away from the ex and my kids.

Me and the ex were talking tonight about Christmas. He just assumed we would do the same as last year. I said no, I didn't feel comfortable with that this year.

What I offered was he comes to my mums house either xmas eve night or first thing xmas day morning. He has the morning at my mums with the kids. when he goes at lunch time I will then come to my mums and spend the rest of the day with them.

This literally breaks my heart that I'll miss seeing their reactions on xmas morning. They will have my presents too open. Ex will bring his and I will have mine. I think this is pretty fair really. I can't offer much more than that.

However the ex wasn't happy, he said I should be there too as it's what the kids know. He really kicked off about it. I've stood my ground and said I feel I'm being pretty fair and that I don't want to miss out but I just do not feel comfortable spending xmas together - meaning me and him. Last year he tried to kiss me and it was awful. I don't want any repeat of that, especially now I'm in a proper relationship.

Ex and my mum still get on fine, my mum has no problems with him staying at hers without me. He gets to spend his time with the kids one on one which I what I think is most important....am I missing something? It is he right to say I should be there too? He says I'm not putting the kids first which has well and truly pissed me off considering what he is like as a father. My kids are my whole world, i go through so much with my son.....he has no idea. So to tell me what has really angered me :-/

Bottom line is I'm sticking to what i feel is best, I just know he is going to make it difficult. Am I being unreasonable? Anyone else go through anything similar?

X

So his sticking point isn't that he is seeing them at your mum's, but that you won't be there?

Then he's being ridiculous. He doesn't get to choose whether or not you are there. He has his time with the children, that's it. This is for him to spend time with the children, not for him to spend time with you.

My ex can't even be bothered to visit the dcs this year. His solution? "I'll send you money so you can take the dcs shopping for their gifts."

Thank you Ginger, I just needed someone else's perspective. The point he's making about not putting the kids first has really got to me. And yes they probably will find it strange that I'm not there but let's face it, they are going to be more bothered about opening presents. I will make sure I FaceTime and then I'll be seeing them about. 11.30am anyway. He's just trying to be difficult and I realise that now.

Sorry to hear about your ex, wishing you and your dcs a wonderful Christmas, they will have the most important person with them and that's you x

Sounds to me like he's trying to manipulate you so that he gets to see you. I think just stick to what you've said and try not to let him get to you - easier said than done I know, but he is trying to get a rise out of you and hoping you'll give in so he gets what he wants.
If he was concerned about his DC then he would make more effort all year.
People seem to forget that kids are quite resilient and even if they were a bit bothered, it has to be this way - you can't carry on forever more spending time with him when it makes you uncomfortable. He sounds like a right arse!

He just says I'm putting my relationship before my kids. To be fair, if I wasn't with dp then yes I'd probably agree to do what we did last year and stay as far away from him during the day as I could. And yeah I think dp would probably feel abit upset if I did go and spend xmas morning with him. Only because of what happened last year when ex tried to kiss me. I was seeing dp at this point and ex knew about it but it didn't stop him. I just think the idea I've thought of is fair on everyone really. Ex gets some time with the kids, I'm not stuck with the ex and dp isn't getting worried that I'm spending time with the ex. I'm going to stick to my guns on this. Ex has just informed me he's cutting down the amount he sees the kids between now and xmas so he can work more and earn more money. Which means kids will only see their dad between 10 am and 4pm every other Sunday between now and xmas. I think he can well and truly do one.....knob head