Aibu to not let exp see son if he doesn't pay maintenance

[notdoingittomyson]

Quick background. We have been together on and off for 6years (We never lived together) all ways said he hair savings (good job) and a yr before I fell pregnant said he bought a house. All turned out to be lies! Said he had a gambling problem but never seen any evidence of this think that was a lie to! None of this came out until round about 20wk scan when u wanted to start buying things for baby. And he couldn't buy anything! I forgave him and decided to try and move on. The lies never stopped even over stupid things that didn't need to be lied about he would just randomly make stuff up for no reason! I had planned on moving in together to be a family that never happened! Fast forward to ds coming up to his 1st and I've had enough. Can count on both hands the amount of times he's contributed to the financial cost or bringing up ds. At the beginning he came every weeekend to see ds and that got less and less and he would blame me. Because I didn't txt or call him on said day. When he knew I was expecting cause already been spoke about. I have always asked for help with money to buy stuff for ds and it was always yes no prob I'll give xyz on x but would always have an excuse he forgot it, his card isn't working, he put in the wrong details when trying to transfer it etc etc. So ds 1st birthday was coming up 6wks before I had a chat said it was acceptable to carry on this way. That he need to stick to days to see ds and pay maintenance regularly! And if this didn't happen then he should just walk away and never come back. Because it's not fair in ds. And I said that this is what would happen if he didnt. He agreed and also agreed to pay to months back money for the amount we had agreed said he had it. (Which he should) would make regular payments the 1st of every month. He said he would bring the back money next wknd. That wknd came and gone he apologised. He said next wknd 100% ok that's fine. As expected still nothing. So I stoped responding. Eventually just before ds birthday he transferred the2 months back money we agreed to. Let him come and see ds. After that nothing so I said no to visits. He hardly asks. Think it's only if he's not put with friends etc. Stoped replying to txt/calls etc so he turned up at house I said no he couldn't see ds. And said he had to set up direct-debit before he could. Said he did this but because all he does is lie I said not until it's actually went into my account he set it up for the next month so again he was missing the month he was in. Gets to date I say he can see ds on x date date after money suppose to be transferred. All agreed. Surprise surprise no money. He txt me to ask what time to come over I said don't bother. He said it had came out and was coming over to show he did. Waved his phone in front of my face and said he called the bank and it would be in my account on the Monday. But the money had left his etc etc. I knew it was lies. But said ok well u can see him. Monday. He left angry obviously. Monday came and went. that was weeks ago and still nothing. So aibu to think you either help raise ds emotionally and financially or not at all? Because my dad did that to me would only see him birthday and xmas same month and that was it. I don't want the for my ds I think I would of been better not seeing my dad at all! My ds doesn't even know his dad. So is it not best to cut contact just now? Again exp has good job there should be nothing stopping him. He says he wants to see him and help but then it never happens. Apart from when he feels like turning up ! Sorry it's so long didn't want to drip feed and I've ended up rambling!

Speaking as a single parent yabu. Money and maintenance are two separate issues, money should never be used as a reason to stop contact. I regularly have to chase for maintenance payments but have never used it as a threat fo stop seeing dc.

Angel2015 I'm not going to stop him forever. I just thought it would make him realise what he was doing. That's what my mum did with my dad and eventually realised it on my own. And I will do the same with my ds. I just wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad. It sadly doesn't look as if we will. My exp isn't self employed and makes quite a lot of money so will prob end up paying more when it goes through cms. I'm sorry that this happened to you to.

I think you set certain days and times for access then it's up to him whether he turns up or not. Don't make a big deal about it, just give him set time slots and keep them free for him to see him. You don't need to do any more than that.

Apart from going to cms and keeping a log of when he doesn't show up. I have tried all the things you's are suggesting. I can't get him to turn up to see him ds. TBH if he would just turn up regularly to see ds. I wouldn't care if he never payed any maintenance.

What stormehale just said and don't mention to ds he is coming that way if he turns up it's a lovely surprise and If he doesn't there is no disappointment. (Learnt that quite quickly)
I've often thought it must be so much easier for those who's partners disappear off the face of the earth when the baby is born, at least you know where you are then! Hope you get it sorted with him. If he's not self employed definitely get on the csa they are really good when they work and will backdate etc... x

I don't tell ds he's only 1 so would t understand if I did. I just wanted to get it sorted before he does.

And I think I could of named this thread better so people don't think it's just about money when actually it's the opposite I don't care about the money. Just don't think it's acceptable for him not to turn up at arranged dates/times or to just turn up without checking 1st on the rare occasion he does. And not even to bring a packet of baby wipes with him.

You send him an email, so it's automatically recorded:

Dear xxx

I am writing to you in regards to our ongoing visitation and your financial support.

As (DS Name) is under 5 it is in his best interest that you visit him for short but frequent periods so that you can build a relationship. I will make him available for you to see at XY place at 2pm - 4pm on Sunday and Wednesday's (try and arrange something outside of his work hours if possible). If you cannot make these dates and times please let me know and I will endeavour to rearrange where possible. Whilst DS is in your care you need to provide any equipment for this time (nappies, baby wipes, spare clothes, sippy cups of water, age appropriate snacks). If contact is maintained steadily and frequently then I will be happy to look at extending time and venue but will not be doing so if it is sporadic.

As you are aware it is your Parental Responsibility to provide financial support for DS as we have not been able to come to a satisfactory private arrangement in the past 12 months I will be applying to the CMS with will be in touch with you shortly.

Kind regards

Nothing it to my son

OP I honestly do understand your frustration I'm going through similar with dd dad.

He will only pay me £23 per week and every month he try's to control me over it and pays up to two weeks late, I always have to ask chase him for it and it drives me mad

CSA is prob pointless as like he says I will get even less as he can manipulate his earning, he has his own business, 3 employees, brand new top of the range car etc but will purposely keep his income to a minimum. Plus he isn't on birth cert (his choice so not sure I can even go down this route)

He sees dd if it suits him, and will not turn up/cancel at last minute etc

It's just so unfair he gets away with having a dd on tap when he can be bothered for £23 a week get I struggle along m, my childcare alone is £80 per week and dd has just needed a whole new winter wardrobe down to socks, pj's vest etc as she has grown and then there is just gas/eclectic, water etc and his contribution doesn't even touch this

I really have no advice for you just wanted to let you know I do understand how your feeling

My Dad was like this, my Mum threatened he couldn't see us kids if he didn't pay up. He carried on, she stopped him seeing us. My Dsis and I have a terrible relationship with our mother, all three of us stopped talking to our Dad a long time ago. Dsis and I are almost as hurt by our Mums actions as our Dads, so tempting as it is please rise above it and show your son he has at least one parent who'll put him first.

Thanks datingbarb I'm sorry your going through it to. It's just so unfair. I've just had to do the same with the winter wardrobe. I don't know why they don't feel guilty. Exp is on birth certificate just so glad now I stuck to my guns that ds has my last name so at least it's easier if he just does bugger off and not come back.

Fordhorns. I am going to rise above it and if he turns up unannounced or asks let him because I know it's the best way for ds. I stopped seeing my own dad on my own because I knew he didn't care and I didn't care about him either. Just wanted to shock exp into doing something thinking he would maybe stop and think. I might sound evil for doing it but no way I'm going to keep doing it. He might not care about ds but I do! And don't want ds when he's older to think it's my fault or for exp to tell him it's my fault. So unfortunately he'll just need to realise it by him self just wish he didn't need to go through in the 1st place.

The money is really important too: do pursue that.

And as PPs say, offer regular contact and suggest days/times, by email so it's "on the record", and take note of him declining or failing to turn up, and any times he turns up with no notice.

I have 3 dn whose 'df' dipped in and out of their life on his term (also never paid towards them). It's really screwed them up. I would say either be a part of their life or fuck off. Having a barely -there relationship with a parent so the other one can pat themselves on the back for at least trying to facilitate it is not always to right thing to do.

Nottsangel is quite right in predicting how this will play out. Get your money via CMS then all the wrangling over money is over and you can focus on how best to deal with the issue of contact. It does seem grossly unfair that one parent can be compelled to make the child available but there is no such compulsion on the other parent to turn up. So it seems to me that the best way of handling it is to make our child available but have a backup plan in case the other parent doesn't show - that way any disappointment is minimum. I do believe that restricting contact is self defeating as if a parent has a relationship with their child then on a purely practical level they are more willing to contribute to that child's upbringing. Between my mother's bitterness and my own father's apathy I had no relationship with my father and am determined to avoid that for my own child. Getting my ex to keep up contact is outside my control beyond supporting it I do realise however and I accept that.

Watchingfromthewings so it's ok for him only to turn up when he feels like it? But not ok for me to say no? When he doesn't turn up so dates/times we have arranged?

Where did I say that?? Of course it's not ok for him to do that. But it's also not ok to withhold visitation because he's not paying. As pp suggested, outline a day and time he can visit. Be available at that time. If he turns up great, if not there's nothing you can do about it. If he turns up and it's not convenient to you then you're within your rights to say so. But blocking all contact due to non payment is not fair to your child. Just phone CSM tomorrow and they'll make him pay.

Don't let him just see your LO whenever he wants. That's not fair on you or LO. You need to have proper agreed contact time and days. He will take the piss if he thinks he can just turn up!
On my order it clearly states that I must make my LO available for contact yet nothing about him turning up!
Keep all texts. Have all contact via email and keep copies of everything.
Courts won't even discuss child maintenance, they see it as 2 separate issues .Something I disagree with!

There is a lot on here about your DS right to a relationship with his father but he also has a right to be financially supported by both parents.

You should go to the CMS simply because kids get more expenisve .It all helps..You both made your DS together you should both support him.

Financial is something they can be made to do by law
Emotionally you cannot.

If you remove the money from the issue... then he pays it regardless ..Set up agreed contact..Even if it is once a month..Kids really do get used to that. the same as Gran pops over once a month. we see Aunty and Christmas there is no norm for him right now. Then make sure DS is available for then..If he misses then he waits till next contact..If he truly isn't interested it will dwindle no matter how much effort you put it. At least you can say you ensure his dad provided for him.