XH strikes again or AIBU

[Pollyanna9]

Hi all. In recent weeks DS age 17 has been given all that he needs to be able to travel by train for his contact with his dad. We have a station very near us, there's a bus that drops him virtually outside from a little bus station that's 5 mins walk from our house. At 17 he's more than capable of doing the journey and, as a child who never leaves his Xbox/bedroom, he very much needs to start doing stuff like this - it's unrealistic for him to expect to be chauffeur driven everywhere. We used to meet for contact (a 75 mile round trip for each party) at a service station roughly midway from mine and XHs homes. For the last year DD has not been coming with us on this journey to have her contact (that's a WHOLE other sad story that if you heard it would show XH and his family in an incredibly bad light) so that it's just DS in the car. I have continued to support him in this journey by ferrying him there and back every other weekend even though the contact order which XH insisted on actually ceased to apply in July 2015. I continued to support contact like this until DS started college in September and gave two months notice that I wouldn't be doing it any more from then. I said I hoped he'd enjoyed that massive additional extra support he'd received by me doing this but it was time for a change and would do DS good to stand on his own two feet. For someone working full time with no support around her, I think it's been pretty fabulous of me to continue to do it all that time as it's cost a fortune in petrol (obviously it goes without saying, he's never said "thanks for doing that, I really appreciate it" !!).

This is what dear, dear XH has just emailed me:
^DS wants to start driving lessons too which is great news for him. With the money I send monthly can you get him regular driving lessons locally? In addition, I'll organise lessons and we'll pay for them here for when he comes down.

I'm looking at train timetables for next week. I'll let you know timetable but it's expensive and difficult for DS. If you could meet as usual it'd be easier for him as he's clearly not happy with trains etc. Let me know if you will do that?^

This man is a veritable asshat. He perpetuates DSs fear of doing anything that takes him outside of his bedroom and his most narrow experience of the world, he's moaning about paying £16 for a ticket - I've never moaned about taking DS at my cost and on my time 28 times more than I was required to.

XH has an absolutely shocking and totally whiney absence of responsibility with no ability to just get on and sort him out with his train travel - you would think DS was being required to plan a solo trip round the world the way he's moaning on about it.

And then telling me how to spend the 'money he gives me' (like it's a bloody favour!!). I've just started a new job after 4 months out of work and the money is not as good or anywhere near what I was on the year before and I've no idea if I can even meet my bills until I've had a few pays come in and I see how we manage, but I certainly can't add blinkin' driving lessons into the mix.

I'm so sick of XHs whining and belly aching when for the first time he's actually got to do something for himself, be responsible for it (ie paying for and facilitating the train travel for DS) and apparently his whole world has crumbled. And I don't particularly want to pay for driving lessons or anything else for DS anyway - I've given DS £10 twice in the last approx 9 weeks to go get his hair cut. The money's been absorbed into his lunch money and he's barefaced lied to me that 'I promise I'll get it cut tomorrow', repeatedly, but he still looks like Bamber Gascgoine so he hasn't gone and had it cut yet he's spent the money on effing Lucozade, so why should I pay out for driving lessons for him (even if I did think I could afford it) when this is how unappreciative he is of the money that he does get given!

Rrrrrrrrrrr.

I've honestly not experienced such a massive fuss and overreaction to something SO simple as DS switching to going for contact by train. I fear we may be entering mediation shortly if it gets any worse. XH is clearly getting flack from his rancid wife and no doubt all the rest of his family are going ahhh poor you poor DS, you ex wife (me) is a right harsh cow (and I guarantee they will be).

Hey ho. What is wrong with these men for goodness sakes.

This thread has made me laugh, although I know it's not funny for you Polly.

You are doing the right thing, he is old enough and your XH is just trying to play the 'good parent' to your DS to make you look like the bad one, especially since it sounds like he had already trashed his relationship with your DD. Guarantee his whole thought process is about him and how he we will look/what he wants people to feel about him, not about your DS at all really. If it was about your DS he would be doing what is best for him which is to encourage independence and life skills like you are trying to do.

I think you should be out on Friday evenings having a well deserved and leave them to sort it out themselves.

I would Muddlewitch but I'm Billy Bloody No Mates (seem to meet only flaky or two faced people who I think could be great people to go out with etc - then realise that's not the case despite them really appearing quite sane / nice / good fun at the outset.

Fenella, chill dude, I haven't been 'pandering' as you put it, for weeks. Will update later hopefully.

I'd seriously just stop getting involved with it now. Let them make their own arrangements. My DC are 16 and 14 and have been making their own arrangements with my ExH for over a year now. It's bliss not having to deal with it! My DS will google bus/train times himself (usually picked up but will bus or train it on occasion). They just let me know what times they are leaving or due back. Tell them both to sort it between them.

I have told them and I did stop - then him and his dad started meddling again and I have to get involved again to say look, this is what we're doing, if you don't like it, pay for door to door taxis.

I wanted DS to use the bus so that he didn't have miss out even if I was late from work. So last Friday I said ok mate, get the bus tonight if it looks like I'm not arriving in time to take you. And believe me I made darn sure that I wasn't back on time! But what do I find when I go upstairs?

DS in the bathroom (I actually think he was hiding from me). Conversation through the door of why are u still here. I didn't want to go on the bus. So I thought ah well, ok, your choice, but categorically I'm not now driving you up there.

Then I'm getting texts from XH - oh he sounds really upset can't you take him tonight. I said no. I EVEN offered to go with DS on the bloody bus the first time and he still wouldn't do it so I said no, I'm not doing that - you won't work with me, I won't help you and not least because you really are entirely capable of doing it. Then I was asked by XH if I would take him Saturday morning instead, I said, no, there's a perfectly good bus, he needs to do it himself.

Then he emails and suggests that DS lose 50% of his contact by getting the 8.30am train on a Sat morning rather than going on the Friday night. I said no, the final paragraph being:

I'm not willing to support all kinds of alternatives that rob DS of the opportunity of gaining confidence in a new form of transport until the current arrangement has been fully tested, unless you want to pay for taxi's, which I know I don't. I'm not a taxi service. Crashing headlong into a 50% reduction in overnight stays against his express wishes seems unfair on him and isn't supportive of his development of confidence when he's had no chance so far of even basically getting into the swing of it.

Why should I have to remain stone cold sober on a Friday night so I can drive him to the effing bus station on a Sat morning at 8.30!!! TAKE. THE. BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think he will but I neither know nor care any more. Let them have each other. Very sad to have this one parent who as Muddlewitch said is more concerned about himself and his DSs view of him as the benevolent father, as opposed to the evil mother figure!

On a side note, he's arranged to come get him on Thursday after I had to ask him twice did he want to see either child during the holidays so that's another week he won't have to do the journey there. So there's the arrangement to come get his DS, but he once again hasn't asked, could I see DD/take her out for a burger??? Nah. He's not interested.

He does however constantly send Snapchats of him and his other DD from his new marriage - that must be nice for my DD...!

Really makes you wonder what you saw in that person doesn't it!

You are doing the right thing Polly, let them get on with it.

ExH sounds like a prize dickhead, as is mine, know totally what you mean about wondering what you ever saw in them. How is Dd coping with it all?

Well, two weeks ago (it's amazing this was once again possible) ex DH was entirely able to 'swing by' our house to pick up DS (save him taking nasty buses/trains) whilst simultaneously insisting DD come downstairs to worship him despite fact he intended only to pick up DS and not even take DD out for a poxy burger. What an utter arsehole.

Roll forward 2 weeks and this Fri I've got a meeting that I'd definitely not be home to get DS on the 6.08pm train and possibly not the 6.30 one either. Their solution? "Daddy can probably pick me up". Cretinous fear-/entitlement-reinforcing weakling of a man.

How bad is it that I have to pre-warn DD that he might be coming on Fri do she can take avoiding action if she needs to. She was embarrassed, hurt and angry when he came 2 weeks ago took DS and left her.

This week she's been Google street viewing the house we lived in just prior to divorce.... It's sad.

It's getting to decision time for her some time soon I think because he's got no intention of even meeting her half way - the decision of 'is it better to go through the pain of deciding to cease all contact with him acknowledging he's a total arse hole and its never ever going to improve' vs 'see him in dribs and drabs and keep getting hurt little and often by that'.

But that's something she's got to arrive at for herself in her own time obviously. It's hard keep seeing her hurt, passed over, trying to sort out in her mind what is family.

How very sad for your DD. For both your kids actually.

Yep. You know, it's been 9 YEARS of (if not sucking up) having to tolerate a lot of utter stupidness often because of the God damned bloody Contact Order hanging over us.

I'm so SO close to just letting rip at the utter bustard, but it would be completely and utterly pointless.

You can't work with people who are a. stupid b. in complete denial.

no doubt the Contact order was set by a family court judge who listened to no-one and most certainly didnt put the needs of the children first.

Hey childmaintenanceserviceinquiry erm, let me add.

He took us to court. Without any notice he decided he would leave his decently paying job thus rendering himself unable to provide any child maintenance for his children) in order to go self employed with a fabulous 'business' that would be 'so fantastic for everyone on the long run'. Well that went down a hoot with my DP at the time who, despite being slightly mentally unhinged, we understandably incredibly upset when he asked could he have a new pair of work shoes (he worked on a car sales forecourt outdoors) and I said no, we can't afford it! He (literally) wanted EXH address so he could go down to his house and beat him up. Ahem. Anyhoo.

I literally was making ends meet and I could NOT afford the petrol for his significant journey twice there and back every other weekend. So I literally couldn't do contact. Hence he took me to court.

As it turned out, judge was pretty good all told. But these contact orders are a noose around your neck - it's all 'contact, contact, contact' even when there are pretty substantial issues and inappropriateness going on. That's why we toughed it out til DD reached 14 although God knows how incredibly badly this has affected her.

When we went to court, XH thought he'd got it tied up. I was asking him to come here and get them but, out of stupidity the goodness of my heart I had, from the outset, said 50/50 on the place we met for contact so that kind of set a precedent. However, I came out of court that day skipping and smiling like a loon! To this point, XH had been leaving me to the whole 13 weeks of school holiday childcare.

Watching him squirm was one of the most enjoyable times of the last 8 years!! He was told 'half the hols, two weeks in the summer' - and he nearly friggin' died!! "Oh, your honour, oooh I work, I can't possibly..." yeah so do I mate, with no wife or parents or support. I said "Well, surely Mr [insert wanky surname of your choice] can avail himself of a childminder if he needs to just like I do? innocent blink blink?".

Ha ha. This is the kind of twat you're dealing with. Someone who will argue in court to see their children LESS than they are being offered.

Sad pathetic twat of a man.

Hi OP, I'm on your side! I am only 5 years in to dealing with court orders, because ex would rather go to court than actually have an adult conversation which takes into account his child's view or mine. I do feel strongly that most family court judges do not seem able to recognise abuse and the views of the children.