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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

15 week old staying with Dad tonight for first time...

17 replies

ohwhatsinausername · 14/09/2016 09:42

First night with her Dad...(left me when I was pregnant)...at his girlfriends house...because that's where he now lives.

Our older DD has already been going there for 6 months now - that was hard enough but it is what it is.

The level headed person inside me tells me that it's fine, some people leave their babies at this age with other people so Mum can have a break etc and who better to have her than her own Father? (She's FF btw)

I'm trying to see the positives in it and seperate my own personal feelings, which I'm trying hard to get over and focus on it being better for the kids, that they have a good relationship with their Dad.

And I can't tell whether I feel sick because it's the first time...or because of the situation this time. I was the same with DD1 but it was all different back then...

Please hold my hand and keep me company today/tonight and remind me it's all gonna be ok?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Summer1979 · 14/09/2016 16:44

Really hope it goes well. I am due in a few months and dreading this, it feels completely unnatural. Currently he is not interested in me or baby but it makes me feel sick the thought of me leaving my baby with him.

I guess try and look at it as a break but I can completely understand your emotions.

Original poster

ohwhatsinausername · 14/09/2016 18:42

Thank you. It does feel unnatural, especially when you weren't expecting it!

It went ok though, I didn't cry this time (I did first time she went to visit!) but I probably will later, when the reality she isn't coming home tonight sinks in...

OP posts:

DeliaClartpepperTheThird · 14/09/2016 21:50

Completely understand this. It's such an upsetting situation. But I think once it's happened a few times you'll really feel the benefit of having a break. X

ittooshallpass · 22/09/2016 00:14

Why does the baby have to go? That is very young to be away from you. Why not just say no?

BertrandRussell · 22/09/2016 00:17

Is your other child there too?

AdaLovelacesCat · 22/09/2016 00:18

A baby this age does not need to be separated from its mother for access visits.

orangebird69 · 22/09/2016 00:20

What pp's have said. Way too young for overnight visits imo x

jojosprules · 22/09/2016 00:48

I really feel for you and I sort of know how you feel although my situation is a bit different. I didn't find out I was pregnant until 24 weeks and when it was confirmed my lovely boyfriend of 2 years just disappeared off the face of the earth! The day dd was born he called to say he was coming into hospital to see us and never showed! He's not on the birth certificate and has still not seen her (1 year old now) yet his parents see her regularly. His mum has now asked if she can take dd to their home to meet him. The reason I have such a big issue is due to him having a drug problem and his mum thinks that seeing dd in person rather than photos will be the motivation he needs but I really don't want her around him in that state. I feel just knowing he has a daughter should be motivating enough. I just also don't want her to miss out on having a dad but feel having no dad is better than having a flakey drugged up dad??? Any thoughts anyone?

NapQueen · 22/09/2016 00:59

Why on earth is the baby too young to be left in the care of her own father for a night?

Dervel · 23/09/2016 16:30

I am a separated father, and had mine over for the first time overnight at that age. It all went swimmingly. He was however used to my place, having been over for a few hours at a time a few times a week. Mine was breastfed though so it was pretty much a night at mine and straight back to mum at the crack of dawn.

No reason why an involved and safe father can't care for a baby.

Original poster

ohwhatsinausername · 24/09/2016 21:38

I know, I never said there was a problem with her going, it was support I personally needed for being seperated from her. I was just feeling a bit scared/nervous/upset for the first time - I knew she'd be ok.

I've never stopped either of my children seeing him, never would unless I thought they were at risk. Was just raw that first time, didn't know what to do with myself.

Jojo - at least his Mum has been honest enough to admit to you that she wants to do this and discussed it with you. I'm not sure how I would feel about this personally but if you trust her with his Mum and would be happy to leave her with his Mum for a bit, I'd be ok with it but stipulate his Mum isn't to leave them alone together right now? See what comes of the first time?

OP posts:

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 24/09/2016 21:51

jojo. Personally I'd say no. No one needs someone who has been guilted into seeing their child in their life. He will continue to be a drug fuelled nightmare until HE, not his mother, decides otherwise. I wouldn't let my baby be her pawn to get him clean. I'd also only his Mum visit my house, not take the baby out/away because I wouldn't trust her to put my baby before hers.

ohwhatsinausername you're being incredibly selfless, far more selfless than I could manage in this situation. I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 24/09/2016 21:57

Try and think of it as a chance to recharge your batteries and be able to enjoy them that bit more when they come home. In time you will learn to appreciate a bit of you time - don't make the gf your enemy without reason. She can be a good source of contact if ex isn't that good at communicating things he should.

mumofhandsomeboys · 24/09/2016 22:03

Jojo - Personally I'd say no. No one needs someone who has been guilted into seeing their child in their life. He will continue to be a drug fuelled nightmare until HE, not his mother, decides otherwise. I wouldn't let my baby be her pawn to get him clean. I'd also only his Mum visit my house, not take the baby out/away because I wouldn't trust her to put my baby before hers.

^This. Absolutely no way would I let my baby anywhere near him. And I'm not sure I could trust MIL not to go against my wishes and side with her son.

jojosprules · 26/09/2016 01:55

Sorry for the late reply, I'm glad that majority of you agree that it's not a good idea! I just wanted to see someone else say it if that makes sense. No I've never been to theirs as I know he is more than likely to be there. I also said to her if she really wants to introduce them then I'd like me and my mum to be there and she said that he probably wouldn't come if we were there as he's going to be very emotional! Well he either wants to see her or he doesn't! And in my eyes he doesn't otherwise he would have done so by now. He didn't even write her 1st birthday card! It's just so frustrating as I feel bad for my girlie that I'm going to have to make excuses for him when she's old enough to start asking questions.

Ohwhatsinausername how did it go? How are you feeling?

Original poster

ohwhatsinausername · 26/09/2016 10:00

After having read the other responses, they're right actually - it's not up to his Mum to force this, it should be down to him. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

It went ok on the first Wednesday but on the first Saturday/Sunday she was screaming when I collected her and took me a while to settle her once home, which put me a bit on edge.

So I'm just going to try keep an eye on it because it could've been a one off but if she comes back like that regularly then we'll have to rediscuss things, which is going to be awkward again!

He hasn't seen her last week because we went away, so I hope she'll be ok on this Wednesday.

OP posts:

jojosprules · 26/09/2016 11:45

Oh I hope it was just a one off, she probably just needs time to adjust to it just like you do.

Yeh I've spoken to his mum again about it and said I don't think it's a great idea right now and that if he wants to see her that badly then he needs to show that he has at least made an effort to change. Don't get me wrong, I know addictions are hard to break but he's not even trying right now so I don't feel that he deserves to see her.

So when is the next sleepover? Let me know if you ever need a chat even if it's just to have a rant lol. X

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