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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Do you think I sound like a b***h for this?

23 replies

tammybear · 04/06/2004 12:23

I have always had problems with exp. I dont trust him, and he only sees dd every 3 weekends (at the moment, he has to wait 6 weeks as his parents are away on holiday and he cant be bothered to come and see her on his own). Anyway, he is forever going on about me letting him have dd at his house for the weekend, however I am not completely comfortable with this and would rather wait til dd is a little more independant and is talking etc before he does, as I dont trust exp to tell me if something went wrong!

I have always believed exp doesnt put dd before anything else. dd is my main priority and although I know he loves her, I dont think he puts her first like I do. He has also reduced the maintenance that we agreed him to give me without even telling me, and his excuse is the bank told him that it wont change for another two weeks!!!

He keeps proving to me over and over again that he isnt responsible enough to look after himself let alone dd!!! Even though I said I didnt want him to have dd til she was more independant, I was coming round to the idea of maybe letting him have her for one night (not that I think it is really worth it as he lives 3 hours drive away) but now this has come up, I dont think I should.

Do I sound really unreasonable?

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gothicmama · 04/06/2004 12:27

No if he can't have her when his parents are away - does she stay with them? then I would think you are being reasonable you are her main carer and it is important for you to feel that she is safe/ happy

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secur · 04/06/2004 12:28

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Tinker · 04/06/2004 12:31

tammybear - I think if you have any reservations about the care of your daughter you shouldn't let him look after her overnight. You can stall him with the excuse about it being too far to go for one night at her age. This is tricky though because a) you need a break and b) he does have the right to see his own child and your daughter does have a right to get to know him. Is he being difficult about this?

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 12:32

dd's been to his house once without me there, his parents were there to help him out, but ive always thought that his family have never had any common sense. they were allowing her into the kitchen, and climbing up their stairs which are open which she could have slipped through. because he doesnt see dd very often, i dont think he or dd for that matter would be use to each other. ive made the suggestion to exp that he comes and stay at my mums (who has a spare bedroom) so he could spend a few days with dd, but he says he feels too uncomfortable and awkward to do that, but in my opinion, he should really think about the fact that he would be spending time with dd, which should be the more important factor. plus times he has looked after dd for a couple of hours, he thinks of it as babysitting or doing me a favour. why in the world would a father think of spending time with his dd as babysitting!!??

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gothicmama · 04/06/2004 12:33

Sorrry did not realise about the money thought it was because he was not visiting when his parents were away- money should never be a reason to stop visiting but if he is not responsible in other ways then you have a right to say no because of x

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gothicmama · 04/06/2004 12:34

sorry posts crossed my dh sees it as babysitting if he has dd on his own perhaps it is a man thing

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 12:35

its not so much the money thats a problem, its the fact that he didnt discuss it with me first that really annoys me

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gothicmama · 04/06/2004 12:36

see what you mean can you talk to him about all this and try to come up with solutions

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secur · 04/06/2004 12:39

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secur · 04/06/2004 12:43

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 12:44

its okay secur,i know i have issues with him myself, but also, i should have mentioned, my health visitor was saying to me she doesnt think exp having dd on his own is a good idea as he is a really needy, unstable, emotional person. and i do agree with this as he is, but the fact that he is dd's father makes me start thinking that maybe i should allow him to have her for a weekend, but i just dont know. he use to live around the corner after we split up, but he kept refusing to come around to see dd, which was mostly due to my presence being there.

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gothicmama · 04/06/2004 12:46

is there some scheme where he could have her for some time with help of hv or somebody neutral to ensure all is ok - or parenting classes

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 12:50

not sure, but i know he wouldnt be comfortable with someone watching him, and i would feel guilty if someone was, as stupid as that sounds. and i doubt he would go to parenting classes

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secur · 04/06/2004 12:50

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secur · 04/06/2004 12:51

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 12:53

exp has come to some baby clinics when hv was there, and once he broke down into tears, and to this days i still dont know why he did, but he spoke to her in private about it. i keep asking my mum for advice but she doesnt want to say anything as she doesnt want to influence me in any way (typical mum!) thanks secur, i wanted to get different views on this as it is very important for all three of us

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secur · 04/06/2004 12:59

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 13:08

he's 22. i have posted other threads about him on here somewhere, but the same problems seem to creep up, and its all so confusing. hv may have been a bit harsh, but he is quite emotional.

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Sheila · 04/06/2004 13:10

How old is your DD? Does she want to go to stay with him? If she's old enough to have a view it's worth asking her. If she's not bothered then I wouldn't push it, but if she wants to go then I think you'd have to have a very good reason for saying no.

BTW, if I was written off as an unfit parent every time I cried in front of a health professional I'd have lost DS years ago!

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muddaofsuburbia · 04/06/2004 13:11

Tammybear - I think a 3 hour journey is a long distance for your dd to travel for just one night at such a young age - especially to stay with a virtual stranger even if he is her dad. I think your suggestion of using your mum's house as a halfway-house seems the most logical in these circumstances.

This is, after all, about your exp getting to know how to be a dad to his daughter, so the actual place where that happens is not so important IMO. Also if he does have difficulties with the responsibilities involved with looking after a wee girl, surely he would appreciate knowing he had a safety net at your mum's house.

Of course it's not ideal, and of course he would probably feel like she was breathoing down his neck (even if she wasn't) but it's more important for your daughter to see her dad.

Hope this all works out for you

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tammybear · 04/06/2004 13:13

dd is almost 18 months, so she cant have much of a say at the moment

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secur · 04/06/2004 13:17

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MeanBean · 04/06/2004 14:48

Tammybear I don't think you sound unreasonable. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, you only need one accident to lose a child, you don't need two, and if you genuinely think that your daughter's safety will be compromised by staying at her dad's then I would wait until she is older.

I would also though (and this is very easy for me to say) try to work towards being able to trust your exp with your dd. If you can show him that you want to make his contact with your dd work, perhaps he might be persuaded to meet you half way. I'm not underestimating just how difficult some men can be, and how difficult it might be for you as well, but in the long run, I think you and your dd would be happier if your exp did have reasonable contact and you were reasonably happy with that. Could you talk to him honestly about just how unhappy you feel about his lack of awareness of danger, and how you really need to feel your DD is safe? If you can somehow get him on side, it might work.

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