on my own with a sticky two-year old

[irishjewels]

would love to hear from wise mums re: dealing with very independent beautiful ds and tricky situation with dd (who was never a partner!!!)

What's the problem??

having huge problems re handing over ds for access visits to dd who refuses to buy sun block because it costs too much and returns him to me with sunburn. And swears constantly infront of him. I am so scared he doesnt know how to look after him he's not used to children.

im about to deal with these problems irishjewels. i dont want to allow my exp to have dd at his house but as he is her father, i feel like i have to, plus i have everyone getting on at me that i should so it is as if my opinion doesnt matter. have you tried explaining to him about how you feeling

no, explanations of how im feeling are like eating nettles, how do you get thru to someone that they are tearing your heart out by not loving caring and understanding your only child properly. I ask him to buy a book on childhood illnesses and he replies " but he's not going to get sick" . I ask him to let me know if ds falls or bangs his head during the access visit and he snarls " i love him so he wont hurt himself" It is totally pointless, dd believes in himself and i just have to go along with it...please dont think i'm over-protective but wish i knew what he was thinking/doing.

no, explanations of how im feeling are like eating nettles, how do you get thru to someone that they are tearing your heart out by not loving caring and understanding your only child properly. I ask him to buy a book on childhood illnesses and he replies " but he's not going to get sick" . I ask him to let me know if ds falls or bangs his head during the access visit and he snarls " i love him so he wont hurt himself" It is totally pointless, dd believes in himself and i just have to go along with it...please dont think i'm over-protective but wish i knew what he was thinking/doing.

To be honest IJ, I just wouldn't allow somebody who I didn't trust to look after my child properly to take them off, even if he was their father. Call me militant, but absent fathers have a duty to look after their children when they are in their care; we hear an awful lot about their rights, but very little about their responsibility to provide a suitable environment for children to be in. And I know that everyone goes on and on about how children need to know their fathers, but surely not at the cost of compromising their safety? I speak as a lone mother whose children never see their father, because he's a selfish lazy irresponsible deadbeat who chooses not to be in contact with them. Much as I would like him to be, and much as I know they would want to be, I still wouldn't let him take them away from me if he did decide to be a grown-up, unless I was absolutely sure that I could trust him to take care of them properly.

Unfortunately MB life not that simple, live in very small town dd just took me to family court for guardianship (which i successfully denied due to his previous non-interest) but now judge awarded one weekend day and one week day eve. Ds positively loves his visits to dd and i just keep fingers crossed he will be ok. It's not that i think he will intentionally harm him or upset him he is simply not used to children. he's not in tune with ds its like he's a possession.he's selfish self-obsessed person who sees the fact that he was able to father a son and parade him around the town as a huge ego boost.BTW ds just poured a bowl of honey nut loops all over himself!

Can you speak to your xp's parents? If you explain to them how worried you are about his irresponsibility, they might get on his case. After all, it's their grandchild.

he is youngest child and spoilt rotten by his parents whom (who?) he doesnt treat particularly well or have any respect for.He still lives at home hes 34. One time i did phone his mother and she told me to stop being so silly or she'd box my ears. Im sure it was a figure of speech, but does indicate where her loyalties lie!!!I am just home from dropping ds to dd, eating lunch over the keyboard and running back out the door to work for a few hours but thanx for your help and please keep any suggestions rolling in. DS home at 7, counting the hours.

IJ, you know the irony of mothers having to hand their children over to irresponsible creeps like your xp, is that under English law, you are not allowed to leave your child in the care of someone who you know to be an unfit person to be in charge of a child, and you can be prosecuted yourself if that child comes to harm while in the care of that person. I personally think that deliberately allowing a child to become sunburnt because you've decided not to spend money on suncream is outrageous (as opposed to it being accidental because you've missed a bit). Suncream is expensive, but surely your DS has a hat and a long sleeved t-shirt that your arse of an xp could work out how to put on him? I'd keep a written record of this and any conversations you have about the care of your DS and also phone the lone parent helpline (free and confidential on 0800 018 5026) to get advice about how other mothers have dealt with this issue.
The other thing is, is your XP just winding you up because he resents the implication that he's not fit to look after his DS? It could be that as soon as he gets away from you, he becomes the best Dad in the world, but won't give you the satisfaction of knowing that. Stupid, immature, selfish, cruel... but oh, so common!

meanbean - is there a website that says about that law?

Not that I know of Tammybear. The only reason I'm aware of it is because a friend of mine is a policewoman, and she's constantly dealing with cases of neglect etc. It's amazing how many three year olds can be found wandering around in a nappy unaccompanied! Perhaps there might be something on one of the government sites, under children and the law, for example?

ds returned to me very happy BUT starving hungry, soaking wet carseat, overtired and without his precious dummy (hate to admit it but still attached to the thing unfortunately) which he really needs when he's tired.xp is going for the popularity stakes here, with ds of course not me.He does love him in his own way and friends who know him say i am expecting too much from him in terms of committment to ds routine, diet and the example he sets and i should just accept him with his limitations as the biological father of my only child. I'm going to stop whinging now, things are the way they are, its totally my own fault for being stupid enough to have a one night stand one very lonely mixed up night 3yrs ago!

IJ - keep a written record of this. And the sunburn. And all the other visits. Just in case.

I'm glad you're feeling better about it. It is very hard to let a child go, but if a judge says you have to, you have to. And you have to find some strategy for you to get through the visits, otherwise they will drive you mad every time.

BTW you're not being unreasonable about expecting an adult standard of care from your xp. I simply don't understand all those people who shrug their shoulders at things fathers do, when they would happily jail a mother for doing the same thing. Children are entitled to consistency - after love, food and shelter, it's probably the next important thing on the list. Expecting the people who look after your children to support your efforts to bring them up properly, rather than undermine them, is not unreasonable.
Big hugs!

MB, thanx for caring, i was really down but much better today. Am going to contact my family law solicitor tomorrow for advice on how to deal with this. you are right it is not acceptable and i'm going to request mediation in an effort to get this across to him.Have kept a diary with details of these problems and will bring that along. i'll let you know how i get on and thanx again