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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Single mummy to 11 year old. Haven't been on a date since I had him.

15 replies

user1464892847 · 12/06/2016 20:24

Am I the only one who's put there kids first and suddenly realised there growing up and you'll be alone!?

I had my son at 19 so I'm not even that old now. But after he was born I got so wrapped up in being his mum and working that the other day I realised he was 11 and I'd not met anyone for me.
He's growing up fast and I'm still kind of stuck in a rut I guess.
Makes me feel a bit sad watching my friends get married have more babies and it never happened.
I was always happy just our special group of two but recently (think because he's always off doing things without me now) I feel unhappy.

Is that normal?

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 12/06/2016 20:33

It's not just you user, I'm the same. I've had a few dates but gave up on online dating as it was a nightmare.

I'm quite happy on my own if I'm honest, my fuckwit radar is still probably a bit off so I don't trust myself not to pick another

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 12/06/2016 20:41

I have a 4yo. Had a couple of attempts at relationships last year (3 months each) but I just couldn't make them work.
One would never have worked, although she was lovely and I'm not sorry we tried. The second was more painful because it came very close to perfect, and ultimately the reasons it couldn't progress were mostly bound up in my circumstances as a single mother. (Not necessarily simply my being a single mother, but the whole package - no other parent at all, limited family support, intellectually demanding full time job with challenging commute, living in different cities, having plans to move to even more distant different cities, substantial need for time alone to recharge. I didn't have practical space in my life, or mental or emotional space to give of myself in a relationship.)

So I'm currently fairly resigned to the fact I can't do all four - motherhood, work, self-care, romantic relationship. I'm happy enough like that, but I wonder how happy I will be in five, ten years' time. I'd like to have one more child, but even then I reckon both would be more or less adults before I'm out of my forties, so plenty of time to find a new relationship then if it becomes important to me. Although I will probably be even more inflexible by then than I am now!

I sometimes wonder if this makes me 'odd', and if I therefore ought to fix it. But in myself, and not thinking at all about external judgment, I'm very content.

Original poster
user1464892847 · 12/06/2016 20:41

I haven't even done the whole "online" thing. Confused
I'm just thinking at 30 this can't be it for ever!?!
But the only places I go are work and clubs I take my son to so online may have to be a start.
And if I want to have sex again in the next decade (TMI) I'm thinking it's my only option Blush

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 13/06/2016 21:38

Same here. I figure I won't get my social life back until my youngest heads off to uni. I'm exhausted and need brain space for the dc's and work. Seven years down, another eleven to go.

Flowerpower41 · 15/06/2016 07:02

You don't have to be in a relationship in order to get sex! If it is casual sex you are looking for it is as easy as pie to get :)

LurcioAgain · 15/06/2016 07:19

OP, it sucks, doesn't it? I haven't had sex in over a decade. I miss it.

Genuine question - how is getting casual sex as easy as pie? I have never found it to be so. Where is this queue of men (who I'd actually want to shag)? And how (as full time parent to my DC) would I find the time or opportunity to indulge, even if I could find the mystery location of the queue of up-for-a-shag men?

megletthesecond · 15/06/2016 09:30

But flower, to even have a fling you need to be away from your dc's / work for a little while. That's not possible for lots of lp's. I wouldn't trust a babysitter, or have the money for one. I think I'm doing well when I get an hour to go for a run.

Flowerpower41 · 15/06/2016 10:43

I have done online dating and work for myself so run my own hours. Lots of people seem free weekday daytimes .... Apologies if it isn't easy for some of you.

BrandNewAndImproved · 15/06/2016 10:54

I haven't been single as long as you but yes my life only consists the hobby me and my dc share (taekwondko it's great, there's kids classes, adult classes and mixed kids and adults classes) school runs, work and our Saturday outings. I don't even have any friends anymore to go out and get pissed with.

I'm 28 and this will be my life till the dc are in secondary school. They're year 4 and 5 atm so my plan is to carry on doing our 3 musketeers thing and then once they've outgrown me I'll be more available for a relationship.

I don't want to miss out on their childhood having boyfriend problems. If Mr right comes along well I wouldn't say no but I'm not open to it at all atm.

Flowerpower41 · 15/06/2016 11:37

I don't know why people wouldn't trust a babysitter?

On sitters.co.uk the people are police checked and often childminders in the daytimes. Having said that I have never used them. They do have reviews and a little information about each of the babysitters so that is quite reassuring. The reason I didn't bother to use them is the issue of cost.

BrandNewAndImproved · 15/06/2016 13:34

I've never had to think about trusting a babysitter before. I'm very lucky in that way. My dm or dnan or my dbro will look after dc whenever I ask. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with a complete stranger coming over to my flat to babysit whether they're dbs checked or not.

Whilst I'd quite like a shag I don't want to just have a shag. I would feel quite used even if it was me doing the using. I'd have to like someone and get those fanny shivers before I could have sex with them and then I'd want more then a shag and then tada boyfriend problems Grin

I've been single off and on since I had them, two relationships where they moved in (one one of the dad's) and I just don't want to introduce a third bf into the mix. I do have pangs of loneliness and wonder if a nice boyfriend to do fun stuff with and days out would make our lives better but I feel bad enough about them living with two men already and they're only almost 9 and 10.

Flowerpower41 · 16/06/2016 07:02

I still don't understand people's reservations with grown women who are police checked and even childminders in the day.

It is at least £20 though before your own social expenses as you have to pay for a minimum of 3 hours. Which is why I begrudged doing it.

if i wish to socialise I go out daytimes instead. Not everybody can do that.

It would drive me nuts being a slave to a job by day and then a slave to our children evenings and weekends! Which is why I prefer the freedom of self-employment.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 16/06/2016 07:25

For me, I don't think I'd feel right leaving DS with someone he didn't really know (maybe that's more true for a 4yo than for older children though?) which is what would put me off about sitters.
That's academic for me though as I simply can't afford them! And also, I'm not keen to have loads of time away from DS tbh - he spends nearly 50 hours a week in nursery as it is so I can work. He and I both have a lot of catching up to do over evenings and weekends to make an OK balance. So while I don't have family and friends falling over themselves to provide babysitting, the amount that is available is sufficient for my own wants.

That's all part of why I don't want to date ATM, much less have a proper relationship: the truth is that my non-working time is v limited and precious, and I very rarely want to spend it with anyone instead of DS or myself. Once in a while is a lovely treat - but that's not enough to sustain any relationship!

I could probably be someone's secondary partner, but that shrinks the odds somewhat.

Singlemum1985 · 19/06/2016 20:23

Can I join this club too😳!

I haven't been on a date (or had sex) since I fell pregnant and my DS turns 6 soon!

Although I need to find a solution as (just posted about this) my son has asked me to find him a Daddy today!

twirlypoo · 19/06/2016 20:54

Ooh - my people!

Ds is 4.5 and I've been single since pregnancy. I actually went on a date last night, because I felt that enough time had passed and I really should.

What someone said about free time being so precious though is completely true. I am almost resentful this morning of wasting the time last night, which is crap!

Also, I know there are sitter websites and stuff, but I know DS would freak and I just couldn't bring myself to cause that disruption to his life just so that j could meet someone.

I dunno what the future brings. Id like a magic wand and for someone to just appear on the end of my sofa, burping and farting while I wear my jammies and no make up. The process to get to that point just seems like too big a hassle though!

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