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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

GRRRRR! Rant about my ex...

18 replies

mammya · 31/05/2004 22:19

Sorry this is rather long (but then it IS a rant... )

Having seen his daughter only once this year (his choice, not mine ), my ex sent me this text last tuesday, and I quote, these are his exact words: "I'll take xxxx this weekend, text back to work out details". My first reaction was to text back "f* off!" or something to that effect but my dd has been asking for her daddy so we made arrangements.

He wanted to bring her back on Sunday night at 8pm but that's her bedtime, so I asked him to either bring her back earlier or to bring her "bed-ready", i.e., fed, bathed and in pyjamas. He said he'd text on the day as he wasn't sure. So far so good.

As you can imagine, any day off that I have (and these are few and far between, as I don't have any family around to help) is soon filled with stuff I 'd rather do without dd around (nothing naughty, I swear!) so on Sunday afternoon I wasn't home and having not heard from ex, I thought I'd make sure to be at home by 6.30pm, that should do. Of course I was mistaken, he texted me at 4.40 to say that they were on their way back! I didn't see the text until 5.30 so of course at 6, as I was making my way home, he called me saying "we're outside your flat, where are you?" Well, not home, you dummy...

I know compared with what some of you are going/have gone through it's not much, but everytime I have to deal with the guy it's the same, he messes me about like this in little ways, so that if I get angry he can accuse me of making a mountain out of a molehill, I try to rise above it but it is SO irritating. Why can't he just be normal ffs? What's wrong with calling/texting earlier in the day to say "I'm planning to leave at whatever time"? GRRRRR...

Thanks for reading so far. So glad I have mumsnet to vent...

OP posts:

sykes · 31/05/2004 22:22

I think he's a cheeky bugger. Not helpful for you or your dd - it's very difficult to know what to do.

tammybear · 31/05/2004 22:23

aww he sounds like my dad and my ex. i dont blame you for feeling how you are. maybe if you explain that next time he should be a bit more informative, it would be much appreciated. when my ex had dd for weekend, i had 3 txts, one each day, and i was furious!! so i know where you're coming from

Original poster

mammya · 31/05/2004 22:29

Yes, I texted him to say that he should let me know earlier when he is thinking of bringing her back, otherwise this sort of things might happen. I think he expects me to wait by the door all day or something. I've also texted him to say that when he wants to see dd at the weekend he should give me a little more notice.

Unfortunately, Sykes, there's not much I can do. I can either stoop down to his level and enter into his pathetic little power games, or rise above it.

OP posts:

sykes · 31/05/2004 22:31

Sorry, I'm sure it's so hard. I wish I could rise above things more - doesn't seem to happen very much. But I'm trying. How are you generally?

tammybear · 31/05/2004 22:36

good for you if you can rise above it all, im trying my hardest to not go mad with ex anymore but its so difficult

Original poster

mammya · 31/05/2004 22:40

I'm good, life is (relatively) good at the moment, I'm still broke but doing a training course, could do with more weekends off, but then that would mean more contact with ex...

Seriously I wish he would take a more active role in dd's life, it breaks my heart when she asks for him or says her teddy/dolly/whatever is sad because they've lost their daddy. He never ever buys her anything either, she didn't get a birthday present or even a phone call from him this year, just a card which hadn't been franked enough (£1.08 to pay!), he's never bought her any shoes or clothes. He's just a shitty dad, frankly.

And what's more, when he has her at the weekend, he dumps her at his mum's so he can go out in the evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

mammya · 31/05/2004 22:42

Well Tammybear I did a whole lot of going mad and that got me nowhere! So now I'm polite and as friendly as I can bear. Then I vent on mumsnet

OP posts:

sykes · 31/05/2004 22:47

God, I'm sorry, it's just such a disgusting thing to do to a child, I htink we met very briefly at Godstone Farm?

Original poster

mammya · 31/05/2004 22:49

yes, we did, very briefly! That was a good day out though it was very cold. Maybe we should do it again, now the weather is better?

OP posts:

sykes · 31/05/2004 22:52

That would be lovely - It's so nice in the summer and you're more than welcome to come back to my house for a glass of wine/tea etc - we live in the village - ie, Godstone.

Original poster

mammya · 31/05/2004 22:59

Maybe we should arrange anohter mumsnet meet up? Only not tonight as I really have to go to bed, I've has such a busy weekend I'm knackered, wanted to go to bed early but been lured by mumsnet...
Anyway enough chit chat, night night. Speak soon Sykes.

OP posts:

Sheila · 01/06/2004 14:46

Hi Mammya - just spotted this and wanted to say I think this kind of behaviour is really common.

My X sees dh once a week but always during the week, never at the weekend - nice for DH because it means he sees his dad and spends one less day at nursery but no benefit to me since I'm at work whatever happens. I'm always late for work on the days he comes because he strolls in at 8.45 and it takes me half an hour to get to work. I always have to ring him to find out when he's coming etc etc

Basically he always has to have things on his terms, and seems to think he's doing me a big favour by seeing DS. If I get angry with him he just stops coming to see DS, turns off his mobile phone etc.

I am full of rage towards him but have to swallow it. Perhaps he feels the same and that's why he's so awkward.

Sorry just an outpouring of bile but you're not alone. Rising above it the best way, but it's so hard!

Original poster

mammya · 01/06/2004 22:13

Sheila, I know just how you feel... For a long time I really bent over backwards to make sure dd had contact with her dad, with him being as awkward as he could and me getting angry and upset, until an "incident" last summer, which was the last straw. I then decided that, while I wouldn't stop ex seeing dd, I wouldn't make any effort to make it happen and it would be on my terms (i.e., instead of me taking her to his place/collecting her, he has to collect her and bring her back, I stopped calling him to know when he would take her next, etc.). It is since then that the visits have become so rare (4 times since last August!), before that she used to go to his place every other weekend. like your ex he seems to think that by having dd at the weekend he's doing me this great favour. Of course I enjoy the free time but that's just a nice perk as far as I'm concerned. What he doesn't seem to realise (and I don't understand how he can't see that) is that it is dd who is suffering the most from the situation. I find it very sad that my dd does not have much contact with her dad but ultimately it's his choice. Also I have started to think that with him being such an arse, perhaps it is better if dd doesn't have so much contact with him. I also wonder, more each time I have to deal with him, what on earth it is that I saw in him to love him so much and live with him for so long...

OP posts:

irishjewels · 04/06/2004 10:13

wow, its my first visit, is so sad that there's so many dedicated mums feeling the same as i am, but still helps to know im not alone. all the work to facilitate visits to dd to be treated like SH** and feel like i should be eternally grateful and under no circumstances attempt to enjoy myself in any way during these times! I really hate those sunday mornings driving ds to dd who has huge hangover and doesnt look or smell capable of looking after himself, let alone a 2yr old. Here's me after no more than 3hrs unbroken sleep in the last two years. And YES YES YES it would be so nice to receive phone call or arrange things in advance PS had to end text communication after one too many ebusive texts at 3am. anyone out there got advice

Freckle · 04/06/2004 11:06

Whilst I can understand why most of you want to foster a good relationship between your children and their errant fathers, I'm amazed that you all seem to go to such great lengths to ensure this when the fathers in question seem to show no such application themselves. It is certainly to your credit that you do this, but, in the long term, I don't think you are really helping the situation. At some point, your lives will take a different direction and you won't then have the time or inclination to do all the running in this respect. A good relationship between absent fathers and their children is really the responsibility of the father in question. When you see those fathers demonstrating in order to get access to their children, you can see that there are women in the world who go out of their way to ensure that the dads don't get to see them. Here you all are running yourselves ragged to do the opposite with little appreciation from the men who benefit.

If your exes are interested in their children, they will make an effort to see them. Your responsibility is merely to ensure that you don't obstruct such contact. As long as you make it clear to your children that their dad is welcome to see them, they will eventually come to see who has their best interests at heart.

Sheila · 04/06/2004 13:20

All true in theory Freckle but the trouble is that it's the mum who has to deal with the consequences of an absent father. I'm not going to stand by while DS is crying because he wants to see his dad when I know XDP will come if I ring him.

This is why I go to so much trouble to make access easy for my ex - because I can't cope with DS's terrible distress when his dad doesn't come.

In the long term when DS is older he will be able to make his own arrangements with XDP if he wants to and I can't wait for that day. But in the meantime I think the harsh reality is that it's up to me to make sure it happens.

Mammya I'm moved by what you say about your x - yes its' amazing to me what I ever saw in XDP - he is a complete tosser.

Freckle · 04/06/2004 13:49

I can see how difficult that must be. As you say, probably best to just bite the bullet at the moment until the child is old enough to decide for itself whether the father is worth the effort.

It's reading threads like this that make me wish my children could really appreciate the truly fantastic father they have.

irishjewels · 18/06/2004 15:18

dd just informed me his car doesnt work any more and i will have to do all the driving from now on. he runs a van and i hate ds travelling in it but of course he knows this. I will try to continue visits, ds eyes light up at the mention of that word daddy. hope you lucky girls out there appreciate good fathers and husbands. ds and i are happy, i know it's not like the waltons or even brady bunch out there on the other side of the fence!

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