Do I have to ? Will it help?

[Lovemykids]

Xh cancelled the last Court hearing (it's starting to hit his pocket!) on the condition I agree to attend Mediation! Not being taken to court obviously benefits me too so I agreed but I honestly don't know what this will achieve.

When Mediation was MY suggestion he flatly refused, but now it's HIS suggestion he thinks this will get him brownie points!

He is an awkard selfish pig and chooses if he will speak to me or not when he picks the children up. If something does NOT suit him he ignores me or has attitude, otherwise he will say the bare minimum.

If I have anything to say regarding the children I will tell him, otherwise I DO NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO THIS MAN!!! He has been verbally and physically abusive ever since he left us (witnessed by my eldest dd, who has had problems since he left) and ignores all my concerns/requests etc - so why the hell should I have to speak to him?

I DO NOT want to go to mediation because I DO NOT want to speak to him.

If I have anything to say to him I speak to him out of earshot of the children and I act very normal in front of them with the exception of making conversation with him. I don't see this as an issue to them as I keep all the attention and focus on them! They are young so why would they notice that we don't actually have a conversation with each other?

I have explained problems I have with the children after access with him but it falls on deaf ears and he just does what he thinks is right whether it benefits the children or not! SELFISH PIG!

DO I HAVE TO SPEAK TO THIS MAN - APART FROM TELLING HIM WHAT HE NEEDS TO KNOW?

DOES IT HAVE AN AFFECT ON THE CHILDREN?

WILL MEDIATION ACHIEVE ANYTHING? - He's a typical 'bully' who will deny everything and come across as an extremely loving caring person and he will make me out to be the bad one/bitch etc...............

I can't even bear the thought of sitting in the same room as him.

Any advice please?

Sorry i cant really help but i hope you get things sorted. In an ideal world i would say dont go but then it could be a good thing. If he tries to lie he will get caught out and then if he messes the children around you have someone to back you up in that you were prepared to try and gave him all the chances.

Hi. I'm sorry, I also can't advise you on mediation, as I don't have any experience, but I wanted to add my thoughts to this thread as I feel I can empathise with your feelings about your xh. I know there are always two sides to every story and people behave badly when they are upset, (etc....), but there are also people who are innately very selfish and immature and cruel and my xp is one of them. Like your xh, he comes across to those who don't know him well (and to me at first) as a normal caring person. I understand how frustrating being in contact with such a bully can be. If your xh is anything like my xp, he derives satisfaction from manipulating and upsetting you and then pretending nothing's happened, so that you feel like you're going mad, all the time pretending that he is the 'reasonable' one. He's so wrapped up in himself, he may not even be fully aware of his own motives or that he is hurting his children in the process. It's unfair on you but I think you know it is probably better to go along with the mediation process. As astonishedandamazed says, it is possible something good might come out of it and, even if this is not the case, you will have tried (and have been seen to have tried) your best for your children. As a bonus, you will have denied him the satisfaction of putting you in the wrong and/or seeing you wound up which he would only feed on. You're strong and that's why you had a rant on here instead of letting him get to you. You know that you are a good person who puts her children first and the mediator will see this too.

What are you going to Court for?

It could reflect badly on you if you aren't willing to give it a go and see if you can come to some agreement out of Court.

is mediation through cafcass if so they should see you both separately if your reqquest adn explain your concerns

He took me to Court for access to the children - NEVER stopped him from seeing them just restricted his access because of the affect his verbal/physical abuse had on my eldest dd! Taking me to Court was another 'control thing/personal attack' on me!

I'm probably going to sound really shitty now but - this is how I see it - he f'cks off with his ex girlfriend, makes our lives hell from the day he steps out of the door, he stops all funds to get me out of our marital home quicker (not in work at this point), physically and verbally abuses me most times he has access to the children AND IN FRONT OF THEM! - the only way I can control his level of abuse is by NOT talking to him, he then turns things around and only speaks to me/semi-nice to me if he wants me to agree to something and this has continued up to this point.

When myself and the children have gone through hell and back because of this man why on earth should I have to let him continue being a bully and getting his own way just because we go to mediation?

He wants to look as though he is the one trying to get communication going between us and that I'm the one in the wrong.

Why should I forgive what this man has done - and I am not talking about him leaving me for his ex because she is well and truly welcome to him - it is the level of shit and abuse he has put us through! I could understand if I had left him but to this day he does not make one part of this process easy for us and I will NEVER forgive him for that when he was the one that walked out - he must feel tremendous GUILT to be so f'ing NASTY!

I do not see us not communicating as a problem when handing over the children and like I said before if I need to say something about the children I talk to him away from them (and civilly!) When he stands there with attitude, doesn't listen or blatantly lies/denies things etc etc I feel like smashing him in the face but I dont - I just say what I have to and walk away.

He wants me to start speaking to him to let him off the hook, make him feel better about leaving and MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER! He will NEVER make my life easier so why the hell should I give him the satisfaction?

I DO NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO THIS MAN other than what I have to say to him about the children! NO-ONE CAN MAKE ME SURELY?!

You don't have to speak to him other than to look at the best way to ensure the children's needs are met adn to reduce the stress his visits casue to you and them.
It sounds as if he is trying to control the situation, you should go to mediation if only to call his bluff adn show yourself as resonable, also document all contact you have with him. Also speak in private to whoever is mediatiing adn discuss your concerns re his control and verbal abuse

That's sound advice from gothicmama. They can't make you speak to him Lovemykids, I think the Courts just prefer couples to try to come to an agreement out of court as they think it's better than imposing one.

What contact is he asking for and what would you like him to have?

I am working towards him having overnight access - but I'm reluctant while the dd's are having problems after his visits! He has had them a few times overnight which I am hoping to build on, but we all suffer on their return (except him of course because he doesn't witness any of this and thinks I'm just lying!) I have sought professional help because of the problems I have, so we can resolve the childrens issues (but he still goes against my wishes and then we go back ten paces! and I have to start the process all over again!)

They are only young (preschool)- so I see no rush - I want this to be in their time and NOT HIS! I have explained the problems to him but he just calls me a liar - I have even shown him evidence! I swear he thinks I've even made that up!

I just think it's all down to him being controlling and a bully and whatever I say to him he just does the opposite (even if this has an affect on the dd's!) - just so he feels back in control! I think other people stick their noses in without knowing the full facts as well and he is so easily influenced by family etc........

I don't stop him from seeing the children so I really don't see what his problem is?! Surely it's quality time spent with them not quantity?

I tried mediation but found it too stressful:-

1. ex twisted what was agreed so I had to put up with consequences til next meeting which was once a month
2. I had to travel quite a distant
3. had to find child care for kids while we went

so I stopped mediation (I instigated it in 1st place) & we are now going through solicitors

you need to look after yourself & IMO if speaking to him hurts / upsets you dont do it.

could you write him a calm letter asking exactly what access he wants & take it from there?

hard isnt it

Your feelings about speaking to him aside, do you feel that you could sort something out via mediation, because if not then just go for a court hearing again. I guess - but am NO expert on this - you might run the risk of the Court ordering something you don't want, whereas with mediation you might still be able to negotiate something that you're happy with.

Sounds a really difficult situation.