Scared of my eldest son.

[Valentinas]

I already feel awful to say that about my own son but the truth is, sometimes he unnerves me.

DS (now 20) moved out of the house at 18, a year after his father passed away. It was extremely hard for DD since she was very close with both of them, especially DS.

I visit him often for lunch (he loves to cook) so he can update me on his life/work/studies but more recently i've found he's taken to badmouthing his father at every opportunity, which is painful for me to hear.

I don't remember a time when i've been truly upset with him before but after a certain point I knew i'd had enough so I said so and in the most demeaning way possible, he laughed at me and spun some rotten joke about me getting away with it "the m word".

Well, of course that hurt me. Don't misunderstand me, I love my son to pieces, but we had a true argument after that. Its like I was watching a flip switch, he was shouting at me and of course i'm not going to let my son treat me like that so i'm trying to be reasonable but he threw the teapot at me and broke his plates like a child throwing a tantrum!

Except he's not a child, he's a young man. And is so like his father, which makes it all the worse. Well, I cried all the way home that morning really shook me up and brought up a lot of questions for me. We had lunch the next week and he was so very sorry, he bought me some flowers etc but I felt he was very deliberate and careful with his words. I haven't seen him since, we are meant to meet tomorrow, but it is with a heavy heart that I realize (and not for the first time) in the back of my mind I am scared of my strange son.

Admitting that to myself breaks my heart all over again, it makes me feel like a cold mother which I know deep down i'm not but I just can't bear it and I can't make sense of what has happened. The other half of me just thinks I am truly losing the plot and becoming paranoid about things and that I must be the worst mother in the world to speak about my son like this.

I just don't know what I can do.

You are not a bad mother at all for saying this, for feeling that and even if you don't particularly like your son as a result of all this, you are still not a bad mother. He has frightened and intimidated you and that is not acceptable at all. Reading between the lines I can imagine your son is experiencing some tremendous emotions over the loss of his father. That doesn't make his actions ok though. Has he seen a counsellor before? I'm a massive advocate for it but I'm a female who loves to talk.

With regards to the teapot, I think you need to be really clear on what you will and won't accept from him and what the consequences will be if he does any of those things that cross that boundary. Throwing that teapot is by far crossing a boundary he should never cross. I know he is an adult and not at home but I think the same rules apply as if he were a child in some respects, eg there will be consequences when a boundary is crossed. The flowers just won't cut it! I wonder if writing him a letter or an email would be a good way of explaining things. Just in case you become intimidated and back down or feel guilty. You should not feel guilty here at all btw! I know we do as mums though. If you excuse his behaviour or blame yourself, he wont take reaponsibility for his actions and no matter what you may have said or done ( if anything) you cannot be a target for physical and verbal abuse from him ever. I'd be scared of that myself. I find it hard enough dealing with aggression from my small child.
I remember having an adult tantrum when I was 20. I smashed a few things in my room whilst my mum stood there. I didn't throw anything at her as my mum would probably have turned against me and either not spoken to me for weeks or asked me to leave the home and live somewhere else.
Don't let your fear of 'losing' him or pushing him away prevent you from clarifying what you won't accept from him. You can still love him whilst showing him that you won't tolerate that. I think you need to be tough on this one. I would explain that you don't feel safe around him and that he has crossed a line in his actions. And as a result, I wouldn't have him in your house until you feel like he can control his anger towards you. I would tell him this. I'd also find a local counsellor, and explain that if he wants to continue having a good relationship with you and be welcome into the home again, he needs to attend a set amount of therapy sessions with you and then by himself at a later date. You can then go from there.
You might think this sounds way too over the top. It might be. I know we all flip sometimes. I sense that you need to be a bit tough with him though. You can still love him and express your love and forgiveness whilst explaining what he now has to do to address this. You can frame it in a kind supportive way. If he wants and needs you in his life, he will come round to doing this. You just can't sweep this under the carpet though and let it carry on as normal with just a sorry and some flowers.
Really feel for you. I get so upset when my child rages at me. It's not the same I know and I'm not belittling your situation with the comparison. It's so tough when you are on your own. I really hope you have some support for yourself?

he is an adult and he is being violent to you. this is not acceptable.

when it is your child, adult though they are, it is very very difficult to get your head around. I worry that ds will turn out to be violent. (he has asd and his dad was violent)

he might still be hormonal and tantrummy and grieving but it is still not acceptable. he may grow out of it. but it is still not acceptable now.