Absent Father

[samh83]

Hi,
This is my first post & I am after some advice.
My daughters father left the family home approx. 20 months ago. It was my decision for him to leave, he took it quite well (neither of us were seeing someone else) I had just had enough of the same sh*t different day constantly.
Anyway, after leaving he saw my daughter 3 times, up until November 2014 (her 4th birthday) he was picking her up once a month for 45 mins - 1 hour, pointless in my opinion. He would text me on the morning asking to see her no routine or anything, so on a couple of occasions after November I already had plans so told him he couldn't come for her. Any way from Christmas 2014 he hasn't text rang or anything to see her or speak to her (no presents / cards etc for Christmas or birthdays). In fact I took her to hospital last April as she was quite ill & his response to my telling him she was in hospital was 'I hope she feels better soon' we have seen him and he drives straight past or looks away, we both have new partners, mine spends time with my kids. His I don't think has any kids of her own and has never met my daughter.
But recently shes asking after him all the time, last night I spent approx. 45 mins trying to calm her down & stop her asking for him, he wasn't really active in her life even when we were together didn't take her out or spend time with her so I don't understand what it is she thinks shes missing. I know shes 5 & all her friends probably have their dads around so that might be a trigger??? I really don't want to get in touch with him if he wanted anything to do with her he would have either asked to see her or tried to take me to court or something surely???? She has his surname, I want it changed to mine, its really p-ing me off. I have a son (he is 9) who spends every weekend with his dad and I get on really well with his girlfriend, so I know its not me being awkward or causing issues!
Has anyone else been in this situation?

Hi. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My ex was similar. It sounds like your daughter is trying to work out why her dad is now gone, take each day at a time and just get through. It does get easier and you become stronger in the end. Regarding the name change, if he is on the birth certificate, he needs to give permission until the child is 16. I have 3 kids and one spent years wanting to change his name then decided it wasn't that important. My other son couldn't be happier because he ditched his father's name as soon as he could. My daughter is undecided. The important thing is that they decide, and I have learned that it really isn't the most important thing afterall. Hang in there xxx

My little girl is 3, nearly 4 and hasn't seen her dad since before her first birthday.

She's recently started asking about "daddy" it's not her dad she's asking for, just the idea of a daddy. She doesn't remember him or recognise him in pictures, she's just seen her friends at nursery being picked up by their daddy, she's seen my eldest go off with her dad.

I don't think it's anything to worry about really.

With my ex it was a dv situation and he's been blocked by social services from seeing the children, unless he takes me to court. He's never met my 2yo son.

I expect it's a phase and will pass. Just get through each day and breathe.

My DS stopped seeing his Dad age 3... I would say age 5 was the most difficult age for him ..I thought been on the playground, Biff kip and chip in there nice "normal" family and an age of realization he was not the same was the reason..

They still see things simplistically.. I told my DS I didn't understand why Daddy didn't see him. I also had to reassure him I would not abandon him.. It was like a revolving door it would stop and then a while later we would be back where we were.. I would say by 7 he seems to just accept it.. but each child is different.

It is really tough.. I didn't make excuses.. I think they have to grieve in a way

You can do a 'known as' name change at school. That's what I did. I wanted to have same surname as daughter... makes life a lot easier! She still has her dad's surname at Dr's and on passport, but for day to day life she is miss it tooshallpass. She is very happy with that as it makes us more connected. Her dad sees her, but not on a regular basis.