I'm a mother on the edge! HELP ME!

[SingleMum91]

I'm a single mum to a 4 month old baby, I have no support unit at all. At first it was brilliant, i was loving being a mum but that's because I possibly had the most perfect baby, she slept through the night from being 2 weeks old & hardly ever cried. Then it changed! From being about 8 weeks old she began teething so she was a bit teary & grumpy but it was on & off & fairly easy to deal with. Then at 12 weeks she had her second lot of jabs & we had 4 weeks where she pretty much screamed all day & night, not helping with the fact she got a cold so was struggling to breath through her nose. After about 3 weeks of no sleeping & having no break from a screaming baby I had a little meltdown, it was dropping a plate that set me off but I smashed up the kitchen, punched a wall, broke my phone & slammed numerous doors around the house & finally collapsed in a heap on the floor & sobbed - I even contemplated killing myself - all whilst my poor, ill baby cried in her Moses basket. I felt awful & like the worst mother in the world but the only reason I didn't kill myself that day was because I couldn't bare the thought of leaving my precious baby girl all alone, I love her to bits & I hate the thought of her being left with no parents or family, so I pulled myself together & carried on. Soon as her cold had gone & she had gotten over her jabs we had 2 weeks where it went back to just the odd fit where her teeth were hurting, which again was easily solved. Then last week (at 18 weeks old) she had her last lot of jabs & since she has been screaming non-stop again but she also seems to have learnt how to squeal which she does whether she's happy or not. It is the most horrendous noise, sounds like a fucking banshee (mind my language) & no matter what I do. She refuses to go to sleep at night even though she is knackered, she just screams, squeals, pulls her blanket over her head, throws her dummy & teddy around & kicks & head-butts the cot (luckily there's bumpers). I've tried cuddling her but if I try to cuddle her to sleep she try's to throw herself out of my arms & I'm scared I'll end up dropping her. I have no idea how to get the nice little baby I once had back & to stop that horrendous squealing. I can feel myself getting more angry & exhausted, literally living on red bull which I know I shouldn't because I will crash & burn when I stop but it is the only thing giving me the energy & strength to carry on. I feel like the worst mother for getting angry when I know she is feeling a bit rough but I suffer with headaches/migraines & the squealing isn't helping. I have also had the worst earache the past few days. I just want to give up, curl up in the corner & die. I feel like I am a crap, useless, worthless mother & that maybe she would be better off with an adopted family but it hurts me so much to think that because I have so much love for her & deep down I know it's just a rough patch but without any help I just don't know how to carry on. I cry myself to sleep every night, on a few occasions I have got myself that worked up that I hyperventilate, end up shaking, feeling sick & getting really bad stabbing pains in my chest.

Sorry it is so long just wanted to give as much information as I could. Does anyone have any ideas on how to stop the squealing & to settle her down?

Firstly you are doing really well.. You are doing it on your own..It is tough with 2 parents... The lack of sleep total dependence is really tough..

Do you have a local sure start centre they can be good for groups..

Also google baby groups and your local town.. Or local FB groups post on there.

Your DD doesn't sounds out of normal..Some weeks are much more trying than others...My DS had 10 teeth come through in a fortnight..He is 8 now I still recall that awful two weeks..

That's brilliant . Good idea about getting out of the house, the baby might sleep, and the fresh air will do her good. You can and are doing this, well done.

I've heard great things about Homestart. Things I did that helped me:

• got out and about as much as poss so not dealing with crying baby home alone. The library, the supermarket, local children's centre, park. Even if it was just a quick chat over someone's dog it was still a distraction for both of us.
• used social media to feel less alone. 'Liked' funny blogs like Hurrah for Gin on Facebook and came on mumsnet.
• used music to help me feel calmer. Classic Fm and Chill worked for me.

-worked really really hard at building some local mum friends. It meant doing things that felt awkward like initiating conversations, butting into existing groups but was good. I did a baby massage course at my childrena centre that was only £2 a week.

• got it plenty of easy to eat foods! Bananas, soups, those fresh tortellini that take 2 mins to cook
• tried to do enjoyable things with baby as much as poss-baths together, massage, lying in the grass with no socks and wiggling toes etc
• on bad evenings with colic wrapped up warm and pushed buggy around the streets
• on bad days would say And This Too Shall Pass.
• napped or indulged myself (shower/ stretch/ peaceful cup of tea) when she slept and let the house look like a sh't tip!

-went to visit family a few times. You sound like you are not very close but is there anyone in your family or any old friends you are close to? I would prioritise support over a current job potentially.

You got this! X

So happy to hear your very pro-active progress OP, you are awesome for speaking up for yourself and caring for your needs. I'm also delighted to hear Homestart responded so quickly, I'd be very interested to hear how that goes, please give us an update. You are doing so well and hopefully you will be building that network of sanity savers otherwise known as "friends who get it" soon.

Thank God for mumsnet! So many wise words here and care, love and good wishes cheering you on, you are amazing , I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you and your little one

Hope it goes well today, you are doing the right thing. Good luck this afternoon.

Just met a lovely lady from homestart, she spent about 2 hours chatting to me about the different mums & tot groups that are on in our town & surrounding areas. She has sorted it so I will get a volunteer come round for an hour every Wednesday until I feel that I no longer need it. I have been given a few numbers for when I just need a chat or if I urgently need help a different day during the week. She also took me for a lovely walk in the country side & told me where all the parks & lovely walk ways are round here. She has reassured me that I am not alone.

Thank you all so much for the advice & pointing me in the right direction for help.

Next step is to get over my shyness & go meet other mums at mums & tots.

I'm happy and relieved for you. Don't hesitate to call them if you find yourself feeling desperate. And don't hesitate to ask your neighbors either. Even if they seem busy or older than you or whatever, if you need to get away from your little squealer I am sure there are one or two who would be glad to help. People like to feel useful, you know.

The warmer weather and fresh air will make you feel better soon, too. :)

mums and tots is brilliant - once you get to know people you can get loads of advice and tips. Plus it gets you out and about.

The good things about groups is most people are people are going through the same life changes due to baby.Lots of people find that once they have a baby life can be quite lonley...

I moved to a new Town ( small town ) when my DS was 15 months old.. I didn't know a soul here.. I made myself go to groups and speak to people even if I wasn't in the mood.. I now have a good circle of friends..I rarely go into town and don't see anyone I know.. I am not a naturally outgoing person infact was struggling with agraphobia for years before I had DS

Well done you. It is hard to ask for help, it takes self awareness and strength. Forgive yourself for the awful moments. Wishing you and your dd all the good things.