Going to be joining you here soon but worried about how I'm going to cope

[fannyannie]

DH and I are splitting up after 7rs of marriage. I'm pg with DC3 and already have 2 DS's who are 6 and 3. I'm getting all the 'practicalities' worked out (I've decided to move out and let him stay in the house - long complicated decision but I'm happy with it), and I've spoken to CAB and know I'll be easily be able to afford to pay my bills, buy food etc etc.

I'm just scared about how I'm going to cope emotionally, I still really hoped DH and I could work things out and get back from 'friends' to 'lovers' but it's not going to happen and I've just about accepted that (although a small part of me keep hoping that he'll change his mind...)

. He's going to see lots of the children (he wanted to keep them here with him initially that's how much he wants to keep contact!) and I'm thrilled that he's going to continue having a relationship with the DS's (and DC3 when it arrives).

So finances and children are ok in my head now - it's just I'm dreading the long lonely evenings, having to make my own company once the children are in bed. Even though DH and I are splitting up we are still friends, so we are at least chatting in the evenings but the thought of sitting there on my own scares me.

What can I do to try and make it easier for myself???

My god, you poor thing having go go through all this when you are pregnant! I hope that he is helping you move etc. You need to get friends to come round every evening and spend time with you, or find something that will really occupy you, although when you are pregnant you are usually quite tired, aren't you?
The thing is that you will cope because you have to. You will find things to do, people to talk to on the phone, TV programmes that distract you etc. And just enjoy the peace because once the new baby comes and you are on your own your life will be so busy you'll look back with fondness at those quiet evenings!
Good luck!

thanks for your reply - yes it's hard going through it when I'm pg - but I knew things weren't right with us and it was me who sat him down to talk about 'us' - he admitted we were no more than friends and we had no future as 'lovers' together - and I knew then that it was better to make the 'break' now before DC3 arrives than to try and hang on and risk us not even getting along.

I thought if we were going to split up at some point I'd rather do it now - with nearly a year off with maternity leave to help the DS's settle into a new lifestyle than waiting until afterwards.

He's helping me out with the moving, and we're managing to do everything (so far) amicably.

I'm just scared how I'll cope being a single mum [frown]

take advantage of your lovely soon to be ex-let him have kids overnight, and then you can go out. Go to a night class to make new friends. Go to gym , swimming etc or just to pub for a bit. Then you wont need to saty in all lonely

I think you've handled this with great dignity and courage, as it's obvious you still love him and want him to stay.

You will survive, I can just tell by reading your posts. Stay here where you know lots of other women have faced what you are facing, and lean on us for strength. I wish you lots of inner peace and strength to get through till you reach the other side.

Perhaps given time he will miss you and want to rekindle things, there is always hope. But you get on with your life and take care of yourself and your babies. Concentrate on healing and comforting yourself and making sure they are all right. xx

thank anorak - you've just made me cry again with your lovely post .

I'll try and stay in touch on MN - I probably wont have a computer for a while - unless I can get a working one that can connect for the internet for very cheap - but I'll do my best.

Perhaps there is a mumsnetter out there with a spare old pc they don't need, you never know, it wouldn't be the first time, would it?

I suppose that is a small possibility.

I do still love him, and I want him to be happy - and if he's not happy in our relationship - and I wasn't happy with how things had got either then I think seperating is the best thing for him and probably for me too. It's just so hard to take in.

Hi
Me too my h has just left me with 4 and i really dont know how i am going to cope at all. I am going to start my own thread too as at the moment everyone seems to be couples. I too still feel very attached to him and am finding it very difficult to let go and move on.
Help needed

It's hard. Really hard. The evenings are long. It takes a lot of getting used to but it's bearable, honest!

If your ex can help with the kids, that's great. And, if you're not moving far, maybe you can have friends over for company in the evening? Or even better, have ex babysit and go out. Do you have people nearby to help?

And, even though it's hard, I am sure it does get easier. I hope so anyway...

he'll be able to help with the kids - we've already agreed (although no exact details yet) that he'll have plenty of access to them and will have them staying over regularly. And I'm certainly not going to be moving far - I'm going to be able to afford to move somewhere within walking distance of where I am now (which is right next to the school and church).

Thankfully I've also got a good network of people at church who already help me out when he's working (doesn't really feel right saying DH now, but can't bring myself to use "ex" yet) and I'm sure they'll continue to be a great help if I need them.

Message withdrawn

Meal times won't be too bad - dH is never here at meal times anyhow (apart from weekends) because of the hours he works - and sometimes I'll eat with the DS's sometimes on my own.

It's the 4 (or more) hours after the boys are in bed, before I go to bed I'm worried about.

I should be able to afford internet access whereever I move to.....it's just affording a computer to use it with that could be an issue for a while.

No - he can't afford to - and although he's the one that's said we'll never be anything be more than friends it was me that said we should split up (after he said that). He was ok with me staying here on 'friends' terms - but I couldn't cope with that.

Although he's said that what I feel for him isn't love - I (think) I do still love him and desperately hoped that we'd be able to go for marriage counselling to try and work things out. However he's said we've been nothing more than friends for too long, and too much stuff has happened for us to ever get back to what we once had.

It hurts, it really hurts, but I want him to be happy as well and if that means giving him the freedom to find someone to be happy with I feel it's what I should do.

FA, I'm sorry it's hurts so much. I know how painful it is and I wish I could make it better. Time will help... (although I know it doesn't feel like it)

Can you look for a computer on your local freecycle? Or maybe on MN - people are always getting rid of computers that still work.

I've asked him lots of times and he just isn't interested - like you say it's like his feelings have just shut down. We're still getting on well, like good friends would, but there's no love and I can't see him changing his mind - although I won't stop trying......then again I don't want to keep asking him all the time incase it drives us even further apart IYKWIM.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I moved out when DS was 3 weeks old. It was hard at first, I cried a lot for a few weeks, but then I started to feel OK again. Like you, me and my ex were good friends - still are - so I didn't have any really nasty memories to focus on.

But it's not so bad being on your own. You discover lots of things you'd forgotten you enjoyed doing - hobbies etc. And you'll probably speak to your friends much more. And they'll also start confessing that their marriages are in trouble too! I've noticed that - there's a conspiracy of silence while everyone is a "happy couple", but if someone breaks away, then the truth comes out!

And you never know, he might change his mind. My ex did - after a few weeks, he wanted me back. I didn't take him seriously, but 1.5 years later he's still saying it. But I don't want to go back (long story). What I'm saying is that men often don't appreciate what they want till they're forced to. They generally don't have the same imagination as women do, so they can't picture how miserable they'll be till it becomes a reality.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Rachel - that's reassuring to hear. I'm trying to stay as optomistic as I can about the whole thing (without losing sense of reality) but it's hard when "D"H has already emotionally detached himself (having done so a long time ago it would appear - but just not wanting to say anything!) whereas it's all still fresh and raw to me.

I know what you mean.

Me and my ex discussed splitting quite early on in my pregnancy, and agreed we ought to, but then didn't talk about it again. He then sent me an e-mail (I kid you not!) at work when I was 34 weeks pregnant, telling me that it was about time I moved out. I was upset, naturally, and still in tears when I got home that evening. He was cool as a cucumber, totally emotionally detached. He actually said "I don't know why you're upset, we discussed this ages ago". He just wanted me out so he could "get on with the rest of his life". I've never seen anyone so unemotional and detached. It tore me apart.

However, when I'd gone and he was able to "get on with his life", he discovered that his sad little life wasn't much fun without me. I couldn't believe the transformation, from uncaring ice-man to the weeping needy character he became.

Sadly it was too little too late for me.

Believe me, some men really don't know their own minds!