Contact for baby

[annie07]

Hello, i've a one month old baby and the father of the baby (who was a one night stand) is wanting contact. I've no problem with this, but i just wanted to know how often people think - once a fortnight? I'm really worried about him being with the baby without me there and I wanted contact to take place at mine - what do others think? also the father is wanting the baby to stay over with him and I've said no to this as I don't think the baby should have an overnight stay with him till much much older - i was thinking not till baby at least 2 years old - what do others think about this? and has anyone been in a similar position? any advice and comments appreciated as very very worried and upset about it all

caligula-it is very difficult to argue contact has been denied over a lengthy period if there is no recourse to the Court on the part of the father!-difficult to justify that one under x examination!

I spose they will police a Community service order very much in the way that they do under the criminal law.

It is in my view a very good tool for a Court to have in trying to compel a genuinely obdurate parent that they must comply with the order of the Court.

Xenia - I don't think that Annie has been disputing the fact that children do better with fathers. However she has just had a baby, is very vulnerable, is alone and needs to gather all her strength to look after her child and herself. I have been alone during pregnancy and with a baby and it's hard. The father is pressurising her when she is most vulnerable and she is already doing the right thing by allowing him access. But I don't think she should be doing so to her detriment. Her child needs her and in her childs' eye she is God.
I found seeing my child's father after she was born and after he'd treated me so badly during the pregnancy incredibly difficult, and how I feel does have a bearing on the welfare of my child. Annie has no idea what this man is like so needs to be very cautious about handing over her baby, he may be the child's father but he is still a stranger.
You are fortunate that arrangements between you and your ex have been reasonably dealt with. That is not often the case and Annie is just doing what any mother would do to protect herself and her child. She is seeking advice, taking things slowly and thinking it through.
Your approach to transgressions of contact orders seems a little draconian. Criminalising such transgressions takes the personal into the public domain a little too much in my opinion.
I really hope that this doesn't drag on too much for Annie because it drains your energy and leaves you feeling very down.

clare both your posts are the best ones written for annie on here, i hope she reads them. and i have to say as a single parent who was made homeless whilst pregnant by my ex and then subsequently had my first court appearance for access when ds was just 5weeks old i know exactly what you mean about feelings towards the father. and a very good point raised that, if it was you,it is totally different when a father has supported his pregnant partner and been with the child from the start

annie, do hope you are ok today

clareandbean
I agree with most of your last post-but I deal with cases on a weekly basis where good, loving and kind fathers donot have a relationship with their children because of an unreasonable and obdurate mother IN THOSE CASES it is absolutely right to have a means of dealing with a parent who thwarts the order of the Court. To do otherwise would serioulsy undermine the authority of the Court.

I acknowledge also that there are many cases where the father is a complete w*er in many different ways.

Believe me-in those circumstances the Courts and reporting officers are extremely sympathetic to the mother whilst trying to maintain the child's right to contact.

Annie will undoubtedly receive a great deal of consideration given what she says of the history and also the age of her child and her own vulnerability at present.

agree with you chipkid, youve given me loads of brilliant advice before

i should have worded my last message better. i didnt mean clares messages were the ones that provide the best info, i meant they provided a brilliant view of exactly how annie is feeling emotionally at the moment from another person that has been through the same as she is going through at the moment.

clare, do you mind me asking how long your ex visits at your home for? im hoping that this spring my ds will feel ready to walk out of the door with his father. im also hoping that his father will not force the issue because of his "rights" if ds is screaming and doesnt want to go. hopefully that wont happen and he'll go with off with happily

glad to have helped brandy-sounds like you are handling your situation brilliantly. With your obvious support your ds will have all the confidence he needs to go with his father. I hope it works out for you all

yea thanks chipkid, it wasnt so easy first time round with the courts, i was very very bitter and twisted to the ex. he was the same with me. back to courts again now, even though ive stuck to agreements with contact! never mind, im too tired to be angry with him now and over the last year ds has gradually likened to him. its taken an awful long time though, so we'll see what the spring brings.

il probably be on here posting in the legal and waiting for youto pop in and answer my worries

Brandy7
My ex picks my daughter up from nursery one day a week and sees her for the 2 hours before she goes to bed. He also sees her every other Saturday for 3 hours. This is challenging enough for him, he always says he's exhausted afterwards. My daughter would probably be happy to leave the house with him but my concerns center around his living arrangements and his excessive consumption of alcohol, cigarettes and soft drugs.
My ex has no rights as such, he is not on my daughter's birth cerficate and would not go to Court due to the costs. We have rows but eventually we manage to come to sensible arrangements.
I just feel very protective of a child that I fought to keep, struggled to financially provide for, give a home to etc and feel that I know her better than anyone and therefore can make the best decisions. I try to put the emotions about my ex out of the way but that's not easy.
Chipkid,
I'm sure there are difficult mothers out there. A friend of mine had a penal order put on her by the courts for refusing to let her daughter see her father. In the end it turned out that she was absolutely right to do so as contact with the father was damaging the child (the child was psychologically assesed). Now the child has no contact with her dad and is much happier. I tend to feel that generally mothers do know what is best, but that's an emotional reaction rather than a factual one. I'm sure your experience tells you otherwise.

There are absolutely thousands of dreadful mothers out there who deny their children's fathers the chance to see the children. It's disgusting. It realy upsets me. Time and again they come up with some pathetic little excuse as to why yet again the child wasn't available at the time agreed. Something needs to be done about it and I hope these new community service orders make mothers realise a court order must be obeyed.

mothers do know what is best when they are consumed by what is in the best interests of their child as opposed to their own (often understandable)need to eradicate a man from their life even if they are the father of their child. There is often a conflict of interest between the child and the resident parent that is not easily resolved.
Attempts are always made to coax an obdurate mother (or sometimes father) before penal notices are attached.
It is a really sorry business for all involved.

Xenia, there are even more fathers out there who do not bother to keep contact agreements, turn up consistently late or not at all and generally use their contact rights as a means to bait and or control resident mothers.

Something should be done about that too imo.

A little bit of balance eh?

What irked on the 'sensible' part was that we all have individual circumstances sometimes the sensible choice is not see them due to the given reason. It is not because I think all mothers are gods.

Yes I absolutely agree they do benefit from seeing thier father, my reaction was not a because that is my circumstance - my ds is 14 months and his father refuses to acknowledge him.

Annie I hope you are feeling a bit better today (things always seem worse at night) even if you haven't got anywhere.

I think i'll be putting the cat amongst the pigeons here but.... !
Looking at it from the fathers point of view, you are also as much of a stranger to him as he is to you.
You have full time care of a child that is equally as much his as yours.
I also received a lot of abuse from my ex when I was pregnant, but I still wished that my DS could have had a relationship with his father (who chose not to).
I still believe that he could have been a good father despite our differences.
As long as this type of behaviour does not happen in front of the child, then would it not be better?
I don't mean to upset you any further, you are still at a vunerable time with your baby so young, but he is showing that he want's a relationship with the child.

dont forget the OP had a one night stand and i think a lot of her worries are that she doesnt know anything about him and from experience a lot of fathers drag mums through court just to hurt them. hopefully this man is genuine and annie07 given time to recover after the birth will form a more amicable relationship with the babies father

Hopefully this is the case.
It is still an emotionally raw time so soon after the birth.

Don't actually think she wants to stop him seeing the baby, but wants to know whats best/what others do ,before getting into discussion over it.Also he seems to have scared her with the mention of o/ns at 1 month old.

Have only returned to this thread today because did not feel up to it before as I was so upset and angry about it all but I am utterly astonished at number of messages. Thank you particularly to clareandbean, brandy7, sandydut, nikki, mylittlestar for your really helpful posts lots of

just for eleusis (hope ive spelt it right) so that I think I've answered all questions - the fathers not on the birth certificate because I did not put him on as birth was registered in the hospital(the father and I had discussed names etc), it can always be amended im told at a later stage should the father wish to go on it (which he doesnt at the moment). the father to date has provided no financial support and has said he will not provide any financial support on the basis that he feels he should get shared residence.

and one last thing (for xenia), there's no need on my part for paternity testing as he was the only person I slept (even if it was, god forbid, an immoral one night stand) with for the entire year of 2006, but I would be happy to do dna testing if the father requested it as, contrary to what you seem to think, I have no active desire to obstruct the father/justice/law etc

Annie07, I really hope that everything turns out well for you and your little one. You sound like a fabulous mother - agonising whats best for your baby. I really don't know what to tell you except to trust your instincts. Don't let this man bully you, he obviously does'nt sound to nice. I don't understand why he is insisting on contact and overnights when he does'nt want his name on birth cert? it sounds to be, like you have said, that he is really just trying to make things awkard for you but that if he looses interest in that, his name is not on cert so he could deny paternity? im sorry to be so blunt but he sounds quite vindictive to me. I could be wrong. Also, how can he expect contact with baby when he won't financially support little one or treat the woman who created his child with any respect - this child he so desperately wants contact with???!! Its makes me really really mad, all of us here understand how difficult it is after having a baby - tired/ sore/ emotional.... even with a supportive partner. You should'nt need to put up with this upset. For what it's worth, I think your fantastic. I wish you and baby the very very best.

Rightly or wrongly, I wouldn't have let anyone look after my baby overnight at that age. To be honest, I didn't let him out of my sight for months and months. I did leave him for an hour with my Mum when he was about 4 months old, so I could have my hair cut - but that was it. I understand your fears. I don't care what the law says - I would have shot anyone who tried to take DS away from me!

Glad to see you came back, thought you had been scared off .

hiya annie07, glad you came back on here. hows things with you?

i had a court again last week for contact and the judge recommended medical evidence be gathered for review in april . my ex has been having supervised contact for 8hours spread out over 4 weeks since last august. hope youre ok

Hi Annie,
Hope you are doing OK. Just to let you know I did have to do a DNA test for my daughter. I knew who her father was but he didn't believe me. Also he isn't on her birth certificate, he was too lazy to make the effort to contact me to organise coming to the registrar's to get it done. The father of your baby is mad to think he should have shared residence. This is your baby, you did all the hard work in terms of caring for yourself during pregnancy and giving birth. I'm really going to annoy people here by saying that although my baby is genetically half me and half my ex, in reality she is barely anything to do with him. I do everything for her therefore I feel I deserve the right to make decisions regarding her welfare, which includes when and where she sees her father. If he had decided to stay with me during my pregnancy, birth etc then it would be a different story. Men who get women pregnant and then leave them to get on with it are not the same as fathers who are with the mothers of their children for however many years of the children's lives. It's a totally different kettle of fish. It annoys me that these men feel they can harrass you during pregnancy, not support you emotionally or financially, and then turn up playing the loving father once the baby is born! You have already done 9 months of hard work for your child before it even arrives in the world and you cannot be expected to just hand your beautiful fresh new baby to its father when he finally decides to make an appearance.
Stick to your guns, do whatever you feel is best for you and your child. You sound like a thoughtful, rational woman in an impossible situation and as he is already allowed to see the baby you are not denying your child anything. Fortunately my ex would rather eat his own intestines than look after his daughter for longer than a few hours!
Sorry to rant but it's an emotional issue and I feel very strongly about it.
Take care, you WILL be fine!
xx

Agree contact at yours and no overnights - baby is far too young to be handed over to someone who is a stranger and (presumably) has no experience of caring for babies. Bad idea practically and emotionally for her. He's thinking about himself, not his child. Which means he isn't a good father yet - has to do the mental leap to putting someone else first. Maybe that will develop in time. But it's not there yet.

Having read the initial concerns, I would agree 100% with the mother and suprise, suprise I am a man {shock}.

I can understand why the mother would not want to leave a month old baby with some she hardly knows (as a parent).

My personal concerns are very similar, from a fathers perspective but I will start a new thread and not distract a very good point.

Refuse him access until you are comfortable