QUESTION FOR LONE PARENTS ABOUT ABSENT FATHER

[oncearegular]

I used to use MN and left a while ago but have come back just to ask this as I really want a balanced view on this and know I can get that here

If anyone knows who I am, please don't say so!

If your child had a serious accident, and your ex didn't make contact in any way, shape or form (assuming you don't talk but he sees your child sometimes) would you be pissed off about it but the let contact carry on or would you stop contact?

Assuming you had been more than generous in allowing contact in the first place and it was not the first time your child had been seriously ill.

When is enough enough? (From the child's point of view)

TIA.

I'd be very pissed off but (as much as I'd want to) I wouldn't be able to stop contact (just because it would cause other problems-xh would take me to court).I would also not prompt kids to phone xh/not suggest things/make plans with him etc though.

If it was his fault I would stop contact absolutly.

Does that help ?
How old is the child?
What happened?

I'd contact a solicitor and see if it was possible to stop access while drawing up an agreement about acceptable behaviour. Or to go back to court and revoke access.

Sounds very frightening, hope ds/dd is OK. Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work.

No I wouldn't stop contact, unless my child requested that.

My children's father doesn't have contact, but if one of them had a serious accident, I'd let him know about it.

so your child has a serious accident and is in hospital and your ex knew about the accident? if the answer is yes, then i would royally tell him to piss off.

IF he had a good excuse, which really there should be no excuse, id die myself for my boys,then i think id ask the child what they think depending on their age and set out proper contact and if he didnt stick to it and show committment then tell him to piss off

but im mindful of how my ds aged 12 is coping without his father, who came briefly into his life when he was 8 then dropped him like a ton of bricks. when 6months later his father wanted to visit him i told him no way as i thought it would unsettle my boy. now even though my son says he doesnt want to see him, he says he misses him and writes an awful lot of stuff about him in english lessons so praps i was wrong and a bad father is better than nothing.

hope that makes sense

It is never right to stop contact unless he is physically damaging the child, not morally and not legally right.

Disagree with Xenia, if he is psychologically/ emotionally damaging the child, of course it is morally right.

hi xenia,

ive noticed from a few threads that you speak quite clearly that fathers/mothers have equal status where children are concerned. just like to say that i admire you if you have a good working relationship with your ex regarding your kids and it works for you.

Thanks for all your answers

I know that in an ideal world all children should have contact with their fathers but I think sometimes the situation is not ideal and we are faced with a dilema.

It is a real dilema and I just want to do what is best for my children.

I can't go into too much detail but brandy7, yes, that's what happened. It's not the first time either. This time has just really got to me as he's been having contact for over a year now so should have some feelings of concern, imo.

It just all feels so pointless and fake tbh. As though seeing my dc is done just for show, to make him look (possibly feel) better about what he has done.

Dc is 3 btw.

god, that sounds so ummmm arselicking its unbelievable!!! just you dont meet many mums on here or in real for that matter than can see beyond our exes just being a pita and hurting us through our kids

aw bless him, only 3years old! he really should have a very strong bond if hes been having contact for a year. strong enough bond to rush to his bedside you would have thought. sad for you and your little boy that he acts so thoughtless

Agree with caligula. However, I dont think that not making contact when your child is in hospital counts as psychologically damaging. I guess I am just used to getting on with things on my own, so I cant see it as a big deal not having input from the child's father. Incidentally, did the child ask for his dad, or does s/he already know that dad is not to be relied on?

My children are realistic about my ex, I think. His grownup children from his previous marriage certainly are. They are still better off knowing about him, than completely missing out on that half of their parentage, I think.

Why were you generous allowing contact in teh first place, oncearegular?

I know

when I say contact, it is informal. Not through the courts. He wouldn't take it that far, I know it.

I just don't want to deprive my dc of a father but at the same time I want to know that their is actually some sort of feeling there.

It's hard to know on line who is right about anything. There's a much bigger problem about women who can't get their men to share the children than mothers who refuse contact. I often find it hard to know though why mothers don't want the free time. I would love my ex to have one week on and one off with me. That seems the fairest deal and then you can both work more easily too. I feel very sorry for a lot of men who want to see their children every day and are denied that often without good reason.

But the court is not going to stop contact just because a man doesn't turn up at a hospital. When I was married one of our twins went into hospital. I was at a meeting and my ex went to the hospital all night. I knew the child was in safe hands. I had regular reports. I don't think both parents needed to be there. I trusted him.

I think you are right whatwouldjesus do. I think children have a right to know their father. I suppose I just have to stick at it and not expect anything more.

It just hurts when you love that child more than anything in the world.

I'm used to doing things on my own too. It's nothing new. It just seems so wrong.

has he actually told you why he didnt make contact or can you not say on here. seems shocking that his little boy needed him and he wasnt there.

when your ds is old enough he will make up his own mind about his dad. you dont want to be blamed by him when hes older

I can't say. But I know the reason. He is a pathetic excuse for a man.

I know in my heart that I need to keep the contact going, it's the right thing for my dc. I just needed other people to tell me so too, thanks

Ah I misunderstood,thought he was with x when he was in hosp.

In this case I wouldn't stop contact but would make sure that someone (hosp staff?)were aware (drop into conversation?) that he hadn't come/made contact incase you had probs later on.

I also would wait for x to make contact rather than phoning to make arrangments

My xh didn't make contact on dd2s b'day (went to a football match, his Mum came though)and on dd1s b'day didn't want to have her for the day as he was going to watch the football.

OAR, do you think your 3 year old has noticed (and been hurt by the fact) that his/ her daddy isn't bothered by his/ her accident?

If not (and you might be in danger of projecting your own hurt and frustration about this tosser on to your child) then I would say let the contact continue. It might get to a stage where it is more damaging to your child to maintain contact than not, but it doesn't sound to me like it's at that stage yet.

Also, I don't really think you can second guess how much feeling this idiot has for his child. TBH it's not your your responsibility. Your responsibility is to facilitate contact (if it's in your child's interests), not to take responsibility for the quality of the contact, iyswim. As your child gets older, the relationship might get better - an absent father can sometimes be marvellous with an eight year old when he was shit with a three year old - or your child may realise for him/ herself that the guy is a flake and isn't adding much to his/ her life.

Caligula, no, tbh dc hardly even knows who he is.

I think you are right. I think it is my anger.

And everything else you say is right too.

Thanks

Hi oncearegular

Not a single parent anymore but was for about 4/5 years.

I would not have written it as well as Caligula but I second everything she says.

I split up with my XP 9 years ago and I have to make decisions (seems like every day) about what is best for DS regarding his father, it is easier for me now that he can speak for himself though.

Has his dad explained why he did not go to the hospital?

Is your DS ok now?

Toady, thanks for asking

Yes, I'm hopeful dc is going to be okay. It was a head injury and dc has been through a lot, including CT scan etc. Not nice but home now.

I am taking what you say on board about your child being older and able to talk for himself. I think I knew maintaining contact was the right thing to do, I just needed others to tell me so too (apart from family, close friends etc)

Hopefully when dc is older things will change, one way or the other.

The reason for not coming to the hospital is the same as the reason for all the other times he has not been there - his new relationship. Complicated situation and so, so difficult to understand as a mother, how anything can come before your own child.

Oh, I misunderstood, thought your dc had been with his/her dad when s/he had the accident and dad hadn't let you know.

If it's that your ex didn't get in touch despite knowing dc was in hospital, I'd be royally pissed off but I wouldn't withhold access. Just note it down in case you have any problems in future.