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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Life after 50/50 custody ruling: any inspiring advice and stories?

17 replies

frecklesagogo · 03/03/2016 15:27

My ex and I went to court over custody of our 5 year old DD. Despite the fact that for the past 3 years since we separated I have had DD 70% of the time, my ex won 50/50 custody. I have all the usual complaints about it (DD hates it, ex isn't caring for her, his girlfriend is, I miss DD etc) but I have to accept it and move on and try and break out of this depression.

I now have to spent 50% of my time without DD and I am lost right now. I have fallen into a pattern of isolating myself and going to bed extremely early but this isn't living.

Does anyone out there have a story of what they do with their time without their children? Ideas for what to do? Inspiration? Support?

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 03/03/2016 19:09

Freckles please have some when ExH and I first split we had 50:50, we don't now but that is another story.
Like you I missed her and found myself withdrawing more and more. I initially spent my time without DD cleaning to fill the time
Several things helped me I learn to crochet so had things to do in the evenings and a meet a whole on line community.

That helped me to fill my time ( and my house with handmade blankets).
I have a dog and 2 cats who are tremendous company and walking the dog got me out the house.
After about 9 months I got brave and joined a choir. I meet a new group of friends who only knew me as a single person.
I know my activities are not for everyone, but finding a constructive way to fill your time at home and also joining a new group of some kind to make new friends are both beneficial.
I also focused on the little stuff like I could eat something I liked, but DD didn't. That I didn't have to only watch cbbc etc.

Claraoswald36 · 06/03/2016 15:29

You need to get yourself a life now. My contact story is quite different but I would be glad of the guaranteed childcare/nights off on the same days. I would be looking at increasing my hours, career development stuff, evening classes and hammering it at the gym, even local volunteering work - if this was me I would be on a mission to find like minded people and things to do

Fourormore · 06/03/2016 19:11

I worked every day that my DC weren't with me. If I couldn't get overtime at the weekend, I would go to the cinema to see something I wanted to see or I'd see a friend. Eventually I took up a degree. Occasionally I'd wallow in self pity and box sets but not for long.
The important thing is quality of time, not quantity. You have the perfect opportunity to work and progress guilt free so that when it is your days to have DD, you can spoil her much more!

iwantanewcar · 14/03/2016 01:36

I find that - the reduced contact now means that the child gets spoiled more. I personally think 50:50 split of time is a nonsense and quite damaging to a child. That makes it harder for me - if I could see that it was of real benefit I would accept it much better.

Fourormore · 14/03/2016 07:06

That's what arrangement I have - 50/50. It's been really good, actually. I think it's swings and roundabouts. There's good and bad with all set ups.

3xcookedchips · 14/03/2016 12:48

I personally think 50:50 split of time is a nonsense and quite damaging to a child.

Why is it damaging? What is your evidence?

Homely1 · 15/03/2016 19:32

Did he ask for 50:50? Is that why it was ruled?

Homely1 · 15/03/2016 19:59

And does he live nearby?

Sending hugs xxx

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/03/2016 21:04

Why does she need to provide evidence, she was obviously giving a personal opinion. She even stated it was personal opinion.

83mummypig · 15/03/2016 22:38

I have 50/50. We worked up to that Afted about a year. It's been working well for 3 years now and is great for routine BUT my dd is at a really lush stage that I am now finding it harder.

My dd is thriving so I wanted to add that it can work X

3xcookedchips · 16/03/2016 10:12

I have a personal opinion the moon is made of cheese - doesn't mean its right. Feel free to challenge my opinion.

If individuals care to make sweeping statements and justify because they are personal opinions, then it is equally reasonable those opinions are challenged - otherwise don't post on a public forum.

Again, why is 50/50 necessarily damaging to children?

My personal opinion, parental conflict is damaging to children.
My personal opinion, open hostility towards one parent is damaging to children.
My personal opinion, unnecessarily limiting time between children and a parent is damaging to children.
My personal opinion, division of time close to or 50/50 is way down the list of things damaging to children - if it does at all subject to 1 & 2

Feel free to challenge the above, after all it's opinion(actually, the first two are fact, oh and 3).

Original poster

frecklesagogo · 22/03/2016 13:57

Thanks for all your replies. I have been working so hard I haven't seen these responses until today, so that's certainly one solution I'm working on.

A majority of responses said they have 50/50 court orders and it works. I hope I reach the point of acceptance that you have. I fundamentally struggle that I can only see my daughter half the time. But my daughter seems ok, and I guess that's all I should hope for.

The problems so far are:

Uniform hogging on their side
Girl friend of ex always painting her toe nails (she's five), leaving them till they are chipped but never actually trimming her nails. I've asked that painted nails are for school holidays only but this is ignored.
They don't do her homework.

And the biggest problem is that DD doesn't actually spend much time with her dad. She is left with his girlfriend or sometimes his family. And its the time with his girlfriend that kills me because, even though she seems nice, I feel that everyone concerned would prefer DD to be with me.

Answering questions:
He lives 10 mins away
It was ruled because he asked for it, and told a pack of lies which the male magistrate bought, despite his motive being to avoid paying child maintenance (he even told me that was his reason, very sad).

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/03/2016 15:44

3x and should we have a thread about the moon and/or cheese I'm sure you personal opinion about it would be very valid should that thread request or invite personal experance advice or opinion.

It might be less welcome on a thread requesting actual Data about the moon or cheese

nonladyofleisure · 18/05/2016 19:29

It totally depends on the relationship you have. In my mind. Children belong with their mothers. It's just natural X not always possible but my ex suggested this a week before saying he would no longer be seeing him X

NRDAD · 19/05/2016 12:51

So noneladyofleisure your saying a child being with his dad is unnatural ?

3xcookedchips · 20/05/2016 12:01

In my mind. Children belong with their mothers

Genius!

mummylib · 20/05/2016 13:36

for you xx

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